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When I was in high school, I lost four friends in a period of seven months to auto accidents. Each one seemed to get closer to home, our friendship was deeper. That was 18 years ago and I find myself still having moments of thinking about each of them. Just the other day I was thinking about turning 34 and all that I have experienced and suddenly I thought “Jenny has never gotten to, her parents aren’t able to see the woman in her” and started to cry. I miss her, 18 years later.
I write a lot about friendships, love, connections. I guess because it’s the core of who I am. I’m not the kind of person who can go long periods of time without touch, without people. I’m not the kind of person that can truly shut my heart down…though many times I’d like to. I write about these things because I’ve had to learn a lot the hard way, I’ve had to learn a lot due to someone else’s decisions, and I’ve had to learn a lot because I long for more. It’s not a bad thing, none of it…it’s just the road my life has traveled.
When I had a conversation with a friend about the various stories that make up who I am today I could see the pain on his face. I could see that he wished he’d been there to some how spare me from those stories, but as I reminded him…my life today totally rocks and I wouldn’t change a thing! Ok, maybe some things I would change…
I would change:
Hanging out with my friends more instead of chasing boys
Talking to my mom instead of thinking she knew nothing
Being brave enough to ask him out instead of fading into the background
I can’t go back and start my life over again, but I most certainly can decide where my next step will be placed. I don’t want to be turning 64 and saying I wish I’d….I want to be turning 64 and saying hey remember when….So, I won’t shut my heart off just because I’ve been hurt and I’ll continue live a life that rocks if no other reason than Jenny can’t and I miss her deeply.
Till next time...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Circle of Life
Growing up I was never one to have lots of friends; I had a few very close friends. Today I have a lot of friends, all at varying degrees of closeness. Some are completely in, knowing all of me, seeing the complete woman I am. Others only see parts of me, the parts they need to see.
Last night I chatted with an old childhood friend, she was my best friend in a town I felt totally out of place in. I don't remember how it happened, I simply remember being grateful it did. When you're 12 years old you have no way of imagining what life lies ahead of you; when your 33 years old your amazed you've survived that life!
Today my circle of friends is fantastic and colorful. Some friends are deep in their Christian walk, others wonder if God is real. Some friends have been married longer than I've been alive and others are afraid to marry at all. I've been friends with some of them for years and others only months, each of them brighten my life in their own unique ways and each of them love me deeply.
My daughter turns 13 in a matter of days. She's in 7th grade, the same age I met my oldest best friend. I watched her this morning, getting ready for school, making sure her hair looked just right and her makeup wasn't too much. I just stood there, starring at her; I wonder what life has in store for her, what mistakes she'll make, what joys she'll experience. I felt this wave of familiar come over me, for a brief moment I saw myself.
It's been an amazing adventure, this life I've lead. I'm not the girl I was in so many ways and in other ways...yep, she's still in there. I look forward to the next 33 years...I just hope it's with less tears and more laughter, less heartache and more love and most of all even more friend time!!
Last night I chatted with an old childhood friend, she was my best friend in a town I felt totally out of place in. I don't remember how it happened, I simply remember being grateful it did. When you're 12 years old you have no way of imagining what life lies ahead of you; when your 33 years old your amazed you've survived that life!
Today my circle of friends is fantastic and colorful. Some friends are deep in their Christian walk, others wonder if God is real. Some friends have been married longer than I've been alive and others are afraid to marry at all. I've been friends with some of them for years and others only months, each of them brighten my life in their own unique ways and each of them love me deeply.
My daughter turns 13 in a matter of days. She's in 7th grade, the same age I met my oldest best friend. I watched her this morning, getting ready for school, making sure her hair looked just right and her makeup wasn't too much. I just stood there, starring at her; I wonder what life has in store for her, what mistakes she'll make, what joys she'll experience. I felt this wave of familiar come over me, for a brief moment I saw myself.
It's been an amazing adventure, this life I've lead. I'm not the girl I was in so many ways and in other ways...yep, she's still in there. I look forward to the next 33 years...I just hope it's with less tears and more laughter, less heartache and more love and most of all even more friend time!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
No labels
I now work at a place I never ever thought I would, doing something I swore I'd no longer do. It's funny how life takes turns you don't see coming when you stop trying to do all the controlling.
In the past few days I've had basically the same conversation with multiple people...all about this very idea. I think for the longest time people were under the notion that you work the same job till you retire, regardless of how you feel about your job. Today that idea has changed, maybe not because we want it to, but rather because when you lose/quit your job you have no choice but to start thinking about what else will you do with your life.
I didn't work for two years while finishing school. It was an interesting and scary time for me. Scary in many ways but the biggest for me was having to depend on others. I hate that feeling...I don't want to "need" someone else. I dated a guy several years ago that wanted to come over and help me do something to which I said I don't need you to do that, I'm fully able to do it on my own. His reply "It's a good thing to make someone feel needed Carla." I'm still working on that.
Standing at the edge of the meadow, able to walk in any direction..that's completely overwhelming. When someone says what do you do for a living and you have no reply...that's completely embarrassing. Until you realize what a gift it is to be in that position.
What you do is not who you are. How much you earn is not what you're worth. And those two discoveries are the two that have changed my core more than anything else that has happened to me. I had to let go of our society's idea of what I should be doing, how much I should be making, what direction to take my life as a single mom. I had to simply let it go because I had no choice.
What I do is not who I am, but I wouldn't have ever considered it if I hadn't had the "time off" to discover who I am. So to those who still freak out when they think of someone not currently employed...understand their journey is different than yours, but not worse, just different. To those who are jobless...enjoy this moment for the gift that is, a gift to truly find you without the labels.
In the past few days I've had basically the same conversation with multiple people...all about this very idea. I think for the longest time people were under the notion that you work the same job till you retire, regardless of how you feel about your job. Today that idea has changed, maybe not because we want it to, but rather because when you lose/quit your job you have no choice but to start thinking about what else will you do with your life.
I didn't work for two years while finishing school. It was an interesting and scary time for me. Scary in many ways but the biggest for me was having to depend on others. I hate that feeling...I don't want to "need" someone else. I dated a guy several years ago that wanted to come over and help me do something to which I said I don't need you to do that, I'm fully able to do it on my own. His reply "It's a good thing to make someone feel needed Carla." I'm still working on that.
Standing at the edge of the meadow, able to walk in any direction..that's completely overwhelming. When someone says what do you do for a living and you have no reply...that's completely embarrassing. Until you realize what a gift it is to be in that position.
What you do is not who you are. How much you earn is not what you're worth. And those two discoveries are the two that have changed my core more than anything else that has happened to me. I had to let go of our society's idea of what I should be doing, how much I should be making, what direction to take my life as a single mom. I had to simply let it go because I had no choice.
What I do is not who I am, but I wouldn't have ever considered it if I hadn't had the "time off" to discover who I am. So to those who still freak out when they think of someone not currently employed...understand their journey is different than yours, but not worse, just different. To those who are jobless...enjoy this moment for the gift that is, a gift to truly find you without the labels.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Slow down...
Over the course of the past five years I’ve had my fair share of dates, some have been wonderful and some...not. But each of them I’ve taken away a lesson, a lesson I apply to my everyday life and to my dating life.
People have told me I should write a book about the experiences I’ve encountered while dating, honestly I’ve already started it…but more importantly I’m trying to not repeat the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. Mistakes are never fun but can always be beneficial if we let them, I tend to learn the hard way though.
Some of the lessons I’ve learned from dating:
Don’t fall for him just because he says I love you
Enjoy the moment if for no other reason than it’ll soon be over
It’s ok to feel swept away as long as you stay grounded
It always starts out good
When someone shows you their true colors, believe them
If all he talks about is my body…red flag
If he falls for me before he even knows my kids names…red flag
Walls are so you know who’s willing to put in the time to climb them
I tend to run at the first sign of a red flag. I tend to run at the first sign of feeling uncomfortable. I know exactly what I’m looking for and I also know God is bigger than my desires, my fears, or my past. God knows exactly what I need and the right man will fit easily into our life, over time; earning trust instead of expecting it and making me feel wanted without me having to fight him off cause all he’s after is sex.
To my single friends: you are the crown of creation, God made nothing after He made woman…never forget that! The right man will respect you, honor you, pray for you, dance with you, and allow you to enjoy the process of falling in love. God is the center of all life, your man is not. If he thinks otherwise…you’ve got the wrong man my sweet friend. Don’t settle, being single and happy is far better than taken and miserable.
Till next time friends...
People have told me I should write a book about the experiences I’ve encountered while dating, honestly I’ve already started it…but more importantly I’m trying to not repeat the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. Mistakes are never fun but can always be beneficial if we let them, I tend to learn the hard way though.
Some of the lessons I’ve learned from dating:
Don’t fall for him just because he says I love you
Enjoy the moment if for no other reason than it’ll soon be over
It’s ok to feel swept away as long as you stay grounded
It always starts out good
When someone shows you their true colors, believe them
If all he talks about is my body…red flag
If he falls for me before he even knows my kids names…red flag
Walls are so you know who’s willing to put in the time to climb them
I tend to run at the first sign of a red flag. I tend to run at the first sign of feeling uncomfortable. I know exactly what I’m looking for and I also know God is bigger than my desires, my fears, or my past. God knows exactly what I need and the right man will fit easily into our life, over time; earning trust instead of expecting it and making me feel wanted without me having to fight him off cause all he’s after is sex.
To my single friends: you are the crown of creation, God made nothing after He made woman…never forget that! The right man will respect you, honor you, pray for you, dance with you, and allow you to enjoy the process of falling in love. God is the center of all life, your man is not. If he thinks otherwise…you’ve got the wrong man my sweet friend. Don’t settle, being single and happy is far better than taken and miserable.
Till next time friends...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Starting Over
I came across writing I did last year and it made me realize just how strong I'd become over the last several years...and how quickly I'd forgotten that. I had clarity. I had contentment. I had peace. I had direction.
Today I'm still feeling numb from everything. He text me last night asking for his stuff back. I snapped. I had to explain to my seven year old why he didn't show up to her basketball game and whistle for her. I had to watch tears stream down my 12 year old's face as I told her I ended the relationship. I watched my son fill with anger because he'd given Kevin another chance even though he didn't want to. Together we cried. It crushed my heart.
I don't miss him at all. I have loved that man for nearly 10 years and for the first time ever I feel no love for him, I am empty. It's a weird feeling to have cause I've always loved him, no matter what was going on with us. I've always believed in us and knew that we'd be together forever. I just believed it. Today it's all gone and my heart is empty.
So, I shall start to rebuild only this time I have something I didn't have before...I have the proof of knowing I'll not only survive I will thrive. I am not alone. I have wonderful friends and family and I have a God that simply and completely adores me.
Till next time....
Today I'm still feeling numb from everything. He text me last night asking for his stuff back. I snapped. I had to explain to my seven year old why he didn't show up to her basketball game and whistle for her. I had to watch tears stream down my 12 year old's face as I told her I ended the relationship. I watched my son fill with anger because he'd given Kevin another chance even though he didn't want to. Together we cried. It crushed my heart.
I don't miss him at all. I have loved that man for nearly 10 years and for the first time ever I feel no love for him, I am empty. It's a weird feeling to have cause I've always loved him, no matter what was going on with us. I've always believed in us and knew that we'd be together forever. I just believed it. Today it's all gone and my heart is empty.
So, I shall start to rebuild only this time I have something I didn't have before...I have the proof of knowing I'll not only survive I will thrive. I am not alone. I have wonderful friends and family and I have a God that simply and completely adores me.
Till next time....
Saturday, February 6, 2010
And then...it ended
Things have been so good. We were doing SO good. And then...it ended. Just like that. It's over. I haven't heard from Kevin since Tuesday. I've called, I've text him. Nothing. He's back to drinking Beam and I'm guessing on a pretty regular basis. We talked Tuesday night about a fight that happened the previous Friday, he'd been drinking Beam then too. I pointed it out and he stood his ground, still saying he was right and the drinking had nothing to do with it. We both agreed it was best to just end the night so he kissed me and said I'll talk to you tomorrow...that's the last I've heard or see of him.
Drinking brings out the worst in him. Beam is Vodka...equally evil. He gave up Vodka, finally seeing it had control of his life and his life was very much out of control. Then switched to Beam saying it's not the same thing. It is. My last words to him...I don't like you when you drink that shit. I DON'T LIKE DRUNK YOU!
So, just like that it's over. No good bye. No let's try and work on it. Nothing. It's over. I'm not sure how I feel about it. We've played this game so many times over so many years that I'm frankly tired. I'm tired of the whole thing. I can honestly say we tried, we were working, and then the darkness of his mind became too much. I did my part though. I gave all that I am.
Actually that is what hurts, if anything of this hurts. It took me so long to get over him the last time...five years ago. It's been a long five years. But I did it. I finally had gotten to a place of contentment and joy. I had peace in my life and absolutely loved my life. He came back...I cautiously let him back in. He earned it....things were so good. But still I worried. I was careful. Then, finally, I started to lay the wall totally down. I need him. I trusted him. I let myself fully love him again. And now....damn him.
Till next time....
Drinking brings out the worst in him. Beam is Vodka...equally evil. He gave up Vodka, finally seeing it had control of his life and his life was very much out of control. Then switched to Beam saying it's not the same thing. It is. My last words to him...I don't like you when you drink that shit. I DON'T LIKE DRUNK YOU!
So, just like that it's over. No good bye. No let's try and work on it. Nothing. It's over. I'm not sure how I feel about it. We've played this game so many times over so many years that I'm frankly tired. I'm tired of the whole thing. I can honestly say we tried, we were working, and then the darkness of his mind became too much. I did my part though. I gave all that I am.
Actually that is what hurts, if anything of this hurts. It took me so long to get over him the last time...five years ago. It's been a long five years. But I did it. I finally had gotten to a place of contentment and joy. I had peace in my life and absolutely loved my life. He came back...I cautiously let him back in. He earned it....things were so good. But still I worried. I was careful. Then, finally, I started to lay the wall totally down. I need him. I trusted him. I let myself fully love him again. And now....damn him.
Till next time....
Monday, January 11, 2010
Pain to joy
Last week I was plagued with a bad sinus infection and then at the end of the week I had a root canal. Sinus infections are no fun what so ever but root canals...they should be illegal!! Last night I cried while laying in bed...yes, I'm a big girl when it comes to pain but this is ridiculous! I'm ready to rip my teeth out!
Today as I was going through email I read a quote from Jesus as he was about to die on the cross asking God to take this pain from him only if it's His will, if not then Jesus was pleased to obey God...even if it hurts. That email went on to talk about following God not matter what and that whatever situation we're in, sickness, relationship, whatever it may be we can ask for it to be removed, but we are to also acknowledge God's will comes above our comfort. As I sat there reading those words I wondered what role my root canal/sinus infection pain could possibly play in God's kingdom; after all, last night through tears I reminded God that He is the Healer, He can take my pain away...I begged Him, but never did I say only if it's your will Lord.
I've been at work all day, in pain. But I'm working and as I sit here thinking about all of this I'm reminded that my life could so much more worse than what I'm experiencing. Maybe that's why God didn't fully take the pain away...to show me just how lucky I am....there was man who walked this earth for 33 years and was willing to give his life for me. I've not experienced the loss of a spouse through death, or a child or parent for that matter. My bills are paid every month. We have a church that is truly our family. I am loved deeply. Even as I write these words my mouth hurts a little less. Yes, maybe that's it after all...following God is always amazing, even if it hurts!
I still think they should just rip out your tooth and call it a day!!
Till next time my friend....
Today as I was going through email I read a quote from Jesus as he was about to die on the cross asking God to take this pain from him only if it's His will, if not then Jesus was pleased to obey God...even if it hurts. That email went on to talk about following God not matter what and that whatever situation we're in, sickness, relationship, whatever it may be we can ask for it to be removed, but we are to also acknowledge God's will comes above our comfort. As I sat there reading those words I wondered what role my root canal/sinus infection pain could possibly play in God's kingdom; after all, last night through tears I reminded God that He is the Healer, He can take my pain away...I begged Him, but never did I say only if it's your will Lord.
I've been at work all day, in pain. But I'm working and as I sit here thinking about all of this I'm reminded that my life could so much more worse than what I'm experiencing. Maybe that's why God didn't fully take the pain away...to show me just how lucky I am....there was man who walked this earth for 33 years and was willing to give his life for me. I've not experienced the loss of a spouse through death, or a child or parent for that matter. My bills are paid every month. We have a church that is truly our family. I am loved deeply. Even as I write these words my mouth hurts a little less. Yes, maybe that's it after all...following God is always amazing, even if it hurts!
I still think they should just rip out your tooth and call it a day!!
Till next time my friend....
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