abundantly

I remember having a conversation with a lady years before I became a Christian, we were talking about watching a certain movie and she said "I have no desire to watch that sort of stuff now, after becoming a Christian my heart changed and I guess I just don't find that stuff to be good any more". I remember standing there, looking her square in the eye and saying "well that sucks for you then cause it's funny stuff!". I've thought often about that conversation, her reaction and mine, her way of life and mine. That was in 2001.

I feared that if I became a Christian my life would be boring, void of fun and laughing, and I would have to give up all the stuff I currently enjoyed, like that movie. I feared God would ship me to Africa, force me to live in poverty, and I would become the very thing I didn't want to become, a bible thumper.

Today, nine years after that conversation took place, I am totally in love with God and totally enjoying my life. I'm richer than I've ever been, though if you look at my bank account you'd think otherwise. I have deeper relationships, I laugh deeper, I cry deeper, I love deeper. Nine years later I can tell you my life is anything but boring, it's certainly not void of fun and someday I will travel to Africa. I don't live in poverty (according to paper we're broke, according to God there's always enough to provide for the day)and for the record God didn't send His son to die so that we may all live in starvation. And as for the bible thumper, I'm certainly not one to shove it down your throat (it's between you and God whether or not you love Him enough to follow Him), but I can't imagine going through the day void of God.

John 10:10 Jesus said "My purpose is to die so that you may live life more abundantly" Abundantly folks, that doesn't sound like void of fun at all!! :)

The voice....

"...The voice of truth says do not be afraid, the voice of truth says this is for my glory...I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth..." Casting Crowns. I love that song. The voice that whispers in my ear, that tells me I'm not good enough, I'm not strong enough to endure, the voice that says you're wrong; that voice I've accepted will never go away. It'll always be there, but...but...I have another voice that is stirring inside me, a voice that over time is getting louder, stronger, and clearer. THAT voice is the voice of truth.

A lot of changing is going on in my life right now, it's been an interesting 2010 thus far and we're only half way through the year! Many good things are surfacing, God's light is clear and bright. I've got much to smile about. And then I hear that stupid little voice, reminding me of how far I've still got to go, of where I've come from, of what I don't have. That voice comes in the quiet of the night and noise of the day, it creeps in and reveals my fears, my longing, and my doubts.

Today I was reading an email from a my "nest" friend, I've read this email at least 5 times in the past two days. Her words are a voice of truth, her friendship to me is real. I am reminded through that email that I'm exactly where I need to be and not yet where I know God will lead me to, I'll get there but for now we are here. The voice of truth comes in like a lion and roars at me, "You are perfect in my eyes My child; you will not simply endure this, you will grow through it; this time of waiting is not to punish you but to let Me shine through you." I'm reminded of all the people in the bible who waited, who longed, and then who felt the reward of that wait in a sweetness they never even imagined.

My life is full, fantastic and still void of certain things. Today I will choose to not only listen but to BELIEVE the voice of truth.

The Great....I Am

There's something deeply freeing when you read the way God referred to himself. "Tell them I am sent you". God says I am who I am. Period. No need to give further explanation, just tell em it's me. And people say I'm blunt.

There are times in my life when I struggle to find my way, times when I question if I'm even on the right path let alone the right moment. There are times when I wonder if the fog will ever rise and I'll be able to clearly see how all this connects. Then I remember...I am sent you.

I had a wonderful weekend, filled with laughter, a few tears and moments of clearly seeing God. I promised Him a long time ago that I would call it what it is..not luck, not coincidence, not my own hard word...simply God, the I am.

I know I've got more storms ahead of me to endure. I know there will be moments when I don't clearly see God, moments when I wonder where to step next. Sometimes I feel weighted down by those thoughts, I'm great at worrying about stuff that's yet to happen. But then the Holy Spirit finds a way of reminding me, you're not in charge. You're not the center. It's not up to you make the world right. Remember the I am.

I breathe a sigh of relief this morning, I have friends trying to find their way to God (though they aren't ready to call it that and that's ok, God can handle it), I have friends who deeply love God but rarely "feel" Him (I pray that your hearts eyes see Him today) and I have friends that remind me of just how far I've yet to travel in my own journey (I am beyond grateful for you) but all of this...all of it...is ok because no pressure is on me, it's ALL on the Great I Am.

Till next time...

Beautiful

All of my kids are home. Still sleeping, we stayed out late last night and each of them have had a long week in their own ways. But right now, all is right in my home because my family is complete.

Tyler came home from CIY last night and I could see the sheer bliss in him. He talked all night about different things he learned at camp and then, I stood in the center of the room watching him talk to someone else about his week and I heard God whisper "isn't he beautiful"...

I spent most of the day with Kaitlyn yesterday. Just the two of us. We went shopping and ate lunch in mall. We talked non-stop and shared lots of laughs. I saw how her style has changed, she's no longer a little girl. Last night a friend whispered to me "wow she's beautiful"....

It was raining when we came home last night and my hair was soaked. I was tired and just wanted to crawl into my bed. Erica wanted me to tuck her in. I hadn't seen her in seven days so it was a moment of coming back into focus for me, what really matters. As I leaned in to kiss her goodnight I couldn't help but notice she looks older. She'll soon be 8 and she's quickly loosing that little girl look. Then I kissed her forehead and thanked God for this beautiful little person being all mine.

Beautiful...it's a theme for me. God is working out loud to show me what His idea of beautiful is and I'm quickly learning it has nothing to do with the way a woman looks but it has everything to do with the way God's child looks. Beauty, in God's eyes, is not meant to be feminine but rather meant to describe those things that take your breath away.

Seeing God through my children...beautiful. Walking alone on the trail and feeling God all around me...beautiful. Hearing my friends laugh till they cry...beautiful. Drinking coffee in the quiet of my home knowing I'm taken care of...beautiful. Truly and deeply loving...beautiful.

Thank you God for showing me that beautiful is not bad, beautiful is not looks and beautiful is not limited. Sweet, sweet beautiful. :)

Till next time...

Temptations

One thing I'm learning very quickly in life...temptations are not fun because making the right decision doesn't always seem like the best route when you're in the moment. But then I guess that's why it's a temptation; something to distract you from where you need to be heading.

I shouldn't be surprised by them, I should know it's coming. I should be on guard, but once again I wasn't and for a brief moment (that lasted a few hours) I was giving in and following the temptation. I'm all about having fun and well, that's always my temptation..."but it's fun"...

I don't have a lot of scriptures memorized, but God has a way of bringing to surface what I need to know and then I go look up certain topics in the bible. This morning while I was out running, God kept reminding me I will give you the strength you need...Isaiah 41:10 God says, Fear not, for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes I will hold you up and retain you with My right hand of rightness and justice.

Temptations are hard, saying no is very hard. But at the end of the day life isn't about pleasing me or you, it's about obeying God because He wants the very best for us. So, what may seem fun "in the moment" pales in comparison to the fun we'll have for ever if we simply lay down our desires and follow His.

Till next time...

Work

The last two days have been days void of creativity. I've been drained. Sunday took a lot out of me and I needed some down time I guess. But I woke this morning feeling great, went on a walk with my dear friend Connie and then had an unexpected phone call that set the tone of the day. Love unexpected phone calls like that!!

It's happening. It's all really happening. I'm writing, I'm speaking, I'm working full time in ministry...I really am. I was asked last night if I'm doing all this to work or to avoid work. I had to laugh at that because I'm sure others have wondered the same thing, but I was grateful this person respected me enough to ask instead of assume they knew the answer.

Sunday people told me it took courage to do what I'd just done...I don't look at it like that. The real courage comes when we first say out loud this is who I am..THAT is courage. What I'm doing is obeying God to the best of my ability. So, I guess to most it probably looks like I'm just being lazy and avoiding "work" but my reply last night..."I'm called into ministry, it IS work." It's just a different kind of work and let me be clear, I don't consider it work at all, I consider it an honor to be used by God, to be part of seeing others begin the journey of healing. A true humbling honor.

Till next time...

untitled...because no title will do justice....

I've been preparing for this day for 2 1/2 years. I knew the moment I stepped off the stage, January 18, 2008 I'd be back on it again for the very same reason, just wasn't sure when. Honestly I'd hoped it would be a long long time, but also hoped it would arrive soon so I could satisfy the cry in soul. It's here, tomorrow July 18, 2010 is finally here. Until two months ago I didn't know the date, but it's finally here. In some ways it feels like a long long time has passed and in some ways I'm bursting with excitement to see what happens next; however I'm also overwhelmed at what it all means.

We all have moments in time we can look back on and say that moment right there was life changing for me, but for me I've never had one that I knew I was in while it was happening, not to this degree. I'm smack dab in the middle of a life changing moment, regardless of the outcome, and I FEEL it. I wish there was a word to describe what's inside of me at this very moment, but the only one I can come up with is honored.

I often ask God for things, prayers is the Christian term I guess, but it's really just things. But I've also asked Him for out loud and outrageous moments and tomorrow...well it's about to get very out loud and very outrageous. As I write those words tears are falling down my cheeks and my heart whispers "thank you, I've been waiting".

I will share my story in the morning. On a stage. Alone. To a room filled with strangers and friends. I will talk, but God will speak. He will share His heart, His cries, His passion and His story; I am merely the vessel. It's me on that stage, it's God in that room. Tonight, the eve of the moment I've been waiting for yet God knew was coming. His timing, that's what I'm reminded of often. And right now, being smack dab in the middle of the moment I can tell you His timing it totally worth every moment of wait. Every. Single. Moment.

Till next time...

Another one to cross off....

Brooks and Dunn. A duo I've loved for a very long time and one that after this year will no longer be. There are so many things I love about getting older but there are also things about it I don't; all good things must come to an end, including Brooks and Dunn. When I heard this last year I said it didn't matter where I had to travel to see them, I would and last night...I did! And the good news is only had to travel to Noblesville (which I'd never been to before so it was a first for that too). haha

One of the things I simply adore about my life right now is I'm absolutely living it to the fullest. Moments are created, felt, and then treasured...but created first. It's taken me till my 30's to fully understand this, to figure out exactly how to do that. I thank God often that I get it now because I can tell you with all honesty, as their song goes, it's gettin better all the time!!

My bucket list got another line drawn last night thanks to good friends and good times and fantastic music! The theater was packed, filled with people of all ages...to my right was a little girl around the age of four, to my left a young woman barely 21 and in front of me a couple in their mid-sixties. Then there was me, 34 years old but feeling as if I'm just starting to live, different people all of us bonded by one thing...BROOKS AND DUNN! Can life get any cooler?

To my partners in dance last night...thanks for the fun, country music totally rocks!

Till next time....

Company Ready

Today Erica and I have been cleaning all morning and now...she's playing the Wii. Actually, she gave up cleaning long ago; I walked out of the bathroom I'd just cleaned to find her standing on the couch bowling (she says it helps her get strikes). I loath housecleaning, I truly do. Not sure why, just don't like it. It seems when I go to my friend's house theirs are clean, I mean NOTHING out of place and always company ready.

I got a text from a friend last night that said "have you moved because every time I drive by your house looks empty". I had to laugh as I text back saying I'm here, just hardly home and when I am home I'm in the back room tucked away. I guess after I clean inside I should give some TLC to the outside, because yes we do still live here and I guess the outside should be company ready to eh? haha

Company ready...the story of Mary and Martha always makes me think Martha must have not felt her house was company ready because the bible tells us that she was busy cleaning and cooking. Then you have Mary, she didn't worry about that stuff, but rather she sat with Jesus...soaking up the company. Mary knew Jesus didn't care what their house looked like, he wasn't there to inspect it. He also didn't care what they ate, he wasn't there to be fed. Mary knew Jesus was there to BE with them, to look at their hearts and feed them...1 Samuel16:7 (Amplified)...For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. Company ready...


If you stop by my house without warning chances are there's dishes in the sink, toys scattered from one end to the other and I probably have on some ratty t-shirt and shorts. You'll most likely find me on the couch, tucked behind my laptop, with a cup of coffee or bottle of water and you'll also find the front door is open so, come on in because though my house may not be company ready...I surely am company ready.

Till next time...

Life vs Frogs

Today my parents found out a good friend has cancer in his throat. They have had to bury to many friends for being as young as they are. Right now I'm watching the news and they are telling of another motorcycle death, it was just a blurb and now they are moving on to a couple that's been busted for meth lab. My parents are crying over a friend who's going to die before he's ready; that motorcycle rider died before he was ready; the meth heads are killing themselves...voluntarily. The evidence of living this side of heaven.

My dad's parents are still alive; I don't get to see them much because they live in Fairmount. If I'm to be honest though, I don't go see them much because it makes me cry. I had the very best grandparents a girl could ask for, on both sides of the family; however I saw these grandparents every other week when I went to visit my dad. They were a major part of my life and they are close to dying, but they have lived a long and fantastic life.

Today I fell between the boat and pier at mom and dad's house, for a moment I wondered if I'd died but then the pain reminded me...nope you're alive and boy are you gonna hurt. Looking back on my life I've had my share of close calls, moments where I wondered how on earth did I survive that...I currently have an ice pack on my leg, heating pad on my back, and ice pack on my arm; but nothing is broken. Thank God cause I don't have insurance!

As I sit here thinking about all of this, thinking about life and death, choices and consequences I can't help but think how grateful I am for the life I have. It could have gone in a very different direction, more than once. Tonight I pray for my parents friend, the family of the motorcycle victim and even the couple who chooses meth instead of therapy. Tonight I pray for all that I know and all that will one day cross my path...may we each remember how precious life is, may we each remember God didn't have to make us, he could have made us frogs!!

Till next time friends....

Summer Time

Tonight I will have all my kids home...for one night. Tyler and Kaity have been gone for a week at their dad's; tomorrow they leave with their Grandparents for vacation to New York...for a week. When they come home they all will then turn around three days later and leave for another week, each going in a different direction. I have to exhale slowly as I write those words, I have to remind myself that summer will soon be over and life will return to normal. I also have to remember my prayers for them.

My children did not ask for the life we've had, they did not have any say in the decisions that were made. They have simply been along for the ride. We've cried many times together and we've cried many times alone. I'm sure they have cried together, without me. I'm also sure they have no idea how much I have cried without them.

Today, as I prepare tacos for dinner (per their request) and get as much writing done as I can so they have my full attention tonight....today I can't help but smile because I remember my prayers for them. I don't often share from my personal journal, but I will for this part...

"My Abba,

I'm not sure why you have allowed me to be their mom, but I am grateful you did. I ask that you cover them from my decisions, protect them from harm from others. I want so badly to keep them from getting any more wounded than they already are, but I know that is not possible. I know they must walk their own journey, in their own way, and I know they must endure this side of heaven just like me. I don't need to ask you to be with them for I know that you already are. I want to go deeper than that, I want to go beyond the surface prayer and pray from my heart...as a mother that you've allowed me to be. So, I long to get out of the way enough for your light to shine. Bless them beyond their dreams and give them a childhood they will look back on and see you at every corner. Every corner."

Amen


Till next time....

Silence

My house is currently quiet. Erica has disappeared into her room, the tv is off and I'm sitting on the couch listening to the sound of passing cars and birds talking...that's the only sound I hear. Well that and the sound of my fingers hitting the keys as I type these words.

I've been working on my book all week, spending countless hours on this laptop, trying to have my fingers keep up with the speed of my brain. It's not easy, trust me. We're making progress though, in ways I didn't expect.

I was getting ready to get up, go "do" something, when it struck me...listen to the silence. That's when I realized though the house seems quiet, it's not. I can hear the cars, I can hear Erica talking to herself as she plays, I can hear the buzzing of a bee outside the window, I can hear the hum of a mower which means I'll soon be smelling freshly cut grass...a smell I simply love.

There was a time in my life when I didn't notice any of these things, I was too busy going from one moment to the next. My plates were full and I was never, ever, in a moment of silence. I don't think I ever stayed in one place long enough to even take a full breath.

Today I balance silence with laughter. I balance fullness with aloneness. Today I am still living a full live with many plates spinning, but what's on the plates has changed and I've learned to embrace silence, to enjoy moments of just listening. Today silence is golden.

Till next time...