Day 6...Jesus Wrecked My Life

I tend to say things that can be shocking to people who don’t know me…ok, shocking to the ones that know me too, but they at least give me the benefit of the doubt. The other day I made a statement that went something like “…and then Jesus wrecked my life…” I could tell by the look on her face she didn’t find that statement OK in the slightest. But He did. He DID wreck my life. 

Before I became a Christian life was anything but smooth sailing; however I was the one calling the shots. If I wanted it, I got it. If it felt good, I did it. I lived only for myself and saw that as “being independent.” I was proud, judgmental, obnoxious, insecure, loads of fun, and on the fast train to destruction. Then one day, on a back road in the middle of nowhere (I’d gotten lost as I was having another “run away” fit) I gave up and through heaving tears committed my heart, my life, my destiny to God. In that moment I gave up my own way in exchange for His way—only I didn’t realize just how difficult that would be, I didn’t realize that meant he would derail my train and wreck my life.  

My life NEEDED to be wrecked!!!!

Becoming a Christian is the BEST decision I have ever made and the HARDEST commitment I have ever kept. I think I will have that added to my tombstone because I truly believe it embodies who I am. I love God with every ounce of my being. I do. But I would be lying if I said I enjoyed being a Christian every day. I do not. Being a Christian is hard work that requires commitment in the face of fear. Commitment and I are not really buddies—when I’ve had enough, I leave. When I don’t like something, I quit. When I feel uncomfortable, I run away. Commitment, staying no matter what, is just not something I know how to do. Three times I have contemplated if being a Christian is the right decision. Three different times I have been on my knees, seeking from a place of utter despair, if God is worth it—being a Christian is literally the hardest commitment I have ever kept. 

When I hear people say the bible isn’t something they can relate to, the bible isn’t something they can understand, the bible isn’t real I find myself truly perplexed. The bible is the ultimate train wreck--that brings me complete comfort. Inside the pages are lives that represent dishonor, murder, hate, grace, forgiveness, love, anger, betrayal, and on and on. The bible is where we meet Peter. Peter and I have a lot in common, one of which is the number 3. Peter denied Jesus 3 times. THREE times he said “Nope, don’t know that man at all.” Not once, not even twice, but three times he literally said the words denouncing he knows Jesus let alone loves and follows him. Peter, this man that is called “the rock on which I will build my church” had his own moment of doubt, of fear, of running away, of lack of commitment.

Church, we are a collection of people who are very broken pretending to be very perfect. We need to knock it off. We need to stop telling the rest of the world to get their act together when we clearly don’t even have our own together. We need to stop giving the list of things to say and do. We need to just knock it off. We need to admit that our lives need wrecked, daily; that we need Jesus in ways we can’t even fully express, that we are a desperate people in need of saving—undeserving, yes, but needed nevertheless. 

When Jesus rose from the dead he told the women to “go and tell them I have risen…and go tell Peter also.” He specifically pointed out Peter, making sure it’s understood that even in our weakest moments, even when we cave to the fear of circumstances surrounding us He will still seek us out and say “I did all of this for you, yes YOU.” 

I have been a Christian for 13 years and in those 13 years I have grown leaps and bounds in some areas and a snail pace in others. Still to this day I need God to come in and wreck my life because still to this day I struggle to fully surrender my life to Him, to do ALL that He asks me to do, to not run, to not fight, to not doubt.  

Church, stop pretending and start being real. We are Christians because our lives are ridiculously bad on our own and we NEED wrecking. We want others to come to church with us not because we’ve got it together and they need to get it together—we want others to come to church because even in our moments of denying, even in our moments of fear and wanting to run away, Jesus says “and go and tell…”  Church, the world NEEDS wrecked and we need to be courageous enough to admit that. During this particular season, with all the uncertainty going on around us, with the clear seeking of peace, let’s be courageous enough to say “Come to church with me, let me introduce you to the One that wrecked my life—it’s where you find peace.”

Jesus wrecked my life. I will spend the rest of my breath thanking Him for that because Jesus saved my life. 

The Waterfall

It can be so difficult to walk with an attitude of "I believe" when life is spinning out of control. I believe God is good. I believe God is in control. I believe God loves me. When we are only pushed a little bit we can still hold to those statements, but when the waterfall comes washing over us, when we feel like there's no letting up it can be so tempting to step ever so slightly to the left to get out from under the waterfall--and thus out from under God. Not that we would say "I'm not going to be a Christian any more" just more of "I'm uncertain if I believe all those statements because good and love and control feel awful painful right now."

When we are hurting, when we wonder how we're going to pay our bills, how we're going to console those we love who are hurting, how we're going to survive another wound to our heart it is extremely tempting to focus on the feelings alone. Feelings are so strong and so blinding.

God is with us all the time, but when we focus on our feelings and thus are blinded we cannot see God as clearly. He hasn't moved. He hasn't changed. We have.

It's not that we don't believe. We do. It's not that we won't keep pressing forward. We will. It's just that we long for the hurt to stop, the wounds to stop coming, the people to stop letting us down. And the whole "that won't happen until you get to heaven" bit only makes us long for heaven more and say things like "hurry up Jesus!" instead of enjoying the present moment. Our hearts scream "Good hurts!" and our tears are evidence of the sad truth we are still not in heaven.

I want to be the kind of Christian that is always positive, always faithful and always trusting. I want to be the kind of Christian that has no doubt, no fear, and no unbelief. I want to be in the middle of my hurt and with a smile on my face say "Life is good because I'm a Christian." That's what I want. And then, the waterfall starts and I forget what I want to be and I let myself be.

I need God for the simple truth of under the waterfall I am ugly, needy, wimpy, and a host of other non-attractive words. This world needs God because the waterfall of life is painful and painful people cause more pain. We need God because regardless of circumstances God is still good, still loving and still faithful. Free will gets in the way, the relationships end, the children turn, the job stops but God is shouting to us "I AM!" I am still with you, I am still working for your good, I am still looking to eternity, I AM!

Don't step out from under the pressure of the waterfall, step into your faith. Take a big breath, dig deep, friends. And stop allowing your feelings to control your day, your attitude, your mouth. That's what God is for!

Now, if only I took my own advice.

Yahweh Shalom

"I just want some peace!"  How many times have we yelled that or at the very least thought that? Peace seems to be the universal unobtainable goal and yet we cry out for it through tears of exhaustion and feelings of being overwhelmed. How each person defines peace appears to be the only separation found in the cry.

We want peace from crying toddlers, peace from abusive spouses, peace from work deadlines, peace from crazy drivers, peace from bill collectors, peace peace peace JUST GIVE ME PEACE!

Yahweh Shalom. God IS peace.

This week I haven't felt much peace. Truth be told I haven't felt much peace in a while....at least not the peace I wanted. When I was crying out to God GIVE ME PEACE I meant the way I wanted it, through the circumstances I wanted, in the time I wanted. I was basically being the crying toddler to my heavenly Father.

If trials in life have taught me anything it's this--get on your knees and listen. And I did just that, multiple times this week, multiple times during this season of my crying out for peace.

Yahweh Shalom. GOD is peace.

Circumstances remain the same, people remain the same, and in the moment the light at the end of the tunnel can seem so so far away. We don't "feel" peace. While I was on my knees, listening with a desperate ear for God to ease my fears I kept hearing "I give you peace."  So, I got my bible out and looked up that phrase and found myself in the book of Judges and came upon this verse in chapter 6, "It's all right, the Lord replied. Do not be afraid. You will not die. And Gideon built an alter to the Lord there and named it "The LORD is peace." which in Hebrew is Yahweh Shalom.

God is PEACE.

Not a whole lot has happened externally to bring "peace" into my life. In fact, the cat puked on my laptop the other day and caught it on fire. Seriously. As a writer that's the worst vision to ever lay eyes upon. Peace was not something I felt. But God...but God has been faithful in reminding me that my peace lays in Him, my trust is in Him, and in Him I need not fear.

GOD IS PEACE.

So, if you're feeling overwhelmed with life, beaten down by yet another day's to do list, and tired of being tired I encourage you to get on your knees and just listen because God ALWAYS responds if with nothing more than "I give you peace." which, for the record, is all that's needed.