Tuesday, April 13, 2010

It’s all a matter of perspective…

When I was in high school, I lost four friends in a period of seven months to auto accidents. Each one seemed to get closer to home, our friendship was deeper. That was 18 years ago and I find myself still having moments of thinking about each of them. Just the other day I was thinking about turning 34 and all that I have experienced and suddenly I thought “Jenny has never gotten to, her parents aren’t able to see the woman in her” and started to cry. I miss her, 18 years later.

I write a lot about friendships, love, connections. I guess because it’s the core of who I am. I’m not the kind of person who can go long periods of time without touch, without people. I’m not the kind of person that can truly shut my heart down…though many times I’d like to. I write about these things because I’ve had to learn a lot the hard way, I’ve had to learn a lot due to someone else’s decisions, and I’ve had to learn a lot because I long for more. It’s not a bad thing, none of it…it’s just the road my life has traveled.

When I had a conversation with a friend about the various stories that make up who I am today I could see the pain on his face. I could see that he wished he’d been there to some how spare me from those stories, but as I reminded him…my life today totally rocks and I wouldn’t change a thing! Ok, maybe some things I would change…

I would change:
Hanging out with my friends more instead of chasing boys
Talking to my mom instead of thinking she knew nothing
Being brave enough to ask him out instead of fading into the background

I can’t go back and start my life over again, but I most certainly can decide where my next step will be placed. I don’t want to be turning 64 and saying I wish I’d….I want to be turning 64 and saying hey remember when….So, I won’t shut my heart off just because I’ve been hurt and I’ll continue live a life that rocks if no other reason than Jenny can’t and I miss her deeply.

Till next time...

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Circle of Life

Growing up I was never one to have lots of friends; I had a few very close friends. Today I have a lot of friends, all at varying degrees of closeness. Some are completely in, knowing all of me, seeing the complete woman I am. Others only see parts of me, the parts they need to see.

Last night I chatted with an old childhood friend, she was my best friend in a town I felt totally out of place in. I don't remember how it happened, I simply remember being grateful it did. When you're 12 years old you have no way of imagining what life lies ahead of you; when your 33 years old your amazed you've survived that life!

Today my circle of friends is fantastic and colorful. Some friends are deep in their Christian walk, others wonder if God is real. Some friends have been married longer than I've been alive and others are afraid to marry at all. I've been friends with some of them for years and others only months, each of them brighten my life in their own unique ways and each of them love me deeply.

My daughter turns 13 in a matter of days. She's in 7th grade, the same age I met my oldest best friend. I watched her this morning, getting ready for school, making sure her hair looked just right and her makeup wasn't too much. I just stood there, starring at her; I wonder what life has in store for her, what mistakes she'll make, what joys she'll experience. I felt this wave of familiar come over me, for a brief moment I saw myself.

It's been an amazing adventure, this life I've lead. I'm not the girl I was in so many ways and in other ways...yep, she's still in there. I look forward to the next 33 years...I just hope it's with less tears and more laughter, less heartache and more love and most of all even more friend time!!

Monday, April 5, 2010

No labels

I now work at a place I never ever thought I would, doing something I swore I'd no longer do. It's funny how life takes turns you don't see coming when you stop trying to do all the controlling.

In the past few days I've had basically the same conversation with multiple people...all about this very idea. I think for the longest time people were under the notion that you work the same job till you retire, regardless of how you feel about your job. Today that idea has changed, maybe not because we want it to, but rather because when you lose/quit your job you have no choice but to start thinking about what else will you do with your life.

I didn't work for two years while finishing school. It was an interesting and scary time for me. Scary in many ways but the biggest for me was having to depend on others. I hate that feeling...I don't want to "need" someone else. I dated a guy several years ago that wanted to come over and help me do something to which I said I don't need you to do that, I'm fully able to do it on my own. His reply "It's a good thing to make someone feel needed Carla." I'm still working on that.

Standing at the edge of the meadow, able to walk in any direction..that's completely overwhelming. When someone says what do you do for a living and you have no reply...that's completely embarrassing. Until you realize what a gift it is to be in that position.

What you do is not who you are. How much you earn is not what you're worth. And those two discoveries are the two that have changed my core more than anything else that has happened to me. I had to let go of our society's idea of what I should be doing, how much I should be making, what direction to take my life as a single mom. I had to simply let it go because I had no choice.

What I do is not who I am, but I wouldn't have ever considered it if I hadn't had the "time off" to discover who I am. So to those who still freak out when they think of someone not currently employed...understand their journey is different than yours, but not worse, just different. To those who are jobless...enjoy this moment for the gift that is, a gift to truly find you without the labels.