Sunday, November 30, 2008

enjoy the process

When any of my friends find love my advice to them is always the same...enjoy the process of falling in love. No one ever told me that. I didn't realize that it was a process, not an arriving point. I thought "whew, we've fallen in love. now we can get on with life." I missed it totally! Falling in love should be just that, falling. A little more every day. After day. After day. After day.

The very advice I give to my friends, sucks when it's turned around on me!! I'm not good at slow. I'm not good at process. I'm good at "do it and move on". But for three solid years God and I have been talking about this very topic and for three solid years He's been slowly teaching me how to enjoy the process, any process for that matter. He's been teaching me to "let it happen" rather than "make it happen". He's been teaching me to trust the process even when it hurts.

Falling in love is scary for me. I've loved and lost too many times. But I've also always jumped in and thought later, I'm sure that has something to do with it! :)
I very well could fall in love again and still have it end. There are no guarantees, I know this. But for the first time I'm feeling the process, I'm finding comfort in the process. For the first time I'm truly simply "falling" in love; day by day. And for the first time...I hope I never find the destination because the process is amazing!

Till next time...

Monday, November 24, 2008

all of Him

I haven't been on here to write in several days, well that's kinda true. I've been on here and started only to stop and log off. When I started this blog the conversation between God and I went something like this...ok, I'll do it but I will only write when the words come from you, when they flow and I know at the end it's peace between you and I. So, I get on here and start to write but just feel uneasy. For a time I thought that meant God was saying to me, 'not yet.' However, I've come to realize that uneasy feeling isn't so much a lack of God's direction as it's my own every day life getting in the way.

The other day I had counseling and we ended up talking about the fact I've been on the verge of a panic attack for nearly two weeks. I'm just completely stressed out. We talked for several minutes about what exactly has me so stressed and I ended up saying out loud I am still unsure if I can trust God to take care of me. The tears streamed down my face at the sound of those words. I said it out loud. I couldn't believe it. I felt total shame. My counselor said "congratulations, you're still human" with a smile on his face. I of all people should know that God takes care of us. I can give you story after story of being clearly taken care of by no one other than God. My life is filled with evidence of God's love and grace and commitment. And in that room I said out loud can I really still trust Him to take care of me, to not simply get me going only to leave me hanging. We talked through all of this and I must say I felt so much relief in just being able to share my worries. My counselor gave me scriptures to look up that talk specifically about anxiety and God's trustworthiness. I left feeling so much better.

That night I got a call from my ex-husband telling me he has lost his job. Do you see how God works? If I had not had that conversation with my counselor earlier that day and remembering I felt a panic attack right around the corner, the news of the job loss would have surely sent me over the edge. God prepared my heart, reaffirmed in me that yes I can trust Him knowing full well this news would be coming to me.

Then in church on Sunday our sermon was about having conversations with God. The illustration used was a jar of water and when asked what it was we were finally told, after much guessing, that "it's Lake James". To clarify the pastor explained that although it's not all of Lake James, the water inside is ALL Lake James. Do you see the difference? Then when you think about the Holy Spirit taking residence inside us we are carrying all God, just not all of God...cause we'd probably explode! LOL

Apart from God I really can't endure the trials I'm going through right now. I knew this. I did. But somewhere among all my busyness, I forgot. It can get confusing when you talk about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Honestly I don't think they sit up there getting all bent out of shape over one getting more attention than the other; however, I do think we need to remember they are all three available to us and in us. The spirit inside of me is ALL God. So, this morning I sit here reminding myself to take a deep breath, slow down, and remember that although times are stressful and I can't imagine how I'll make it through the next six months God is in me and He alone will do it for me!! Whew!

Till next time...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Getting Married

I have a friend who's marriage is on the rocks. When I was a kid I wondered why people would use that phrase, I know now. When you're trying to walk on big rocks that are different sizes and jagged it's a little scary and definitely unstable. Her marriage is just that...scary and unstable. Listening to her makes me glad I'm still single as I don't miss the days of ups and downs. Being single I know that no one can come in and pull out the bottom on me and my children. Being single brings lots of safety!

So why then did I cry last night the whole way home from class? Why then do I still have these stupid moments of fear that I will be alone forever? We've been talking about fears in church the past few weeks. Sunday hit mine on the head...fear of failure. That is for another post, but for now I'll say this...I fear letting someone in only to realize I made yet another mistake--another failure.

I took shelter in thinking that this time will be different for me because this time I'm different. I follow God, something I didn't do in the past. This time I'll find a man that also follows God. So, to me this time I can breathe easy...apparently I was wrong. I know of a couple who's been married for 30 years and are truly Godly people--they are getting divorced. My friend loves God with all she is and she married a godly man--they are falling apart. So now, now I don't even have the notion of Godliness to hold onto. Again I ask why on Earth do I still long to be married?

Because I believe in it. I believe in the reason as to why God created Eve for's not good for man to be alone. We are relational creatures, we aren't designed to walk alone. And there is no greater escape from life than falling into the one you love with every fiber of your being. That's why I cried last night, because I was coming home to an empty house with no one to fall into.

till next time...

Friday, November 7, 2008


The holidays are coming. My whole life I have had to travel over the holidays, going between my mom and my dad's house. At 32 I'm still having to travel, only now it's more complicated due to having kids of my own and divorces of my own. Requests have already started for marking my calender to attend parties and my schedule is already looking like there won't be enough days to complete everything. *Sigh* However, between Thanksgiving vs. Christmas I will share with you Thanksgiving is the hardest for me and not for reasons you may think.

Thanksgiving 2000 was the first year I didn't have my kids for the holiday, due to my divorce. They were 3 and 5 and as the day approached all I could do was cry, literally. My family knew it would be hard for me and both my mom and dad invited me to spend it with them, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to see the look of pity on their faces, the look that says "I know all too well how you feel". I didn't want to be reminded that I had done exactly what I swore as kid I wouldn't do...force my kids to experience the life I had lived. What I wanted to do was hide in my tiny apartment, hide from the world, hide from my failures. Instead, I spent the holiday with Kevin a man who, over the course of seven years, stole my heart and then shattered it into pieces. But that day, that Thanksgiving, he was exactly what I needed.

It was his first thanksgiving without kids too, so he knew right where I was. He truly felt my pain and together we got through the day. We cooked an entire thanksgiving meal and then sat on the couch and watched football all day. It was the first year in my life I felt no stress from family means well, don't misunderstand me. But it is stressful bouncing back and forth between homes, feeling guilty for being at one and not the other. It is stressful listening to one talk about the other and feeling somewhat responsible for the pain that is so obvious. It is stressful feeling like it's never enough--you're never there long enough or often enough. Holidays suck for children of divorce.

To this day that Thanksgiving was the most relaxed thanksgiving I've had...ever. I missed my kids, trust me. I had moments of sadness come over me, but I also knew I'd see them in the morning and that we would have our thanksgiving then. That day, that true Thanksgiving Day, I felt calm and accepted. I felt I was enough.

Thanksgiving, 2008 is in just a few short weeks. This year isn't my turn to have the kids, I will get them the next morning. My family still invites me to be with them, knowing how hard it is to be away from your kids on a day talking about giving thanks, but just as so long ago I'm not sure where I want to be that day.

Eight years later I no longer speak to Kevin. I haven't seen him in a very long time. I have no idea how he is or if he's any better than the day things ended. Eight years and thousands of tears later I have moved on from that season of my life, but find myself asking what will this thanksgiving bring?

A lot has changed in eight years. I have come from darkness and stand now in light. I have felt no sense of belonging and now know that I have true purpose. Eight years later I have found me, apart from any man but completely within the Son of Man. I don't know what I will do this year on Thanksgiving Day, my options are plenty. I do know I will be reflecting on the past and saying over and over how thankful I am for the life I have lived and will live. Eight years later I much to be thankful for, even if we deal with the pain of divorce.