every other weekend

My kids all just left for the weekend to visit their Dad. Erica was playing when her dad got here and I could see the look on her face that she didn't really want to leave. She had just gotten home from school and already had to leave. I remember that look, that feeling.

My parents split up when I was just a baby so I don't know what it's like to not travel between homes. Every other weekend for eighteen years I traveled to my dad's house. I love my dad so very much and was always happy to see him, but I have to admit there were many times when I just wanted to stay home. The trip to my dad's house took just over an hour and on those long drives I'd have talks with myself, saying "I'll never ever make my kids experience this life". And tonight I said good bye to all three kids, going to two different homes because I've divorced twice.

In the big picture I've moved on from that, accepted it is what it is. But there are moments that creep in, moments like tonight that hit me and the little girl comes back out. The little girl in me was starring at me in the little girl of my youngest child tonight. As I bundled her up to go outside she looked up at me with a matter of fact look, kissed me and walked out the door. Tonight I'm reminded that I didn't hold to the promise I'd made myself, to my children. Tonight makes me sad.

But I know they will survive this. I know. Doesn't make it any less painful to watch. I wonder if that's what God feels when He looks at us struggling. He watches us bundle up and walk outside all the while knowing His child will get hurt. How in the world does He cope with that, because sometimes it's just too much for me to bare. Maybe it's because He sees the bigger picture and I tend to get lost in the moment.

I know this much, I pray ALL THE TIME my kids will not marry until they are ready and sure! Divorce never ever gets any easier!

Till next time...