Sunday, August 31, 2014

The ending of a love story...the continuing of the best love story

I committed my life to God and in that commitment I asked Him to use me; I share my journey with you for one reason--so you can see God's love above the story of life.

I have been on way too many dates, given my heart away when I should have kept it, and felt deep sadness over the ending of a relationship. As a result, I stayed very guarded for a very long time and then...I met Tom. I truly felt the timing was right, the story was right, we were right.  Maybe it was all right, but as a wise friend once told me "Even when everything is done right, that's no guarantee it's going to last."

I have waited to share this part of my journey until now for many reasons, but mainly because I needed to get through some of it first. I'm ready to tell now, not because I am looking for a response from you (I know you are sad for me)--I'm telling you because I want you to see that there IS a guarantee!

Tom and I have ended our relationship together. It involved tears and heartache and many sleepless nights. BUT it also involved God and HIS love and HIS comfort and HIS commitment.

The entire summer has been draining, starting with getting sick. It's been battle after battle ending with me sitting on the floor whispering, "I don't even have the energy to raise a white flag of surrender."  I haven't been that exhausted in years. As I crawled into bed that night a text came through from an old friend, telling me she didn't know what was going on in my life but felt so deeply compelled to pray for me and to let me know she's praying on my behalf. This type of thing happened for several days in a row.

When we hear of verses that talk about "in my weakness He is strong" we can get caught up in the concept of our weakness. I spent most of August focusing on me and all that had been happening to me. But as I sat on that floor, whispering those words, I was clinging by the tips of my fingers to a God I believed in and refused to turn from. I was begging for more faith, more strength, and more God. I had no clue how it was going to happen, but I knew it would. I trusted him even in my heartache of losing the man I loved. 

Friend, this isn't a story of another romance ending. This is a story of a relationship coming to an end but the romance between God and his people strengthening. I wrote in my journal last night, "Thank you for loving me enough to pull me through this this situation, thank you for loving me enough to remind me all men can leave me but YOU never will, thank you for loving me enough to be a jealous God who is teaching me what it means to keep you at the center of all that I am, thank you for loving me enough to make me, thank you for loving me enough to shine in my weakness so that I can find strength."

I cling to God because my friend is right, there are no guarantees in a relationship. You can love him, you can do your very best, and he can still choose to walk away. I cling to God because I desperately need a guarantee and God is the only way I'll get it.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

I Do

"Commit everything you do to the LORD, trust Him and He will help you." Psalm 37:5

When I signed up to follow Jesus I had NO clue what I was getting myself into. Seriously. I thought I would say "Ok, God, I will give you my life (meaning I don't want to go to hell when I die) and He would "pour out his blessings upon me" and life would ROCK!

Life has rocked alright, back and forth and up and down kind of rocking!

Being a Christian, a person truly seeking God's will (not just trying to stay out hell) has been and continues to be the very hardest commitment I have ever made. My word for the 2014 is commitment and as one would correctly guess, my commitment on MANY levels has been tested but it always comes back to the very first question I ever had to answer--"Do you trust Me?"

I want so badly to answer instantly "OF COURSE!" but I would be lying if I did and God knows that. So, the process of gaining trust happened the moment I said "I do" to the One who created me. I married God on the side of a road back in 2002; I pulled over as I couldn't see through the tears and I utter the words "I need you, please have me" and in that moment I committed my life to a man I cannot see, a hug I cannot feel and a leader I struggle to trust. I have wavered in all of that at times, I have doubted if it's all really worth it but each time I conclude the same thought--there can be no other way.

For me to learn trust, to learn commitment I have to go through trial after trial after trial. I'm stubborn like that I suppose, but God loves me enough to say "ok, let's try again" and another wave crashes over me that forces me to my knees and I must have another moment of saying "i do."

I have been devoted to God in my own rocky and twisted sort of way for 12 years now and I can honestly tell you the blessings do pour out, the love does flow, and the commitment continues to gain strength. Stay the course friends and trust me when I tell you it's ALL worth it.