My friends

Part of my healing has been in the making of female friends. Growing up I had few, manly because girls are mean and usually untrustworthy. I learned to be guarded early on in life. Then as I entered adulthood I seemed to be going in one direction and the crowd was going in another. For a long period of time I had one good friend. One. Seriously.

I've heard the phrase "if you have one good friend count yourself fortunate" and though I understand the meaning I'm also saddened by this thought. Because I'm now on the other side and have many good friends. I feel more fortunate today than I have ever felt. Maybe fortunate isn't the right word...I feel more loved than I have ever felt. And today is a good example of why.

I have just announced on Facebook (because that's when it's official) that I have a boyfriend. My mom called, kinda freaking, because "you NEVER change your status!" I don't. Because no one has ever made it to this point. I know what I'm looking for and I refuse to settle for anything less, well I might settle for a brief moment but then the moment passes and I end the date. But this one. This one is different.

But I changed my status for another reason...

Because I have a lot of people in my life whom I consider to be close friends and trust their opinion and seek their advice. More importantly, I want them to share in my happiness of this moment. The cool part of having friends is not only are they there to chat with they are also there to be a mirror, help you maneuver this life AND share in those moments you've waited years for.

The observation my man made to me "you have a lot of friends that really love you"...yes I do. So, if you have just one good friend, consider yourself fortunate for there are some who never have that ONE, but shoot for many because the amount of love poured out is beyond fortunate, it's Blessed.

Getting Married

I have a friend who's marriage is on the rocks. When I was a kid I wondered why people would use that phrase, I know now. When you're trying to walk on big rocks that are different sizes and jagged it's a little scary and definitely unstable. Her marriage is just that...scary and unstable. Listening to her makes me glad I'm still single as I don't miss the days of ups and downs. Being single I know that no one can come in and pull out the bottom on me and my children. Being single brings lots of safety!

So why then did I cry last night the whole way home from class? Why then do I still have these stupid moments of fear that I will be alone forever? We've been talking about fears in church the past few weeks. Sunday hit mine on the head...fear of failure. That is for another post, but for now I'll say this...I fear letting someone in only to realize I made yet another mistake--another failure.

I took shelter in thinking that this time will be different for me because this time I'm different. I follow God, something I didn't do in the past. This time I'll find a man that also follows God. So, to me this time I can breathe easy...apparently I was wrong. I know of a couple who's been married for 30 years and are truly Godly people--they are getting divorced. My friend loves God with all she is and she married a godly man--they are falling apart. So now, now I don't even have the notion of Godliness to hold onto. Again I ask why on Earth do I still long to be married?

Because I believe in it. I believe in the reason as to why God created Eve for Adam...it's not good for man to be alone. We are relational creatures, we aren't designed to walk alone. And there is no greater escape from life than falling into the one you love with every fiber of your being. That's why I cried last night, because I was coming home to an empty house with no one to fall into.

till next time...