Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Starting Over

I came across writing I did last year and it made me realize just how strong I'd become over the last several years...and how quickly I'd forgotten that. I had clarity. I had contentment. I had peace. I had direction.

Today I'm still feeling numb from everything. He text me last night asking for his stuff back. I snapped. I had to explain to my seven year old why he didn't show up to her basketball game and whistle for her. I had to watch tears stream down my 12 year old's face as I told her I ended the relationship. I watched my son fill with anger because he'd given Kevin another chance even though he didn't want to. Together we cried. It crushed my heart.

I don't miss him at all. I have loved that man for nearly 10 years and for the first time ever I feel no love for him, I am empty. It's a weird feeling to have cause I've always loved him, no matter what was going on with us. I've always believed in us and knew that we'd be together forever. I just believed it. Today it's all gone and my heart is empty.

So, I shall start to rebuild only this time I have something I didn't have before...I have the proof of knowing I'll not only survive I will thrive. I am not alone. I have wonderful friends and family and I have a God that simply and completely adores me.

Till next time....

Saturday, February 6, 2010

And ended

Things have been so good. We were doing SO good. And ended. Just like that. It's over. I haven't heard from Kevin since Tuesday. I've called, I've text him. Nothing. He's back to drinking Beam and I'm guessing on a pretty regular basis. We talked Tuesday night about a fight that happened the previous Friday, he'd been drinking Beam then too. I pointed it out and he stood his ground, still saying he was right and the drinking had nothing to do with it. We both agreed it was best to just end the night so he kissed me and said I'll talk to you tomorrow...that's the last I've heard or see of him.

Drinking brings out the worst in him. Beam is Vodka...equally evil. He gave up Vodka, finally seeing it had control of his life and his life was very much out of control. Then switched to Beam saying it's not the same thing. It is. My last words to him...I don't like you when you drink that shit. I DON'T LIKE DRUNK YOU!

So, just like that it's over. No good bye. No let's try and work on it. Nothing. It's over. I'm not sure how I feel about it. We've played this game so many times over so many years that I'm frankly tired. I'm tired of the whole thing. I can honestly say we tried, we were working, and then the darkness of his mind became too much. I did my part though. I gave all that I am.

Actually that is what hurts, if anything of this hurts. It took me so long to get over him the last time...five years ago. It's been a long five years. But I did it. I finally had gotten to a place of contentment and joy. I had peace in my life and absolutely loved my life. He came back...I cautiously let him back in. He earned it....things were so good. But still I worried. I was careful. Then, finally, I started to lay the wall totally down. I need him. I trusted him. I let myself fully love him again. And now....damn him.

Till next time....