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I committed my life to God and in that commitment I asked Him to use me; I share my journey with you for one reason--so you can see God's love above the story of life.
I have been on way too many dates, given my heart away when I should have kept it, and felt deep sadness over the ending of a relationship. As a result, I stayed very guarded for a very long time and then...I met Tom. I truly felt the timing was right, the story was right, we were right. Maybe it was all right, but as a wise friend once told me "Even when everything is done right, that's no guarantee it's going to last."
I have waited to share this part of my journey until now for many reasons, but mainly because I needed to get through some of it first. I'm ready to tell now, not because I am looking for a response from you (I know you are sad for me)--I'm telling you because I want you to see that there IS a guarantee!
Tom and I have ended our relationship together. It involved tears and heartache and many sleepless nights. BUT it also involved God and HIS love and HIS comfort and HIS commitment.
The entire summer has been draining, starting with getting sick. It's
been battle after battle ending with me sitting on the floor whispering,
"I don't even have the energy to raise a white flag of surrender." I
haven't been that exhausted in years. As I crawled into bed that night a
text came through from an old friend, telling me she didn't know what
was going on in my life but felt so deeply compelled to pray for me and
to let me know she's praying on my behalf. This type of thing happened
for several days in a row.
When we hear of verses that talk about "in my weakness He is strong" we
can get caught up in the concept of our weakness. I spent most of August
focusing on me and all that had been happening to me. But as I sat on
that floor, whispering those words, I was clinging by the tips of my
fingers to a God I believed in and refused to turn from. I was begging
for more faith, more strength, and more God. I had no clue how it was
going to happen, but I knew it would. I trusted him even in my heartache
of losing the man I loved.
Friend, this isn't a story of another romance ending. This is a story of a relationship coming to an end but the romance between God and his people strengthening. I wrote in my journal last night, "Thank you for loving me enough to pull me through this this situation, thank you for loving me enough to remind me all men can leave me but YOU never will, thank you for loving me enough to be a jealous God who is teaching me what it means to keep you at the center of all that I am, thank you for loving me enough to make me, thank you for loving me enough to shine in my weakness so that I can find strength."
I cling to God because my friend is right, there are no guarantees in a relationship. You can love him, you can do your very best, and he can still choose to walk away. I cling to God because I desperately need a guarantee and God is the only way I'll get it.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
I Do
"Commit everything you do to the LORD, trust Him and He will help you." Psalm 37:5
When I signed up to follow Jesus I had NO clue what I was getting myself into. Seriously. I thought I would say "Ok, God, I will give you my life (meaning I don't want to go to hell when I die) and He would "pour out his blessings upon me" and life would ROCK!
Life has rocked alright, back and forth and up and down kind of rocking!
Being a Christian, a person truly seeking God's will (not just trying to stay out hell) has been and continues to be the very hardest commitment I have ever made. My word for the 2014 is commitment and as one would correctly guess, my commitment on MANY levels has been tested but it always comes back to the very first question I ever had to answer--"Do you trust Me?"
I want so badly to answer instantly "OF COURSE!" but I would be lying if I did and God knows that. So, the process of gaining trust happened the moment I said "I do" to the One who created me. I married God on the side of a road back in 2002; I pulled over as I couldn't see through the tears and I utter the words "I need you, please have me" and in that moment I committed my life to a man I cannot see, a hug I cannot feel and a leader I struggle to trust. I have wavered in all of that at times, I have doubted if it's all really worth it but each time I conclude the same thought--there can be no other way.
For me to learn trust, to learn commitment I have to go through trial after trial after trial. I'm stubborn like that I suppose, but God loves me enough to say "ok, let's try again" and another wave crashes over me that forces me to my knees and I must have another moment of saying "i do."
I have been devoted to God in my own rocky and twisted sort of way for 12 years now and I can honestly tell you the blessings do pour out, the love does flow, and the commitment continues to gain strength. Stay the course friends and trust me when I tell you it's ALL worth it.
When I signed up to follow Jesus I had NO clue what I was getting myself into. Seriously. I thought I would say "Ok, God, I will give you my life (meaning I don't want to go to hell when I die) and He would "pour out his blessings upon me" and life would ROCK!
Life has rocked alright, back and forth and up and down kind of rocking!
Being a Christian, a person truly seeking God's will (not just trying to stay out hell) has been and continues to be the very hardest commitment I have ever made. My word for the 2014 is commitment and as one would correctly guess, my commitment on MANY levels has been tested but it always comes back to the very first question I ever had to answer--"Do you trust Me?"
I want so badly to answer instantly "OF COURSE!" but I would be lying if I did and God knows that. So, the process of gaining trust happened the moment I said "I do" to the One who created me. I married God on the side of a road back in 2002; I pulled over as I couldn't see through the tears and I utter the words "I need you, please have me" and in that moment I committed my life to a man I cannot see, a hug I cannot feel and a leader I struggle to trust. I have wavered in all of that at times, I have doubted if it's all really worth it but each time I conclude the same thought--there can be no other way.
For me to learn trust, to learn commitment I have to go through trial after trial after trial. I'm stubborn like that I suppose, but God loves me enough to say "ok, let's try again" and another wave crashes over me that forces me to my knees and I must have another moment of saying "i do."
I have been devoted to God in my own rocky and twisted sort of way for 12 years now and I can honestly tell you the blessings do pour out, the love does flow, and the commitment continues to gain strength. Stay the course friends and trust me when I tell you it's ALL worth it.
Friday, July 25, 2014
You're Next
I remember being in high school and going to talks that were held in the gym, they were meant to be inspirational talks, but I used that time to sit with my boyfriend, holding hands, and whispering about the upcoming party. I can't recall a single speaker let alone any impact they had on my life. Those talks were free time from class, from school, from teachers.
This morning I talked with a friend about how to take her idea and branch it out, reach more of the next generation and in essence give them the very talks I tuned out, because now later in life I cling to those types of talks. I've thought about this conversation all day--how could the message be spun in a way that ears will not just hear, but hearts will grab onto, believe in, and become?
I'm quick to admit faults I've made with my children, not because I want to say "man I'm such a screw up" but because I believe lessons are learned in order to be taught. The older I've gotten, the older my children have gotten, and the more conversations I have with other the more I have come to realize WE ARE DOING IT WRONG.
Kids are smart. Really smart. So for us to stand in front of them and list off a bunch of "words to live by" is empty. If we stand in front of them and tell them all the things we did wrong, they will just assume "I will not be like you." And if we give them rules to obey because we think it'll help them make wiser choices, we've only created barriers between them and us. None of that stuff works...totally.
What do we need? What WILL work?
I received a Thank You note the other day from a girl who's in her early 20's, I've only met her once (5 months ago) and in her note she stated "thank you for taking the time to ask about my life, to care." What I learned in that Thank You note is this: By having one conversation of being intentional, pausing in the moment and truly being present, letting that person know I'm totally listening and I actually want you to share is worth far more than the list of books to read that will impact your life, the list of TedTalks to watch that will stretch your thinking, or the pep rallies to attend that will inspire you to become the next president of something.
Relationship.
It's all about relationship. I'm not talking about the type of relationship that requires constant attention. I'm talking about the fact that we are relational beings, we want to be heard, we want to know we matter.
So, instead of complaining about the upcoming generation and all the things you see wrong with it, pause and invest; take the time to be relational. Instead of expecting everyone else to do the work for you, instead of feeling like there's nothing you can do, be active and intentional with those you come in contact with; because when it's all put together from pep rallies to check out lanes is when lives are changed.
I talked with that young lady over lunch and honestly I can't recall the conversation, but that moment wasn't about me, it was about her. I don't need to recall the conversation, God was present, doing His thing and I was the vessel He used (a prayer I pray often, let me be your vessel)
You're next. Be the vessel. Be present. Be relational.
This morning I talked with a friend about how to take her idea and branch it out, reach more of the next generation and in essence give them the very talks I tuned out, because now later in life I cling to those types of talks. I've thought about this conversation all day--how could the message be spun in a way that ears will not just hear, but hearts will grab onto, believe in, and become?
I'm quick to admit faults I've made with my children, not because I want to say "man I'm such a screw up" but because I believe lessons are learned in order to be taught. The older I've gotten, the older my children have gotten, and the more conversations I have with other the more I have come to realize WE ARE DOING IT WRONG.
Kids are smart. Really smart. So for us to stand in front of them and list off a bunch of "words to live by" is empty. If we stand in front of them and tell them all the things we did wrong, they will just assume "I will not be like you." And if we give them rules to obey because we think it'll help them make wiser choices, we've only created barriers between them and us. None of that stuff works...totally.
What do we need? What WILL work?
I received a Thank You note the other day from a girl who's in her early 20's, I've only met her once (5 months ago) and in her note she stated "thank you for taking the time to ask about my life, to care." What I learned in that Thank You note is this: By having one conversation of being intentional, pausing in the moment and truly being present, letting that person know I'm totally listening and I actually want you to share is worth far more than the list of books to read that will impact your life, the list of TedTalks to watch that will stretch your thinking, or the pep rallies to attend that will inspire you to become the next president of something.
Relationship.
It's all about relationship. I'm not talking about the type of relationship that requires constant attention. I'm talking about the fact that we are relational beings, we want to be heard, we want to know we matter.
So, instead of complaining about the upcoming generation and all the things you see wrong with it, pause and invest; take the time to be relational. Instead of expecting everyone else to do the work for you, instead of feeling like there's nothing you can do, be active and intentional with those you come in contact with; because when it's all put together from pep rallies to check out lanes is when lives are changed.
I talked with that young lady over lunch and honestly I can't recall the conversation, but that moment wasn't about me, it was about her. I don't need to recall the conversation, God was present, doing His thing and I was the vessel He used (a prayer I pray often, let me be your vessel)
You're next. Be the vessel. Be present. Be relational.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Hurting Me Hurting You
It's so easy to get upset with someone when they hurt us. It's so easy to lash back at them when they wound us with their words or actions. It's so easy to be angry instead of doing the work to be better.
"Do what is right, not what is easy." That's a phrase I have said countless times over the years to my children, it's a phrase I believe deeply in and yet didn't understand until well into adulthood. It's a phrase that is far from comfortable, far from natural and certainly far from what society teaches us. It's the exact opposite of "Old Carla."
The other day someone said something to me and my feelings were instantly hurt. In reflecting back on that moment I realized that my instant reaction wasn't to lash out, to say "well, YOU..." nor was my instant reaction to turn and run. My instant reaction was to stay quiet and say a quick prayer of "God, help me." While that person was spewing pain, I was able to remain calm and get us both through the moment with less wounding instead of more wounding...which is what would have happened if I had responded the way I used too, the way a part of me still wanted too.
When we hear things like "there is power in the name of Jesus" and "God changes us from the inside out" we are often quick to judge and quick to doubt. What kind of power? You haven't really changed all that much! That's typically our heart's reaction.
However...
The power comes in those moments that we show strength, honor, dignity, maturity, and self control. The power is when we are given advice by our friends to basically bite back and yet we have a whisper inside us saying, "don't do that"....and we listen to the whisper. The power is when we can reflect and see growth.
Each time you are hurt, each time someone wounds you and you choose to not act on that wound but rather act out of the love in your heart THAT is the point of Romans 12:2 "Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds."
It's one decision at a time, friends. Choose this time to follow the whisper, not the shout. Join me in allowing God to change us, to make us better; after all, hurting you because you hurt me leads to only more hurt.
"Do what is right, not what is easy." That's a phrase I have said countless times over the years to my children, it's a phrase I believe deeply in and yet didn't understand until well into adulthood. It's a phrase that is far from comfortable, far from natural and certainly far from what society teaches us. It's the exact opposite of "Old Carla."
The other day someone said something to me and my feelings were instantly hurt. In reflecting back on that moment I realized that my instant reaction wasn't to lash out, to say "well, YOU..." nor was my instant reaction to turn and run. My instant reaction was to stay quiet and say a quick prayer of "God, help me." While that person was spewing pain, I was able to remain calm and get us both through the moment with less wounding instead of more wounding...which is what would have happened if I had responded the way I used too, the way a part of me still wanted too.
When we hear things like "there is power in the name of Jesus" and "God changes us from the inside out" we are often quick to judge and quick to doubt. What kind of power? You haven't really changed all that much! That's typically our heart's reaction.
However...
The power comes in those moments that we show strength, honor, dignity, maturity, and self control. The power is when we are given advice by our friends to basically bite back and yet we have a whisper inside us saying, "don't do that"....and we listen to the whisper. The power is when we can reflect and see growth.
Each time you are hurt, each time someone wounds you and you choose to not act on that wound but rather act out of the love in your heart THAT is the point of Romans 12:2 "Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds."
It's one decision at a time, friends. Choose this time to follow the whisper, not the shout. Join me in allowing God to change us, to make us better; after all, hurting you because you hurt me leads to only more hurt.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
The Journey
The trip is over. All that planning, all the meetings, all the fundraising, all the fears...done. We are home and life is getting back to normal.
This time last week I was preparing to speak at the women's event in Tipitopa, Nicaragua. It was our third day of the mission trip and we were running at full speed, having done several children's events and had begun food distribution. The heat was smothering at times, the bugs seemed to multiply and there was a voice whispering to me "you don't belong here, why did you even come".
As the time for me to speak drew near, I found myself at the back of the stage for two reasons. 1) there was an ever so slight breeze and 2) I needed to gain perspective. As I paced back and forth I fell into my rhythm and whispered repeatedly "more of You, less of me." One by one the ladies on my team came to the stage and hugged me, stating words of encouragement...words I so desperately needed to hear, to drown out the other voice and to be reminded it's not up to me, I'm just the vessel.
For a very long time I didn't like to be hugged. My church likes to hug. Nicaraguans like to hug. I'm so thankful that today I like to receive hugs...hugs have grown to be very comforting to me...a sign of healing. The Nicaraguan ladies sat in chairs, patiently waiting for me to take center stage, and they witnessed hug after hug and knew by my face I was being washed in Grace.
Nicaragua is a place filled with deep need, poverty in its truest form. But what I saw that night, what I saw one week ago in this hour was not poverty but women with stories, women with broken hearts, full hearts, and God's grace covered every square inch of the windowless church.
Our mission trip is over, true. But THE mission is far from over. Every person on this Earth deserves to be heard, to be told they matter, to feel God through hugs and words of encouragement. The journey, for this girl, is just beginning.
This time last week I was preparing to speak at the women's event in Tipitopa, Nicaragua. It was our third day of the mission trip and we were running at full speed, having done several children's events and had begun food distribution. The heat was smothering at times, the bugs seemed to multiply and there was a voice whispering to me "you don't belong here, why did you even come".
As the time for me to speak drew near, I found myself at the back of the stage for two reasons. 1) there was an ever so slight breeze and 2) I needed to gain perspective. As I paced back and forth I fell into my rhythm and whispered repeatedly "more of You, less of me." One by one the ladies on my team came to the stage and hugged me, stating words of encouragement...words I so desperately needed to hear, to drown out the other voice and to be reminded it's not up to me, I'm just the vessel.
For a very long time I didn't like to be hugged. My church likes to hug. Nicaraguans like to hug. I'm so thankful that today I like to receive hugs...hugs have grown to be very comforting to me...a sign of healing. The Nicaraguan ladies sat in chairs, patiently waiting for me to take center stage, and they witnessed hug after hug and knew by my face I was being washed in Grace.
Nicaragua is a place filled with deep need, poverty in its truest form. But what I saw that night, what I saw one week ago in this hour was not poverty but women with stories, women with broken hearts, full hearts, and God's grace covered every square inch of the windowless church.
Our mission trip is over, true. But THE mission is far from over. Every person on this Earth deserves to be heard, to be told they matter, to feel God through hugs and words of encouragement. The journey, for this girl, is just beginning.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Closet Christians
2 Chronicles 15:14-15 "They shouted out their oath of loyalty to the LORD with trumpets blaring and horns sounding. All were happy about this covenant, for they had entered into it with all their hearts. Eagerly they sought after God, and they found him. And the LORD gave them rest from their enemies on every side."
All three of my children have been embarrassed by me shouting for them during some event they were participating in. All three have glared at me with eyes that said, "Please, I'm begging you, be quiet." I'm loud, out spoken, and unafraid to speak my mind or shout my loyalty. What about you? Do you shout your loyalty? If you're a sports fan I'm going to say yes. If you've been in the military I'm going to say yes. If you're a parent I'm going to say yes. We aren't afraid to shout our loyalty for lots of things, but do we Christians shout it for God?
I have only been seeking God for 10 years and when I first began I knew NOTHING about the Bible and I was pretty sure all Christians were shipped to Africa to be a missionary and live a life of poverty. Seriously. Over the last 10 years I have not only grown in bible knowledge, I have gone overseas for a mission trip and I have walked away from the security of a pay check. I have also experienced my darkest hours and committed my biggest regrets in the last 10 years. I love God so much and I really suck it most of the time.
I have been known to talk about Jesus in the frozen food section at Walmart, at the bar, with the mailman, in public restrooms, and in the elevator. I talk about Jesus at work, at home, with friends, with strangers, and alone in my car I talk to Jesus out loud. I am a Christian wherever I go and I talk about God throughout my day, not because I'm now this awesome person who has it all together and can say "you should be like me" but because God is worth it.
Ask yourself, what do you talk about most? What are you not afraid to say?
Right now you're probably thinking one of two thoughts: "Good for you, I'm not that out going." or "You shouldn't be boasting about that, after all you make LOTS of poor choices and should probably not be talking about God at all because you're spreading the wrong idea of Jesus; especially considering you mentioned THE BAR." I've heard both those statements more than once. I am the first to admit I am so desperately unworthy of God's love let alone His willingness to use me. So, what about you? Do you talk openly about God? I mean, are you quick to share how God has influenced your life? Has God influenced your life? Or do you remain quiet outside of church doors so that you can boast "at least I'm not like her, running around talking about God while still sinning"?
The point of the cross is being missed, friends, and it's time we step up our game. It's time we start shouting and stop believing the lie Satan is selling. Satan wants us to stay quiet, he wants us to believe we're not worthy of talking about God because we are such screw-ups. Satan wants us to compare sins and in the end agree to remain closet Christians.
Sin is sin. Period. Jesus was nailed to that cross for one reason...victory over sin, ALL sin, for ALL people, for ALL of time so that we can be united with God. I sin all the time (which is a topic for another post), I am completely unworthy of God's love, let alone being used by Him, and yet He chooses to do so. He chose to send His son to die for me, and that's worth shouting! I'm far from where I should be when it comes to how I live my life, but I'm far from where I was because of His grace and that's worth shouting!
I'm a person who is better now than I was, loved more than I have ever been, and confident that when I die I will receive the best hug ever. And I can say "you should feel what I feel." I'm sharing with people because I want others to have the same opportunity I've had, the opportunity to truly feel love. Being a closet Christian serves no one.
The people were shouting their loyalty, they were eagerly seeking after God, and they gave Him their whole heart. And they were people, just like you and me...full of mistakes, bruised with sin, and unworthy of being saved. And yet...they found Him and He gave them rest.
Don't be a closet Christian any longer. Don't be ashamed to love God out loud. Shout loudly and eagerly seek after God! And please stop worrying about what others will think of you!
2 Chronicles 15:14-15 "They shouted out their oath of loyalty to the LORD with trumpets blaring and horns sounding. All were happy about this covenant, for they had entered into it with all their hearts. Eagerly they sought after God, and they found him. And the LORD gave them rest from their enemies on every side."
All three of my children have been embarrassed by me shouting for them during some event they were participating in. All three have glared at me with eyes that said, "Please, I'm begging you, be quiet." I'm loud, out spoken, and unafraid to speak my mind or shout my loyalty. What about you? Do you shout your loyalty? If you're a sports fan I'm going to say yes. If you've been in the military I'm going to say yes. If you're a parent I'm going to say yes. We aren't afraid to shout our loyalty for lots of things, but do we Christians shout it for God?
I have only been seeking God for 10 years and when I first began I knew NOTHING about the Bible and I was pretty sure all Christians were shipped to Africa to be a missionary and live a life of poverty. Seriously. Over the last 10 years I have not only grown in bible knowledge, I have gone overseas for a mission trip and I have walked away from the security of a pay check. I have also experienced my darkest hours and committed my biggest regrets in the last 10 years. I love God so much and I really suck it most of the time.
I have been known to talk about Jesus in the frozen food section at Walmart, at the bar, with the mailman, in public restrooms, and in the elevator. I talk about Jesus at work, at home, with friends, with strangers, and alone in my car I talk to Jesus out loud. I am a Christian wherever I go and I talk about God throughout my day, not because I'm now this awesome person who has it all together and can say "you should be like me" but because God is worth it.
Ask yourself, what do you talk about most? What are you not afraid to say?
Right now you're probably thinking one of two thoughts: "Good for you, I'm not that out going." or "You shouldn't be boasting about that, after all you make LOTS of poor choices and should probably not be talking about God at all because you're spreading the wrong idea of Jesus; especially considering you mentioned THE BAR." I've heard both those statements more than once. I am the first to admit I am so desperately unworthy of God's love let alone His willingness to use me. So, what about you? Do you talk openly about God? I mean, are you quick to share how God has influenced your life? Has God influenced your life? Or do you remain quiet outside of church doors so that you can boast "at least I'm not like her, running around talking about God while still sinning"?
The point of the cross is being missed, friends, and it's time we step up our game. It's time we start shouting and stop believing the lie Satan is selling. Satan wants us to stay quiet, he wants us to believe we're not worthy of talking about God because we are such screw-ups. Satan wants us to compare sins and in the end agree to remain closet Christians.
Sin is sin. Period. Jesus was nailed to that cross for one reason...victory over sin, ALL sin, for ALL people, for ALL of time so that we can be united with God. I sin all the time (which is a topic for another post), I am completely unworthy of God's love, let alone being used by Him, and yet He chooses to do so. He chose to send His son to die for me, and that's worth shouting! I'm far from where I should be when it comes to how I live my life, but I'm far from where I was because of His grace and that's worth shouting!
I'm a person who is better now than I was, loved more than I have ever been, and confident that when I die I will receive the best hug ever. And I can say "you should feel what I feel." I'm sharing with people because I want others to have the same opportunity I've had, the opportunity to truly feel love. Being a closet Christian serves no one.
The people were shouting their loyalty, they were eagerly seeking after God, and they gave Him their whole heart. And they were people, just like you and me...full of mistakes, bruised with sin, and unworthy of being saved. And yet...they found Him and He gave them rest.
Don't be a closet Christian any longer. Don't be ashamed to love God out loud. Shout loudly and eagerly seek after God! And please stop worrying about what others will think of you!
2 Chronicles 15:14-15 "They shouted out their oath of loyalty to the LORD with trumpets blaring and horns sounding. All were happy about this covenant, for they had entered into it with all their hearts. Eagerly they sought after God, and they found him. And the LORD gave them rest from their enemies on every side."
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Have Honor
1 Samuel 16:7 “The LORD doesn’t make decisions the
way you do! People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at a
person’s thoughts and intentions.”
America, at her core, has honor in her veins. Any military branch has a code about honor. Any proud American talks about honoring the country. Honor runs deep in American heritage and honor runs deep in Christianity. We are told to honor our parents, honor our spouse, honor our God. So what does it mean anyway? What does HONOR really mean? I asked for people to share their thoughts on what honor means and I got some really good responses! I definitely believe we can give a definition of honor but when you walk away from an encounter, do you feel you expressed honor?
When you are angry in the moment and react not so kindly to those around you, are you expressing honor?
When you see something in the nation not moving in the direction the country was founded on and you just post about it on Facebook are you expressing honor?
When you complain to your friends about your husband/wife, are you expressing honor?
When you feel that tug inside of you to do something (like offer to pray for a friend) and you don't, is that expressing honor?
1 Samuel 16:7 reminds us that God is always looking inward, at our thoughts and intentions. In the questions I posed, they all show a reflection of our heart in the moment. We know the definition of honor, but do we EXPRESS honor?
Thoughts and intentions. That's where it all matters according to God. That's where honor is made or destroyed.
If you want people to treat you with respect, to value your opinions, if you want people to honor you in a way that makes you FEEL honored then be that person. Be the reflection you'd like to see in others. Be kind when you'd like to be a bear, find a way to stand up for your country in a way that is productive, turn to God for guidance on your spouse instead of the first person that will "side with you", listen to the tug and get out of your comfort zone.
Think about what honor means to you and then express it!
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