Day 13. That pesky word Obey

I struggle with the word obey. Ok, struggle isn't accurate enough. I loathe the word obey. I hate being told what to do, especially when I know I should do it and don't want to and then hear the "command" to do it--everything in me screams "NO!" I truly and deeply loathe being told what to do.

I haven't been a Christian as long as most of my friends, but from my observation, it doesn't seem to matter how long someone has been a Christian, no one likes the word obey. Humans just don't seem to do well with that word. I find it interesting that that is the word Jesus uses when linked to "if you love me..."  In John 14 he doesn't beat around the bush, he states "If you love me, obey my commandments."

I've been thinking lately about words/phrases my friends would use to describe me and one that keeps coming to mind is "not easily swayed." I think because I'm so outspoken about having boundaries and in many ways I would say that phrase is good, even necessary; but if I'm to go a step further and fully see what that phrase represents, it also means "Don't tell Carla what to do--you'll get the boot." Boundaries are vital to becoming a healthy functioning individual and part of boundaries means being able to say "No, I'm not going to do that." However, what must always be assessed is the motive behind the "no", the motive behind the "I'm not doing what you told me to do."

I want so desperately to be a person of integrity, to be a Christian who serves God well; a quick review of my journal and you'll see 100's of pages over the last 12 years with that theme. I WANT to be that person. I have continuously fallen short. I knew what to do and I chose to do something else, I chose to not obey--again and again.

About four years ago I wrote a piece similar to this only the concept was "loving God isn't linked to if I obey him" and very quickly I found myself engaged in conversation with my Pastor; he brought up this particular verse in John, pointing out that I was in fact wrong in what I had written and after a few email exchanges I took down the post. That's the one and only time I've had that experience--removing something because someone challenged me--it's also the only time my pastor has been so blunt in saying "You're wrong, you can't put that notion out there."

I take my gift of writing very seriously. I take with great humbleness the fact that people from 10 countries follow this writing...I take my representation of Christianity seriously. It has taken me way to long to finally get on board, to finally stop tripping over a single word, to finally understand the all to simple connection. It's taken way to long for me to lay my pride down and say "Because I DO love you, I WILL obey."

My hands are sweating as I type those words, because I've never been able to do it before so the broken part of me is whispering "You're setting yourself up for failure. You're setting them up for failure." But, John 14  also records Jesus saying "I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart." I, on my own, I, Carla, cannot obey to simply obey. It's just not what I was taught to do, it's not who I want to be (frankly it seems weak to me). But because I believe in Jesus, I believe the bible to be truth, I believe God to be alive, I then also believe the things Jesus said. I, on my own, can't obey which is exactly why Jesus needed to come to this Earth--because obeying God is connected to loving God and in loving and obeying we find peace of mind and heart. I don't know about you, but this girl could use some peace of mind and heart!

It doesn't say it'll be easy. It doesn't say it'll make us popular. It does say Love=Obey=Peace.  It's all in the motive, remember ;)

The Pretender

Do you ever wonder “Why on Earth did I let THAT person into my life?”  Typically that feeling comes from a place of hurt, typically that person was someone we trusted only to discover we shouldn’t have and we’re left picking up the pieces of our broken heart and broken circumstances. Unfortunately this girl has more than one of those experiences and upon reflecting on that the past few days I have been led to a man named Judas. 

Honestly, I don’t know much about Judas. He’s not someone I’ve “studied.” I do know he was one of the disciples close to Jesus. He was chosen by Jesus to carry out the mission after Jesus died. He was also the one to betray Jesus, handing him over to the guards who later hung him. But until recently I’d never stopped to think of Judas like this—a pretender. He appeared to be committed to Jesus, but when the pressure was too much, Judas folded and gave way to the temptation laid before him…Judas turned in Jesus in exchange for money. To the other disciples Judas appeared to be just as committed as they were, but they didn’t know his heart.

If there is one thing Jesus knows well it’s our heart, our motives/thoughts/feelings/desires. Jesus knew the heart of Judas, he knew that Judas was going to betray him and yet Jesus still chose to love him, chose to pick him in the first place as a disciple, chose to walk right alongside Judas until the very last moment even though Judas wasn’t fully committed.  

Commitment. Our society is moving further and further away from the sacred word of commitment—we are saying one thing and doing another.  We are a society that pretends…for the sake of selfish notions. We wrap our pretending in a neat package of sweet words and empty promises with the hopes of the pay-off being enough.  Judas betrayed for money.  If we are honest, we can recall our own betrayals.

Today I wonder am I committed to God? Or am I pretender? Are my motives pure or when faced with the right temptation will I fold? What does my heart reveal? And...have I been a Judas to someone else? Have I led someone else to believe I was trustworthy only to turn around and betray them? 

It’s easy to the point the finger at others and gasp with shock as we wonder how they could hurt us so deeply with an act of shear betrayal…but, have WE betrayed? I have hung my head as I have pondered this notion today because the answer is—yes I have betrayed. I have betrayed people and I have betrayed God.

Right about now it would be really easy to slip into the “I totally suck” mode, but that’s never God’s point for correction. Here’s why…Romans 8:1 “For there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” This is a verse that Judas did not cling too. This is a verse I do cling too. God does not recall something to mind in order to bring feelings of condemnation or guilt, God brings those things to mind so that we see the sin and stop doing it. He brings to surface our ugliness so that when the temptation comes again we will be stronger and stand against it; we will not give in, but rather we will remember our commitment, we will remember we are NOT pretenders; but rather we are true to our word and we will stand strong in our faith and our relationships regardless of how we feel. 

I don’t know what your past is. I don’t know who you’ve hurt or who has hurt you. Here’s what I do know, hurt has happened. I also know you have been Judas; we have all been Judas at some point in our life. We have led people to believe one thing and done another. We have betrayed people and we have betrayed God. 

Judas ended his life by suicide. He didn’t stick around long enough to hear Jesus say “I love you anyway”…I have heard those words. I hear those words today. It is those words that make me want to be MORE committed than I already am. I love God, but frankly I’m shocked he loves me.  I don’t want to reflect back on this moment and see no change. I want to recognize the lesson and then adjust accordingly. 

I encourage you, whatever is going on in your life, whatever your actions are and whatever the actions are of those in your life, I encourage you to pause and reflect where your commitment is, in what ways are you pretending? Judas was more committed to himself than to his God and frankly than he was to his friends. To whom does your commitment rest? Recognize and then adjust accordingly.

The Waterfall

It can be so difficult to walk with an attitude of "I believe" when life is spinning out of control. I believe God is good. I believe God is in control. I believe God loves me. When we are only pushed a little bit we can still hold to those statements, but when the waterfall comes washing over us, when we feel like there's no letting up it can be so tempting to step ever so slightly to the left to get out from under the waterfall--and thus out from under God. Not that we would say "I'm not going to be a Christian any more" just more of "I'm uncertain if I believe all those statements because good and love and control feel awful painful right now."

When we are hurting, when we wonder how we're going to pay our bills, how we're going to console those we love who are hurting, how we're going to survive another wound to our heart it is extremely tempting to focus on the feelings alone. Feelings are so strong and so blinding.

God is with us all the time, but when we focus on our feelings and thus are blinded we cannot see God as clearly. He hasn't moved. He hasn't changed. We have.

It's not that we don't believe. We do. It's not that we won't keep pressing forward. We will. It's just that we long for the hurt to stop, the wounds to stop coming, the people to stop letting us down. And the whole "that won't happen until you get to heaven" bit only makes us long for heaven more and say things like "hurry up Jesus!" instead of enjoying the present moment. Our hearts scream "Good hurts!" and our tears are evidence of the sad truth we are still not in heaven.

I want to be the kind of Christian that is always positive, always faithful and always trusting. I want to be the kind of Christian that has no doubt, no fear, and no unbelief. I want to be in the middle of my hurt and with a smile on my face say "Life is good because I'm a Christian." That's what I want. And then, the waterfall starts and I forget what I want to be and I let myself be.

I need God for the simple truth of under the waterfall I am ugly, needy, wimpy, and a host of other non-attractive words. This world needs God because the waterfall of life is painful and painful people cause more pain. We need God because regardless of circumstances God is still good, still loving and still faithful. Free will gets in the way, the relationships end, the children turn, the job stops but God is shouting to us "I AM!" I am still with you, I am still working for your good, I am still looking to eternity, I AM!

Don't step out from under the pressure of the waterfall, step into your faith. Take a big breath, dig deep, friends. And stop allowing your feelings to control your day, your attitude, your mouth. That's what God is for!

Now, if only I took my own advice.

Hurting Me Hurting You

It's so easy to get upset with someone when they hurt us. It's so easy to lash back at them when they wound us with their words or actions. It's so easy to be angry instead of doing the work to be better.

"Do what is right, not what is easy." That's a phrase I have said countless times over the years to my children, it's a phrase I believe deeply in and yet didn't understand until well into adulthood. It's a phrase that is far from comfortable, far from natural and certainly far from what society teaches us. It's the exact opposite of "Old Carla."

The other day someone said something to me and my feelings were instantly hurt. In reflecting back on that moment I realized that my instant reaction wasn't to lash out, to say "well, YOU..." nor was my instant reaction to turn and run. My instant reaction was to stay quiet and say a quick prayer of "God, help me."  While that person was spewing pain, I was able to remain calm and get us both through the moment with less wounding instead of more wounding...which is what would have happened if I had responded the way I used too, the way a part of me still wanted too.

When we hear things like "there is power in the name of Jesus" and "God changes us from the inside out" we are often quick to judge and quick to doubt. What kind of power? You haven't really changed all that much!  That's typically our heart's reaction. 

However... 

The power comes in those moments that we show strength, honor, dignity, maturity, and self control. The power is when we are given advice by our friends to basically bite back and yet we have a whisper inside us saying, "don't do that"....and we listen to the whisper. The power is when we can reflect and see growth.

Each time you are hurt, each time someone wounds you and you choose to not act on that wound but rather act out of the love in your heart THAT is the point of Romans 12:2 "Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds."

It's one decision at a time, friends. Choose this time to follow the whisper, not the shout. Join me in allowing God to change us, to make us better; after all, hurting you because you hurt me leads to only more hurt.

Know what you know

1 Corinthians 10:13: "God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it”

Years ago a pastor told me "I don't believe the phrase 'God doesn't give you more than you can handle' I think He DOES give us more than we can handle so that we turn to Him." Now, in theory that sounds really good and really spiritual. But it doesn't line up with God's Word.

And this realization that I made some time after my conversation with the pastor was what set me out on this frenzy of explaining to people why we must all know scripture for our selves so we can separate someone's opinion from what is really said in the Bible. 

I'm not saying you need to have lots of scripture memorized, I'm not even saying you need to know off the top of your head "Oh, that is found in X". Biblegateway.com does wonders in these areas. What I AM saying is you should be familiar enough with the Bible (more than a few random verses) so that when you hear something you can know if it's Truth or opinion or a combination of the two.

As the new year approaches many resolutions will be made, few will be kept. That's just a fact of the American life. My challenge to you is this: set out this year to become more familiar with scripture. If you feel inadequate to carry conversations about concepts taught in the bible then CHANGE that! Study Christianity...especially if it's what you claim as your identity.

Every action

Hebrews 12:11 "No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening-it is painful! But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way."

Every action, every decision we make has a consequence--it's either good or bad. We will either be impacting those around us in positive ways or we will be hurting those around us. But every single action, every single decision has a consequence.

When our actions are negative we must be disciplined for it and as it says in Hebrews, discipline is painful. I remember when I was 14 I wanted to date a guy that was 19, only the rule in the house was "he can't be more than two years older than you." Because I choose to ignore this rule and I insisted I knew better and dated him anyway my mom was left with no choice but to discipline me. I dug my heels in and kept doing what I wanted because I believed I knew better and I believed my mom was just being mean and didn't want me to be happy. As time went on my mom had to increase her discipline with me and let me just tell you it was PAINFUL...for us both.

We refer to God as our Heavenly Father and because that's what He is that means there are times he will give out a rule (like my mom did) and if we choose to disobey (because we think we know best or don't like the rule) we leave Him no choice but to discipline us. Notice it says discipline NOT punish. There's a major difference. Punishment is meant to simply make the person stop doing what they are doing. Discipline is meant to improve the person, take special note to the end of Hebrews 12:11 "...there will be a quiet harvest of RIGHT LIVING for those who are TRAINED in this way."  Discipline is meant to train, not hurt. Even though it does hurt, that's not the end goal.

What's going on in your life right now that has you saying "Wow that hurts, what's going on?"  I encourage you to step back and take an honest look at your actions lately, your words, your thoughts. Look at what connections there are between you and the consequences you are feeling. Then, turn to God and ask Him to show you what the better way of living is, the right way...so you can reap the harvest!

We're Drowning!

"If you're not currently in a storm, get prepared because one is coming" words spoken years ago by my pastor. I remember the sermon well, there was a boat on the stage and he was talking about the passage in Matthew 8:23-27. The verse begins with "Then Jesus got into the boat..." and goes on to tell of a storm that came while Jesus and the disciples were on the boat; the disciples were freaking out and Jesus, well, Jesus was sleeping. But that day, my pastor pointed to the beginning words "then Jesus got into the boat". I'll never forget Bill stepping into the boat on stage as he said "never forget Jesus got in the boat first".

We will endure storms off and on throughout our whole life. It's a fact, not a option. No one is void of ups and downs. No one. But Christians MUST remember Jesus got in the boat first! But how do we remember that in the midst of life unraveling?

READ YOUR BIBLE.

I endure intense storms at times. The kind that make me respond much like the disciples did that night on the boat, "Lord save me, I'm going to drown!" I see my circumstances and wonder how things are ever going to change, I have said to friends "I'm just not sure I can take any more." And yet...Jesus responds to me just like He responded to the disciples, "Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!"

Time and time again I draw upon the promises found in the bible. Those promises are what I cling to while enduring the pain of the storm. Those promises are also what guides me in how I'm to respond to my circumstances. We as humans want to throw our hands up and say "I quit" but we as Christians need to throw our hands around the only guiding compass we have, the Bible.

Stop with the excuses of "I don't understand it", "I don't have time to read it", "It doesn't relate to my life today". OR, continue to think like that but then stop expecting God to answer your prayers, guide your steps, bless your life. If you're wandering through the storm trying to find your way out, instead of reading books on the subject, seeking advice from friends, crying in bed because you're going to drown maybe you should try turning to the One who can calm the storm...Matthew 8:26 "...Then he stood up and rebuked the wind and waves and suddenly all was calm."

In no way do I do this "well". But I do it. You should too. Unless you like the panic of drowning.

My first "fast"

It was a challenge given to me by a very good friend. I'm sure she didn't see it as a challenge, I'm sure she just saw it as a simple suggestion. But when I read the words "you should fast about this" I felt everything come to a grinding hault. Fast?!

I don't fast. Ever.

Two reasons. One, I like food too much and two (and most importantly I might add) I'm hypoglycemic so I always assumed I couldn't fast. Going without food leads to one thing for me--passing out. So, anytime fasting came up I always took a pass and said "I'll just pray".

But I had come to the end of my rope, I had no idea what more to do and I was filled with confusion and anger. I had thrown my hands up shouting "I'm doing it my way!" That's when my friend stepped in, hearing the bitterness in my words, and suggested I seek God's guidance via fasting. Almost without thinking I said "ok" and immediately felt better. I wasn't sure how to go about this fasting, but I knew I had done all I could and "doing it my way" wasn't a true option because frankly my way is rarely a good way.

So, yesterday I fasted all day. I journaled, I read scripture, I prayed, I listened to music. I sought God through the stomach growls, shaky hands, and headaches.

A lot of unearthing was done yesterday. Things I needed to ask forgiveness from God on, things I needed to realize were or or weren't good, things that are hindering me and hindering God from working through me. All of this is good. But I still didn't have an "answer" nor did I have peace inside.

So, today I kept searching. I kept seeking. And I remained confident God would answer. And He did. No, I didn't HEAR Him, relax I haven't started hearing voices. He answered through various conversations, through my reading and journaling and praying. Two days of non-stop seeking lead to me telling my friend "peace has arrived".

I don't have a "do this" kind of answer and I don't have peace because anything has changed. I do have a shift in my perspective, a promise of the sovereignty of God and a confidence that the answer will be revealed when the time is right. I have peace in my spirit, not my situation. What to do in the meantime? Continue seeking with the intensity the last 24 hours has created. Because when you seek God, God always responds.

I learned that fasting is actually an amazing gift we have as Christians. I didn't pass out, though I did get pretty darn hungry. I am really looking forward to the next time I fast! Apparently I love God MORE than food!!! Yay!

Thanks to my friend, Abby, for encouraging me to stretch beyond what I've "always done".

Why read it?

This morning I received an email from a good friend, it was the scripture she'd read in her morning time with God. This is the second day in a row I've received an email from her with scripture but this morning I sat crying as I read the words. Words from the Old Testament. Words that I have read at least a hundred times. Words that, in my fragile moments, I have often wondered "but does this apply to me".

It took me a long time to become comfortable with the bible. A LONG time. I didn't know where to begin, but more importantly I was afraid of what would happen. I kept hearing statements like "the bible is filled with answers", "God speaks through His word", "You have to read the bible to grow as a Christian". But what if? What if all that was true for everyone but me? Or what if I read it and didn't understand any of it? Or what if I read something that confirmed my thinking...I'm not good enough to be His daughter?

The first "book" I read in the bible was Job. I have no clue why I picked that one, I would never tell someone today to start there, but I did. And I do know why, because that's the way God works. I read that book, then bought a book someone wrote about that book and read it. And I haven't stopped reading the bible. Job is a GREAT book to study.

I love reading and coming across something new, looking at the words and thinking "I had no idea that was in here!" I love reading and feeling a sense of understanding as I dig deep, mull over the words, let them soak in. I love the clarity I get from simply reading the Bible.

But.

I still have moments of wondering "really? me?" when reading things like Isaiah 41.

8 “But you, O Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
you descendants of Abraham my friend,
9 I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
11 “All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.
13 For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.


Can I claim this as God inserting my name where it says you? As my friend read this scripture, my name was laid on her heart for her to share this with me. My friends, please see that for what it is. God. In that moment God wanted me to know that YES! I can insert my name, yes I can say when this was written He was thinking of me right now in this very moment. Yes yes yes!

Pick your bible up, dust it off, and start reading. There isn't a bad place to start because it's all important. Ok, maybe you should start with the New Testament, but where you start isn't nearly as important as starting. Just start. The bible is God's love letters to us. The bible is God's direction for us. The bible is filled with wisdom, peace, joy, and clarity. And, the bible is just one more way for God to say "you, yes you, I will help you". If it works for me, trust me it'll work for you!!!!!