Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Empty Happy

I saw an ad on msn today that had tips on boosting your mood and it hit me…I’m always looking for quick ways to feel better, look better, do better but nothing ever fully works…why? Because I’m looking to empty moments of happiness. Empty. Sure they may work in the moment and they may even last a little longer than the moment, but eventually they fade away and I’m searching once again for the “better”. God’s been doing a lot of work on me lately in the area of going to everything but Him first. I call my friends. I email. I text. I cry. I whine. I read a book about it. I search the internet for answers. Then, after all areas are exhausted, then I turn to Him. Why do I do that? After all this time I know better. Yet that’s exactly what I do. Don't get me wrong, I pray and ask Him to clarify or answer of give...but I don't think that's way we are to pray...Paul never prayed like that. Paul can be a hard act to follow.

My son told me last night in the car that his goal is to have the “no matter what” attitude we talked about in church Sunday…we’ll follow God, believe in God, turn to God no matter what..all the time. In that moment I felt God’s presence. In that moment I felt not empty. For the past several weeks I’ve wrestled over a major decision in my life, basically over what is my calling, and I keep getting no response from God…nothing. But maybe that in its self is my response right now. Maybe I was getting ahead of God, eager to run ahead like a child wanting to run ahead of its parent when entering the toy store. I can see the store in front of us, I can see what it looks like, I'm so excited; but we’re not there yet…God is walking much slower than I was.

Instead of looking for foods for energy, quotes to make me smile, ideas for having more time in the day….I’m going to try something new, when those needs arise and I feel the urge to look around I will stop, quiet my heart, and be filled by God’s time, God’s love, God’s will….now to just remember this when the moment hits!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

A journey

Have you ever been so use to wearing jewelry that when you don't wear it you feel some how naked? That's how I felt last week. Since I was 12 years old I have said I want to be a counselor when I grow up. Well, I'm all grown up and the other day I went to an open house for a counseling grad program...and left completely confused. It just didn't feel right. I kept asking God what does that mean, only to get the same response in my heart...I've already told you. More confusion. I felt naked. For so many years I'd wrapped myself in the title of counselor, the understanding that I would someday be that, a goal to work towards and suddenly it wasn't there.

I talked with my best friend the whole way home, crying and trying to make sense of all of it. But she continued to remind me the journey isn't over, it's just turned. I tried and tried to make sense of it that night, and the nights to follow but nothing was happening. Then I remembered something I'd done a long time ago, a test I'd taken to see what gifts God had given me. I also remembered a desire I'd had and then...things started clicking...and my heart started racing. All I kept thinking was you can't be serious....

So, here I am today inquiring about a new path with sweaty hands and an excitement that's not been in me for awhile. I'm not sure it's the right path either but what I am sure of...God will let me know. So, until I know for sure I'm keeping it secret but know this...there are many forms of "counseling"....I refuse to do what makes others comfortable and even though sometimes it takes me awhile, I will always follow God even if no one else thinks I should.