Friday, December 26, 2008

just friends

My good friend has had her heart hurt in a similar way to me and this writing is a continuation of her blog...

I had someone tell me in the past to lower my expectations in regards to dating, but what about friendship? It seems like there are varying degrees of friendship and I'm lost as to how to navigate my way through this. I thought dating was crazy, well friendship appears to be just as complicated. Actually it's when you're friends with the opposite sex that is the problem. Can you really "just be friends"? I hear all the time people say they would like that, I'd like that; I think that I have that to some degree....but then I come across situations that make me stop and remember when you get down to it we are still male and female and all that entails.

I hate being guarded. I hate having to not totally count on someone because they simply look at things differently than me. Why is it so hard to just say it like it is? If you don't want to hang out with me then why can't you just say no, I'm busy? If you like me for more than a friend and want to try dating then why can't you just say that? I can't stand vague and it seems vague is all I get lately.

I've been through to much to play games with anyone. I've worked my butt off to get to the place I am and I don't apologize to anyone for it. If you don't think you're good enough for me, well I'm not going to spend my breath convincing you that you are...the mere fact I want to be with you should tell you! And if I've actually lowered my wall enough for you to get in...*sigh* can't you see what that means?

I chase no one. I beg no one to be with me. And I certainly don't wait by the phone in hopes you'll call. I put myself out there for so long and then, if you don't do your part, I'm done. Period. Because I'm WORTH loving OUTLOUD.

So, I say why should I lower my expectations? Why not raise them and trust I will find someone that will rise to the level, hmmm maybe just maybe he'll even challenge me to raise to his!! No, I won't lower my expectations...if you want to be in my life and maintain my respect you'll be a true all that entails.

Friday, December 5, 2008

every other weekend

My kids all just left for the weekend to visit their Dad. Erica was playing when her dad got here and I could see the look on her face that she didn't really want to leave. She had just gotten home from school and already had to leave. I remember that look, that feeling.

My parents split up when I was just a baby so I don't know what it's like to not travel between homes. Every other weekend for eighteen years I traveled to my dad's house. I love my dad so very much and was always happy to see him, but I have to admit there were many times when I just wanted to stay home. The trip to my dad's house took just over an hour and on those long drives I'd have talks with myself, saying "I'll never ever make my kids experience this life". And tonight I said good bye to all three kids, going to two different homes because I've divorced twice.

In the big picture I've moved on from that, accepted it is what it is. But there are moments that creep in, moments like tonight that hit me and the little girl comes back out. The little girl in me was starring at me in the little girl of my youngest child tonight. As I bundled her up to go outside she looked up at me with a matter of fact look, kissed me and walked out the door. Tonight I'm reminded that I didn't hold to the promise I'd made myself, to my children. Tonight makes me sad.

But I know they will survive this. I know. Doesn't make it any less painful to watch. I wonder if that's what God feels when He looks at us struggling. He watches us bundle up and walk outside all the while knowing His child will get hurt. How in the world does He cope with that, because sometimes it's just too much for me to bare. Maybe it's because He sees the bigger picture and I tend to get lost in the moment.

I know this much, I pray ALL THE TIME my kids will not marry until they are ready and sure! Divorce never ever gets any easier!

Till next time...