A distance

I have had countless dates, several relationships and two failed marriages. I have been deeply in love and I have felt nothing beyond lust. I have cried myself to sleep and laughed so hard my stomach muscles hurt. I have lost myself in some and found myself in others. And now...I keep an arms length distance.

Love is a tricky thing that sometimes I wish I didn't long for. Love is also the best feeling I've ever experienced and expressed. Love makes us better people. There is a famous phrase used to talk about love that many don't realize comes from the Bible but more than that I didn't realize exactly what it meant until recently...

1 Corinthians 13:4-7: Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I've heard those words countless times over the years. I've read them from the Bible countless times and found myself thinking this is how I will know if he loves me and if I love him, this will show me. But in these verses "Love" is meant to mean God. God IS love. Only God can give us all of these things, only God can keep no record of wrong, not be jealous or rude. Only God never gives up. God working through us...that is what will make those words come alive.

A fear that I have is my heart will get to hardened and no one will ever get in. A greater fear drives that one...what if I choose the wrong one again? But then I read those words, I remember how deeply I love God and God loves me, I look at the people in my life that love me and help me do life, and I remember I am not who I was.

I keep an arms length because no one has fought to get beyond that point. I want to be chased, pursued, wanted. I want to be respected, valued, needed. THAT is how I'll know...he's willing to climb the wall, invest the time, and WANT in.

Till next time....

14!!

Well, so much for writing every day! LOL I'll get there, I will. Thank you for being patient and for continuing to check...

My son turned 14 last week. It's been 14 years since I first laid my eyes on him and through the tears I kissed him and whispered "I'm sorry" because I knew the road ahead of us would be rough. 14 years later as we ended his birthday dinner, just the two of us, I kissed him and through tears said "Thank you" because I am honored to share this journey with such a man as he.

My son is growing into a man that all men should take note from, he's caring and affectionate, he's intelligent and musical, he's a deep thinker and a deep feeler. My son amazes me constantly. I'm not sure why God thought I could be his mom, but daily I'm grateful He did because it's a true blessing to raise my son.

I don't what paths lie ahead of us now that he's entering high school. I don't know how that part of his life will alter the rest of it, but I do know he's surrounded by people that love him and more importantly my son has a true and deep love of God; my son in every sense of the word belongs to God, so I rest in that knowledge and rest in knowing that no matter what lies ahead for my son if he crosses your path you will be touched not only by this young man but by God....

Till next time...

run run run

Well I walked the whole hour of my lunch break today. My feet are killing me now as I wore my sandals instead of tennis shoes cause I forgot them at home. Ugh. My friend Anie and I have decided to walk during our lunch breaks, today was day number one! WOOHOO US!!! But the really cool part is while we were walking Anie said she really misses running and I told her that on my "list of things to do before I die" I was to run in a mini marathon, she said she’ll do it with me!!! Not sure if I want to say "woohoo" here or "oh no". LOL Regardless, we’re doing it.

The goal…next year run in the mini down in Indy. Oh boy!! I gotta say though, I’m pretty excited about this. Simply because I hate to run, HATE to run and what an accomplishment that will be! I’m all about getting out of my comfort zone, pushing myself…this will do it for sure!

So, in one year from now I’ll be getting ready to run a mini marathon….pray for Anie and I both that we have strength, endurance, and commitment.

Till next time...

time

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. Actually I just posted the other day on my facebook page that I miss writing. It seems like school has just zapped me of the ability to be creative, to let writing flow without thinking I should be doing homework instead. It's been such a struggle to balance all that's going on..including time for me to write. But, last night was my last night of going to IWU for the BSM program!! 19 months, wow I'm done. My mom is ordering graduation invitations and we're planning the party...I really did it! 19 MONTHS!!!! No more Tues night class. I have one class left to take online and then done for good. Whew.

I love writing. I look forward to being able to give it more attention and being able to share with you.

Till next time my friend....