The last day

God and I have been fighting, still. Well I think we're starting to fight less lately and now we've moved to that stage of the marriage where an agreement hasn't been made, no party has said "ok", so we're just sitting here letting it all soak in. Ok, I'm sitting here letting it all soak in, He's just waiting patiently on me.

I know it makes some people uncomfortable when I talk about fighting with God, arguing with God. I've even read a book that said it's a sin to argue with God. Honestly I don't really care if what I do bothers others, what I care about is having the deepest relationship possible with God and for me that involves a hashing out of some things every now and then....it means I need to be gut level honest with Him because after all He already knows I'm angry right? Be honest. Be who you are. Just. Be. Honest.

Today is the last day of the year, a symbol of an ending and a hope of a beginning. I've thought a lot this week about what I want the next year to bring and I've camped on the word clarity. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, in many areas. Clarity in all of them would be wonderful but that's no longer the clarity I'm aiming for. This next year I want more clarity in who God is, more clarity in how He sees me. This next year I want more clarity in God's plans so that when trouble comes I will not waiver and even in the moments of tear stained eyes I will say God is good.

John 16:33 Jesus says, "Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcame the world." When these words were spoken He'd yet to die and rise again so in reality He hadn't overcame the world, but He knew without any doubt He would therefore He said I HAVE overcame the world.

As this year comes to an end and we go into 2011 with anticipation of what's to come remember His words, trials and sorrows WILL come...but as long as we keep Christ at the center of our life, as long as we cling to the cross and what it stands for, we will not be overtaken by the waves of uncertainty and fear of the unknown. For we have a savior who confidently says let me lead you, let me show you, let me love you for I HAVE OVERCAME THE WORLD.

Standing Strong

I heard Pastor Bill say one time regarding storms, if you're not in one, one is coming...there is deep truth to those words. I've learned over the years to embrace the moments I'm not in one because I know all to well that one is coming and it seems that as my devotion to God deepens, those storms grow in intensity. Something I do not like at all.

Galatians 6:9 says And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint. Something I came across today and I must admit it's at the perfect time cause I truly feel I could faint (or turn and walk away) right now from every single thing going on. I want to run. I want to move. I want to just leave and start fresh. But that's not why God created me.

Seven months ago God laid Vulnerability Ministries on my heart and with clear instructions. For a moment life was awesome, the calm before the storm I suppose. And now, well now we're in the thick of it friends and I can't seem to wave my white flag fast enough...then I read that scripture. Loosen and relax our courage, lose heart and grow weary...that pretty much sums it up lately. But that's not why God gave this ministry to me.

Right now I have absolutely no idea how anything in my life is going to work out. I feel total confusion and I'm afraid. But I will not give in, I will not live life based on feelings and I will not lose heart (doubt what I know I'm to do), grow weary and faint (turn and run) and I most certainly will not relax my courage (fold under pressure). The waves keep coming but I will stand strong because I know my God created me and I know this storm shall pass and He will carry me through.

God created each of us for something far bigger than any storm we are facing, stand strong my friends and remember who you are.

My book

So as most of my close friends know I'm working on a book...truth be told I've been "working" on it for a very long time, but only in the past six months has it grown to be a short term goal. Writing is my heart, it's something that soothes me in a way unlike anything else I know. Writing is truly a way God uses me...this I am sure of. The thought of writing for eyes that I do not know to see, the thought of truly sharing this writing with everyone, well that's enough to makes the hives come out.

For the past several months God has been calling on me to step out from behind my wall of safety. I thought it meant one thing and I'm now learning it means many things. My wall of safety is what has kept me single for nearly seven years (minus 11 months that I've "dated"). My wall of safety is why I haven't finished the book. My wall of safety has been good, necessary; but now it's apparently time for me to come from behind it, my next step if you will.

God does not give us gifts to be kept to ourselves; God does not allow us to learn lessons to not share with others. My writing is a gift from God and my life experiences are what I draw upon to help those who's path I cross. The two go hand in hand and it's time.

In two weeks I will have three weeks off school. I'm asking for your prayers leading up to those two weeks and during my time off that I may be able to focus on writing, that I get out of the way enough for God to speak, and that the light at the end of this "book tunnel" becomes brighter. The Bible is clear in saying God does not give us a spirit of fear and lately fear has been making a lot of my decisions, including my writing this book. Please join me in praying against that fear and asking the Holy Spirit to swell larger than my fear so I can do this task that has so clearly been laid on my heart to do.

Thanks to each of you, my friends, who support me and encourage me. Thank you for being my iron so that I may become all that God created me to be. Here's to faith, words, and a whole lot of love...

Faithful Friends

I have been battling a storm lately that is unlike any storm I could prepare for and oddly enough for nearly a week I heard the word prepare continuously. I'm not sure I like that word any more. We pray to God, asking Him to help us and when He does by whispering words to us we turn and say don't help like that, help by just taking it away! If only it were that easy, yet if I'm honest I'm not sure I want Him to "just take it away" for it's through the storms in my life I've grown the most, learned the most. It's also through those storms I've developed deeper relationships.

My current storm is one of multiple levels and varying degrees and honestly it's taking it's toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm tired. I'm fighting a cold. My mind is racing all the time. But in the midst of all of this my friends have gone to a deeper level with me, praying on my behalf, crying with me, helping me figure out what the next step needs to be. I have seen God work through the people in my life in amazing ways and I must say it's been a privilege to not only watch but to feel.

I have a very deep relationship with Christ, I'm grounded in my faith and I know without a doubt I am loved by God; I also still have moments of struggling with does He still love me, will He get us through this, is He truly a good God all the time. I struggle with wondering if He's left us, wondering if we'll endure this and come out better, wondering if I have done something wrong. Lately my faith has been tested in ways it's never been tested before...and then God raised my faith through my friends...just like Job.

My friends remind me of truth and they remind me I am not alone in this journey. My friends are God on Earth.

Do I wish this particular storm hadn't come? Yes. Am I grateful for what's brought? Yes. I am fully aware we aren't out of this one yet and I'm fully aware we will endure more as the years pass but what this one in particular has taught me is God has been faithful in bringing people into my life through which He works to reassure me He has not left me, He does truly love me, and He will see us through this so we come out better. God is truly good all the time...even when we can only feel tears running down our face, God is good.

Christmas

I can't believe it's almost Christmas! I haven't started my shopping at all, but it won't take long as I don't intend to buy much. I wonder if I was wealthy would it be different? Would I go overboard on my family and friends? Or would feel the same I do now, not wanting the focus to be on presents but rather on the present we've all been given?

I didn't grow up going to church and honestly there are many Christmas memories I have that lack talk about Christ and what He did for us. By the time I graduated from high school there was no more "Christmas" programs, it was called a winter program; there was no more prayer allowed in school; there was no more reminder of why we celebrate Christmas at all. Why do we celebrate Christmas?

Christmas isn't mentioned in the bible at all. Paul didn't celebrate Christmas, neither did Peter. Mary didn't even celebrate Christmas and it's about HER son! Yet we do and we do it lavishly yet void of why. I don't hear Merry Christmas, I hear Happy Holidays...that use to offend me but now, well now I think maybe it's what we should say because our "Merry Christmas" isn't really about Christ so why does it matter? We say it matters, but do we ACT like it matters?

Do we sit our kids down and explain to them the birth of Christ? Do we talk about God daily with our family and friends? Do we talk about the sacrifice God made for us as part of our normal language? Or do we only flirt with this stuff at Christmas time cause we feel guilty if we don't?

This Christmas I challenge you to not go into debt so you can buy a bunch of stuff that will be played with until the next new thing comes out, but rather to take a risk and be an out loud Christian, be the voice that remembers the birth of Christ that led to the death of Christ that led to the birth of us.

To Be Thankful

Every person has a storm of sort to endure, every person has much to not be thankful for; yet every person has plenty to be thankful for if they just change the way they see. I've been siting in my house, alone, for well over an hour and my mind has been flooded with reasons why I should be thankful so instead of sitting here crying over what I cannot control, worrying about what I don't even know to be, I shall focus my mind on what I know is true, on things that I have to be thankful for...



I am God's daughter regardless of how I "feel"

My children are well regardless of how they "seem"

My future is certain regardless of what I don't "know"

I am loved regardless of what I "lack"

We are safe regardless of what "was"



This thanksgiving I am thankful for healing, I am thankful for love and I am thankful for those at the center of my life. This thanksgiving I am thankful for Truth and I am thankful for the promise of brighter days.

Take a moment to change your perspective this Thanksgiving and see just how lovely the life God created for you really is....

1Peter 2:19

1Peter 2:19 ...you are a chosen people. You are a kingdom of priests, God's holy nation, His very own possession. This is so you can show others the goodness of God, for He called you out of the darkness into His wonderful light.

Yesterday, November 15, 2010 at 4pm the very first board meeting for Vulnerability Ministries was held. Six people gathered around the table with me, discussing what exactly is the ministry, what exactly does God have in mind for VM? There was a moment though that I looked around the table, listening to them try to reflect what they feel my heart is and I truly wanted to cry. I've been crying a lot lately, for various reasons, but these tears were tears of joy, relief, and disbelief. It all started with a letter, actually it all started with God waking me in the middle of the night telling me to write the letter. I remember that night as if it happened last night and here we are, five months later, forming a Board of Directors!

For the most part I am saying "Me? Really God? You want ME to do this?" And then I come across scripture like in 1Peter, so you can show others the goodness of God...call you out of the darkness...and I'm reminded of why He's using me. I am the very last person who should be starting a ministry, especially at this point in my life. But I am. And God clearly reminds me it's not about me, it's not about my comfort, and it's certainly not about making others feel comfortable. It is though about learning to make God the center of our life, our true Healer. It is about finding comfort through admitting the wounds that lay beneath the surface. It is about being real, seeing the beauty in being broken. It is about being vulnerable...in a good way. It is what God has asked me to do.

Intellectually I am capable of starting a ministry, of understanding the business side, of doing all that. I am capable of standing on a stage and being totally vulnerable in sharing my own life, my own wounds. I am also desperate for God to use me in ways that bring Him the praise. So, when I say things like really me? God says only so you can show others My goodness, only so together we can bring them out of the darkness you once knew so well.

We all have feelings of inadequacy, we all wonder why God loves us even a tenth let alone fully. We all have times of knowing we royally screwed up and we most certainly all have doubt in our decisions. And that's exactly why 1Peter 2:19 totally rocks. Read it. Think about it. You are a chosen people. Just camp on those five words for awhile...chosen. Vulnerability Ministries was chosen...oh how that makes me smile.

Money

Money. It's not something many like talking about, unless it's how to make more. I have a friend that's always looking for ways to make more money...to have more stuff. I have another friend that's always looking for ways to save more money...get rid of more stuff. For years I avoided money, as crazy as that sounds, I did. I saw how money changed people and I saw the stress money brought. Money can make people become who they were not meant to be and it can hurt a lot of people. My dad once said "who ever said money can't buy happiness was rich cause money sure would make me happy"; I watched him get the point where he had a little extra money (though he'd never admit that) and he still wasn't happy...my dad missed the whole point of happiness.

We think that when we make more money then our trouble will be gone, we'll be able to pay our bills and we won't stress any longer. To a degree I suppose that is true, however that also implies we think money is the key to being happy and that is a very dangerous thought. Today I am broke. Plain and simple. Yet today I am beyond rich. I never know from month to month how my bills will be paid, yet they always get paid. On the outside some would say that I'm being irresponsible. They haven't taken the time to talk to me. They assume wealth equals money. I don't. They assume responsible equals money. I don't. They also assume they are in charge of providing the money they need to survive and thrive. I don't.

Over the years God has proven Himself to me over and over that He will provide for me. It's not always been in comfortable ways, ways I'd like for it to be, but He's never failed me. In fact, in Malachi 3 (from the old testament) God says to test Him in this area..."Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do, says the Lord Almighty, I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won't have enough room to take it in! Test Me! Let me prove it to you!"

Everything comes from God, whether or not you believe that doesn't really matter. It is what it is. Your money isn't your money, it was a gift from God. And He says that if you test Him, if you trust Him with the money that comes into your house, He will bless you with more than you can even imagine.

Today people are suffering from lack of. Today people are wondering if God has forgotten them. I want to encourage you, no matter what your situation is, no matter how much or how little money you have, each dollar that comes into your hand if you give the first 10% to God by tithing it at church you will be blessed. If you don't go to church then give it to a worthy charity. Where you give it at this point, in my opinion, isn't nearly as important as the actual giving. Test God. Take a step of faith and write the check to give the FIRST 10%...even if that means you won't have enough money to pay your bills. Test God and then wait and see....He will show up. I have no doubt. Write the check even if your hands are shaking...I've so been there and I have seen God show up in outrageous ways!

Lists

I need a list to keep track of my lists...that was a statement I made this weekend to a suggestion that I need to have lists so I make sure and get all my stuff done now that my hands are in so many different areas. But I've thought a lot about it, about that whole conversation actually and as crazy as it sounds, that's exactly what I need to do.

I'm probably one of the most unorganized people I know, yet the flip side to that is I know this. So, now that I know it, how can I work with it to ensure things aren't falling through the crack and I'm not loosing my mind. A list of lists, that's totally me.

Are you feeling overwhelmed just like I am? Do you feel like everything is equally important and you aren't even sure where to start? I hate to admit it, but I've even gotten to the point where I feel so busy a guilty feeling comes over me if I think about taking time to spend with God, "doing" nothing, because I keep thinking of all the things I need to be doing. That's not God's plan at all for us, He doesn't ask us to be with Him after we've done everything else, to give Him what's left of us. He wants the best part, the beginning part...why? Because then He can be at the center of our thought as we begin our day thus we'll be better able to sense His guidance and maybe, just maybe, not feel so overwhelmed.

So, the deal I've made with myself is to get up 15 minutes earlier, not get out of bed mind you, but wake up and spend those first 15 minutes with God...before my brain kicks into full speed and the day starts spinning around me. I am also going to take 15 minutes at night, just before bed, to go over my agenda for the next day. I'll make my list for the next day, go over whatever list I already have, and review what I did for that day. It all sounds so simple, so logical, so easy. Yet I'm fully aware it's not going to be, I'm going to have to remain conscience of this goal and force myself to truly do it, truly stick to it.

It's so much easier to float through life, to not have a lot going on, to ignore all that's going on around me. It's so much easier to whine, eat some cheesecake, and then take a nap. But as I tell my kids life isn't about doing what's easy, it's about doing what's right. It's also about doing things in a certain order because in the end that is what will help relieve the overwhelming feeling.

So, even though right now I feel as if I'd just added something else to my list, I am going to choose to change my thinking and know I've just taken a major step in helping myself out. Let the list making and time taking begin...

Through prayer....

I've been a Christian long enough to know when a verse or topic surfaces often in a short period of time, God's trying to tell ya something...and prayer has been surfacing a lot lately for me. For the longest time I was terrified to pray out loud, in front of others. I'd tell my grandma no, I'm not praying when it's time to eat. I'd tell my small group no I'm not praying at the end of our time together. I'd even tell God no I'm not talking to you out loud. It just felt weird, to be talking to "someone" who wasn't even here. To talk to air...really? I think that was one of the major issues I had with becoming a Christian, believing in what seemed to be air.

Over the seven years I've been a Christian I've come to have a different view on prayer and a different view on talking to air. I now ask for people to pray for me and I offer to pray for others. I don't feel weird saying to someone well, lets pray right now about that. I believe in the power of prayer, the power that comes from centering our minds and hearts in the moment and truly seeking God. I also believe we will get little accomplished apart from prayer. Which is why I'm so puzzled as to why I've let my life slip from prayer.

I pray, don't get me wrong...actually what I do is talk to God throughout my day. What I have seemed to let slip is starting my day by focusing on God, the kind that comes from sitting still and truly seeking Him through prayer. The kind of prayer where I'm not saying "please do this...amen", but rather the kind of prayer that says "I'm here, what would you like me to do?" The kind that focuses on the needs of those in my life, the needs of those in this world. The kind that says I know what I want, but what do you want? I've let that kind slip.

We're all busy and it seems that as time goes on we become more busy. We long for more hours in the day, but if we step back and seek God's idea for us it actually involves less hours in the week. After all, the Creator even took a day off!

Last night I went to bed spent and overwhelmed. I wondered how I'm exactly going to pull all this off. How I'm going to be effective at everything I need to do. This morning though I felt a strong sense to just sit and be with God. I journaled during that time and this is what came out "I have not continually invited You into my moment". The path I'm on is very full and I'm not meant to do it alone. It's filled so that I remember I need God, it's filled so God's light shines..not mine.

As my day has gone on I've felt a peace, I'm re-centered. I encourage you to seek to invite God into all of your moments...I'm willing to bet you haven't and I'm also willing to bet you're feeling overwhelmed just like I was. Start your day with true prayer, true time of focusing and seeking His will. End your day knowing you did all you could and you trust God to do all He can.

Two years of life...

I'm really struggling in school, not in the sense that it's too hard for me but rather it's forcing me to be what I'm not...or is it? I'm struggling over the fact I feel like my writing is forced to be rigid, forced to be not who I am...not real. It's a lot of what I call scholarly writing, quoting from other books and writing in a way that's not revealing who the person but rather what the concept is. I hate it.

I've been starring at the screen for over an hour now, trying to stay focused on what I must get done and all I can think is "why exactly are you having me do this?" I'm truly confused as to why I'm in school. Is that even normal? I guess I'm not totally confused, I know it's where God wants me. I guess I'm just confused as to why me? I don't "fit" well into the group AT ALL. I fear that through this process I'll lose part of who I am, the part that I really love...my style of writing.

So, I'm sitting here trying to get motivated to finish my homework and the thought came to me, maybe it's not about you at all. I really dislike that thought, though it occurs to me often. Maybe I'm there, among these people, for reasons way beyond me and my discomfort. Maybe the challenge that comes with grad school with actually make me better, not take away what I love.

This challenge is something I wanted, after all no one made me go to grad school. This challenge is something I knew would force me to the next level. It's going to be a very intense two years, but two years will go by regardless; so I can either step up to the plate and embrace the challenge or I can fight it the whole way. I'm going to try and embrace it, knowing full well there will be moments of fighting...but two years will pass regardless.

Power

Today I am 34 1/2 years old. I remember when the 1/2 was so important. I was always trying to be older, act older, sound older. I always wanted to be what I wasn't. Why do we do that? All kids try so hard to be what they aren't. All parents have had at least moments of trying to make your kid into something they aren't. Last weekend I sat at a table with my step brother and step sister and wondered "do my parents see us for who we truly are or do they see what we aren't?"

I have a friend who is in the beginning stages of divorce. Another who is fighting for his life. Another who is fighting for the life of her adult child. I don't honestly know any one that can look you in the eye and say yep this is EXACTLY how I saw my life when I was a kid rushing to becoming an adult. I sat on my bed last night crying because of a decision I must make, a decision that will affect my child, a decision I have begged God to fix for me so I don't have to do it. And yet, this morning I woke feeling peace because I know who I serve, who I try to please, who I allow to have power over me.

Sometimes we feel there's a black cloud that follows us...well, if that's the case then what's the central theme? You. The "black cloud" is over you. You have the ability to remove it. By will power? Let me know how that works out for ya. By running away? Yeah, let me know on that too. By ignoring? Ah, that's my favorite thing to do and yet I notice that the cloud just gets blacker. So how? People ask me how can you have gone through all you did just three years ago and be as happy and grounded in life as you are? Faith. Bottom line, no fluff involved. Faith.

There is power in losing control. There is power is surrender. There is power in not living for others. It's scary. It's overwhelming. It's freeing. As a kid I couldn't wait to turn another year older because I thought that would mean people would finally start treating me like I meant something, not just a "kid". Now I can't wait to turn another year older because that means I've got another year of learning from Him under me and another year of lesson ahead of me. But today, today I find myself saying "Please just let me sit here for a little while longer". Today I don't want to be older or younger. I'm finally content right where I am.

Stop hanging on to something that's hurting you. Stop fighting for something that only makes you cry. Stop trying to run from who you are. Stop pretending it's all ok. Stop being loud, demanding, controlling, and please stop fighting the whisper of I love you.

True power lies in not having power.

Church on Sunday. Life on Monday.

I was told recently that a reason to stop going to church is the church is filled with fakes, people that act one way in the church and then act a completely different way during the week. I'm guessing this is a struggle for many people, on a variety of levels.

Psychologists will tell you that when you're busy pointing out someone else's faults it's a sign of your own insecurities; holding up a mirror to yourself. There are times when I'm at church and I feel as if people look at me and wonder "who does she think she is?!" Sometimes I feel completely unlovable, completely unforgivable and completely unable to hold my head high and say God loves me. Sometimes I wonder if I should just skip church and stay home, hiding from the world. I struggled with that more in past, but I'd be lying if I said it never crossed my mind.

I wish I could stand up just once in church and start pointing at people and telling the room their "secret". I wish people would stop just long enough to realize the church is filled people...and people screw up daily. I wish people would realize that you don't have to be perfect before you can go to church and I surely wish people would stop pretending like they have it all together and everyone else sucks.

I don't like it when someone comes to church and puts on a show, acting all "churchy" only to turn around a live a totally different life during the week. Have a conversation with them in church and they talk about God, talk to them outside of church and it's totally void of God. Church on Sunday. Life on Monday. Gag. I get why that bothers people, but I don't think those people should be what keeps you from going to church and growing as a Christian. That's only hurting yourself!

I'm going to make it part of my mission in life to force people to be honest regardless of where you are. Talk about your struggles, talk about God, talk about the life you'd like to live. Be. Honest. Please don't stop going to church because someone is shallow enough to try and make you feel you must live up to their standard of Christian. Please don't stop going to church because you feel unlovable or like a complete failure. Please don't stop going to church because you don't know how to do blend all of life with how you feel Sunday's while worshiping in a place where it's easy to talk about God. Please.

I challenge us all to be more honest, be more open, be more real. I encourage you to hold your head high regardless of what you "think" you deserve, grace my friends is about the exact opposite. Don't live two lives, that's way to much work. Be you, every where you are. And if you can't...then change it, but don't stop going to church and seeking God!

I challenge us Christ Followers to stop making people feel like they have to hide who they are in order to please us, to make us feel better. Because that's what it's all about...you're forcing them to be fake cause you can't handle the truth of who they are in the moment. Well, it's not about you...as a Christ Follower it's about Christ and it's about them. Not you. Get over yourself and love people where they are damn it!

Let's stop doing church on Sunday and life on Monday. Let's stop feeling like we can't go before God just as we are. Let's stop making others feel they suck more than we do. Let's stand in church as one large group who desperately needs God and needs one another....

What IS your ministry?

Five months ago God lead me to the decision to start Vulnerability Ministries and to be in ministry full time. It's been difficult to fully articulate exactly what it is I'm doing, to give people an answer I think will satisfy them; largely because the answers are only slowly coming to me. I have a bird's eye vision of what it is, but getting into the details hasn't been the easiest. This morning however I shall try to narrow the view and hopefully help you understand Vulnerability Ministries.


I believe that no matter what kind of life you have lived you have been wounded along the way. Even if you had a great childhood and wonderful parents and now have a great life, things happen that hurt you and caused you to add a layer of protection to yourself. Some of us have wounds that are easy to identify, some of us must dig a little deeper, but we all have them. My wounds come in several forms, some worse than others. As I've begun to share my story and let people see what those wounds are I discovered there are MANY people today carrying the weight of a wound but never addressing it. When you don't acknowledge something is broken you can't fix it. When you don't fix it, the weight of it grows thus infecting other areas of our life. It saddens me to hear someone whisper in my ear "your the first person I've ever told that...." but I hear it often.


My goal is not to start a new church or become a preacher (although if that's what God tells me to do then I guess I'll have to do it). My heart though is to connect with churches, to come alongside them and help them become a healthy church. Our churches are filled with hurting people who walk through the doors on Sunday morning and put on the "happy Christian face" but are crying on the inside. Churches are slowly becoming more tolerant of someone being honest with who they are and where they've been in life, my desire is to increase that beyond a tolerance and to make people of any walk of life feel completely accepted so they can be honest about what is beneath the fake smile. When you're honest about who you are, when you're honest about the wounds you carry and when you admit you need God in ALL areas....well, that my friend is when healing truly begins to happen.


People will talk about someone relapsing in their addiction, going back to the abusive husband, continuing to have causal sex, etc and I know without a doubt all that happens because that person has yet to fully cry out to God, has yet to be fully honest with who they are what their journey has been like. That person still has something they are denying thus something they are keeping from God, God is not yet their center. My goal...get that particular wall down.


Four years ago I started searching as to why I am created a woman and why God even made woman. Over the last four years I've gone from wondering why I'm a woman, to hating being a woman, to loving God deeper for making woman. Vulnerability Ministries is an expression of that and hopefully a way for all to connect on a large scale and women to connect on an intimate scale.


That is one part. The other is to connect with our youth. I've never felt I am raising children, I've always said I am raising future adults. The kids of today will be the adults of tomorrow and it's our responsibility to come alongside them and help them become the best adults they can be. The adults that are whispering in my ear...they were once children and wounds started then. We need to be teaching healthy boundaries, teaching that it's ok to have morals, it's ok to love God and above all teaching them it's not ok to keep those wounds inside. My goal through the ministry is to provide a safe place where kids can talk openly, get solid direction, and begin to learn the importance of having Christ as your center in life.


That's the bottom line really....we need to have Christ as the center of our life. That's my ultimate goal, help people of all ages begin to do that.


So, hopefully that helps. Please feel free to call me or email me if you want to talk further. If you think you're church is open to this ministry let me know that too. If you'd like to donate to the ministry, or if you'd like to volunteer in some way then lets talk! Thank you all for your support and your encouragement. It's not an "fun" ministry that's for sure, but it truly is an inspiring one and I'm beyond excited God is allowing me to be part of someone's healing journey.

and yet

It seems the harder I try to hear from God, the less I hear. I go to Him with questions, I truly want to know what He wants me to do and yet...I feel nothing inside. No direction. And then suddenly I'm reminded that "you've got it all wrong". I'm going with the need for answers instead of the need for relationship. I can't help but smile at this because I knew that, I did. And yet...

I've had many people tell me "it must be nice to stay home", "it must be nice to not work a real job", "it must be nice to sit around and read all day". My response? It is. I wish that was my response. Because honestly I have been on the defense since the day I began this current "next step". Always feeling I must defend what I do all day and never escaping the feeling that it could be more. I earnestly seek to please God, no one else and yet...

As a Christian you must be aware of the FACT there are two parts to you; a spiritual and a flesh. Christians spend a lot of time focusing on God, saying all the right things, doing all the right things. Christians are really good at putting on our good little christian face. Reality is we have a flesh side too and if we aren't careful we'll be fooled into believing we're doing God's will but in reality we're simply doing the will of our flesh (which can look a lot like pleasing others). I love God more than I've loved anyone, I deeply want to make Him happy and yet I let my flesh get in the way. I love what I do, my daily life, and yet I let my flesh get in the way. In this life there aren't many things we can control but I can most certainly control my response to what my flesh desires. Following God is hard, it requires sacrifice, time, dedication, and a lot of uncertainty (otherwise known as faith). Following my flesh is easier, feels better in the moment and makes others more comfortable. And yet...

Today I will return to what He first asked me to do, just be. Today I will do my "job" knowing I'm right where He asked me to be. Today I will walk with God instead of run ahead and today I will remember that I will stumble, even fall, and yet...He leads me because He is my Shepherd (not my flesh).

At a loss

The first song I heard on the radio this morning was one of my all time favorite Christian songs..."I'm finding myself at a loss for words and the funny thing is, it's ok." I talk to God often, daily actually, but in all my talking there are still times when I just can't seem to find the words. Sometimes I'm at a loss for words.

Right now in this world someone is dying and someone is being born. Right now someone is feeling total isolation and someone is feeling total love. Right now someone is feeling anxiety of what's to come and someone is feeling resolution over what happened. Right now we are all feeling something, yet right now there is something going on in our life that leaves us at a loss for words.

We can get so caught up in the daily chores of life that we forget there is life beyond our moment, life beyond our eyesight. We forget that it's ok to go before God at a loss for words. We forget what matters. When I'm at a loss for words I often wonder if God isn't saying "Finally, she's listening"...I challenge us all to find ourselves at a loss for words more often, to be still and know, to be bold enough to say word of God speak.

Plates

According to most people I have way to much on my plate. I've always been someone with a lot going on, if you wait to ask for my help when "things die down a little" you'll always be waiting. The difference between the plates today and the plates just a few years ago is now the plates are all on purpose.

For so many years I just floated through life, allowed life to simply happen. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I was just existing and trying not to drown. I was also doing what I felt everyone else thought I should be doing which largely revolved around "earn a paycheck".

The old Carla was driven by the approval of others. Today, I am driven by God. Not His "approval" mind you, He gave me that when Christ died for me; I'm driven by a deep desire to follow Him. When I shifted my focus from people to God a lot changed in my life. I hit major valleys but I also found an amazing peace. I've finally accepted the fact that God will call me to do things that seem crazy at first only to make complete sense on the other side. Hence, my life now.

I can honestly tell you my life is much more hectic now than it ever has been and I'm not working a "real" job. We are pretty much broke according to paper (and the bank). My daily list never seems to shorten though it changes every single day. I have more confidence now than I ever have, better friends now than I ever have, more focus, more energy, more dedication, more uncertainty, and more joy. I haven't "earned a pay check" since May though I've received "pay checks". I'm exhausted at the end of the day and thrilled to do it all over again the next.

Not everyone lives the life I do, just like not everyone lives the life of a fighter pilot or teacher or post office worker. We are not all created equal, not in the sense of purpose. When it comes to purpose, to all the stuff on our plates, God has a very unique reason for each of us. It's our duty to seek that reason, to live out our calling, and to accept whatever "plates" He gives us.

Tomorrow another plate will be added, grad school. Seminary to be exact. I'm going to church school. I must be honest and say that makes me smile, laugh and have a heart burn all at the same time. When I asked God to please use me I didn't see this coming. When you seek to find out why you were created be prepared, He WILL show you. The plates I have now are not what I envisioned seven years ago when I started going to church, but the plates I have now I wouldn't trade if my life depended on it...because His life did.

I'm busy because I choose to be. I'm busy because I choose to follow God, no matter what. As the song goes, I'm right where I need to be....fill your plates with God and you will be too.

Unbelief

I am starting to see a major pattern in my life that I need to figure out how to combat...when things start getting uncomfortable my creativity seems to leave. I feel it building, I sense something's not right. I'll sit here, starring at the screen and have nothing come out. It's frustrating. One thing after another has been coming lately, for several months now actually. Just when I think "whew, we're done with that" something else comes, only in a completely different form. All the while though my writing starts slipping until eventually it's been days since I've written anything.

Yesterday during a conversation with God I told Him, "You've got to do something! Please, you've got to show up in this!" Other times I've said "help where I don't believe". Did you know that's biblical? A man asked Jesus "please help my unbelief"...that man believed enough to know that Christ could break through where he didn't believe, the areas of his life that lacked faith, the areas of his life he wanted to still control.

Today someone told me they believed in me...enough to support me in out loud ways financially for an upcoming missions trip. "I believe in you my friend"...I typed back saying "I need people to believe where I lack" and it suddenly hit me, I remembered all the times I ask God to show up out loud and outrageous, to help my unbelief...you see, when I prayed that I thought He'd give ME what I needed, inside, but what He's doing is helping that unbelief by sending others who believe in the areas I'm weak! He's answering my prayers, just not in ways I expected (no I shouldn't expect anything less I know!). Please help my unbelief...someone says I'll believe for you.

So my writing to you today, outside of the explanation above, is simply this...how sweet it is to have a friend in you. Thank you for supplying my unbelief.

Sex or....

This morning the news talked of a man who survived an in-home invasion, his two daughters and wife were not as lucky; although I'm not sure you can say he's lucky as he will now forever live with the sounds of torture. I watched him on the tv, looked at his eyes and saw nothing but hollow. He'll never be the same, forever changed because of the evil that exists in this world.

Later in the news they talked about the female newscaster who's causing some issues due to the way she dresses, or lack there of. A panel of women were brought on to talk about this "outrage" and to analyze if her clothes are ok, if they way the football players reacted to her is ok, if this is something we want to portray to our children, blah blah blah.

I've thought about this all day. I can't shake the image of that man, a widowed man who is also childless now. I am shocked at the amount of time and energy spent on the newscaster over the fact that this man's family was murdered and he heard every single word. Sex over death.

I saw a commercial for a local station going out and asking the public what they'd like to see on the news and one man said "not so much bad stuff". I bet he'd also tell you he'd rather hear about the newscaster over the murder. Sex over "bad stuff".

I watched my daughter cheer last night, I sat starring at her and wondered "what exactly is the point of having the skirts THAT short, especially for girls that are only 12 and 13 years old and don't understand the implications that go along with revealing your body?" The NFL cheerleaders wear basically fancy bras instead of shirts and no one seems to find a problem with that. Sex over clothing.

It makes me sad that we as a society value sexual crap over feelings, over a person's life. We seem to think sexual is what's at the center of who we are, if we're attracted to someone then it's ok to act on that in whatever fashion we see fit. Women wear revealing clothing and then wonder why they have low self esteem. Men have meaningless sex and then wonder why nothing ever completely satisfies them.

Sex is good, don't misunderstand me; God made us to be sexual beings. It's just not meant to be the heart of who we are.

So today I wonder how exactly I'm to raise my girls with class, to teach them to embrace their body, be proud of it, yet respect it. Teach them that just because "they" wear clothes with all their junk hanging out doesn't mean you should...and why you shouldn't. To teach them that men will look, it's how God made them, but it doesn't mean they can touch. To teach them real men will make you feel like the daughter of God you are, not an object to make them feel like a man for a moment. Value over sex. Value. Over. Sex.

Impossible

I read a blog just now that talked about impossible prayers, the author challenged us as the reader to leave a comment with what our impossible prayer is so I started to do it and then stopped. I starred at that blank box for what felt like eternity and then as I started to touch the keyboard I felt fear sweep over me. Doubts filled my head, what if it's another one that doesn't get answered? Remember how He didn't answer that ONE? What if you're just wasting your time, being silly? Who am I to ask for this? All the while my fingers never left the keyboard, I let them lay there as I starred out the window as if searching for some sign that it was ok to start typing, to start praying. There was no miraculous sign, no great movement inside me, I didn't hear God's voice telling me it was ok. I simply took a deep breath and said "I trust you" and started to type.



I had an impossible prayer once, a prayer that was the very cry of my soul and I believed with all that I had in me God would answer that prayer. He didn't. At least not in the form of my prayer. The surface part of me can reason with it, justify why and brush off the pain, but below the surface the hurt is still very much alive...I discovered this a few weeks ago when I blurted out while alone in my car "You didn't do it! You let me down!" Tears fell as I realized that all those times God asked "do you trust me" and I replied "yes of course" I didn't fully. There's still a part of me that stays protected from Him because I don't feel I can fully and truly trust Him. It goes much deeper than that one prayer honestly, maybe I'll write about it tomorrow, but for today that particular unanswered prayer wounded me greatly.



As I began to type I recalled the tears that fell that day in the car and the words that followed, I asked for forgiveness and in that moment between God and myself I forgave myself for a lot of things including my unbelief. God didn't just not answer it, there are reasons some of which I know and some I do not. Regardless, His no is a form of protection not a rejection and His yes is not merely for enjoyment but for growth. So, today as I was challenged to pray another impossible prayer I knew it was God's way of saying "do you trust me", a moment of truth had crossed my path...do I? I wish I could tell you of course I do, I trust God in ALL areas of my life, but I would be lying. I still struggle. I WANT to trust Him, I'm working on trusting Him, and I'm much further than I ever have been. My impossible prayer has changed a little over time and even grown in depth. My impossible prayer still seems very impossible to me, yet God has proven himself to be a God of the impossible. My answer to God as I began to type was "I do trust You, help the part of me that doesn't."



The prayer is out there, for Him to do with as He chooses. Some would counsel "well, now you wait and see"...I say "now I have faith that He'll answer me" and what He answers is for my best interest.

answered prayers

When I pray for something, when my heart is really in it and I earnestly seek God, seek His wisdom, lay my desires at His feet and just want clarity on my next step...when I do all that I KNOW God will answer, I never doubt that. It's how He answers that I don't know or more importantly when and what He'll say. Guess that's the patience part.

When I need to make a tough decision, I wait for the calm I feel in the eye of the storm. That inner peace of knowing regardless of what it looks like on the outside, regardless of what anyone else says, I know the decision is the right one. It's not about what feels right, or what looks right, or even what I think is right, it's about that calm that I know comes only from God.

Today I woke with more peace than I've felt in a very long time, the calm has arrived. It's been coming, little by little, I've gotten more clarity and started to understand what the answer was going to be. Others were telling me their opinions, all of which I shared their desires, none of which I felt in my heart was the answer. They said go, my heart said wait. And then...it happened. It's interesting to me how God answers my prayers in ways I don't expect and usually involve some sort of heartache. Every decision we make means we said yes to something and no to something. Every time. Sometimes, as in this particular case, the yes and no both bring a little sadness and a lot of relief.

The answer isn't the one I'd hoped for, yet exactly what I'd prayed for. Lord, please show me what to do, if I'm not moving in the right direction please make that clear...and He did. We need to remember that just because we don't get the answer we want doesn't mean we don't get answers. We also need to remember that when we don't get the answer we want, it wasn't what is best and though it hurts for a moment, God has something MUCH better in mind.

Today my clarity is here, my calm in the eye of the storm. It brings disappointment, but it also brings freedom. I no longer wonder. I now longer need to stress over it. I no longer need to talk about it. "I was blind and now I see"....yep, now I see.

I thank God for answered prayers that come in out loud and outrageous ways. I also thank God for answered prayers that come in the form of no because that means yes to something else.

Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (Romans 12:12).

It seems that when I have a lot of good things going on, there's always gotta be that bad thing that creeps in. My bad thing has been around for weeks now, looming in the background, whispering just loud enough I don't forget it is there. And then suddenly it takes center stage and my focus shifts from all the good things to the one bad thing. My attitude changes from grateful to worry which then leads to anxiety, frustration, and tears. Then the whole thing finally breaks, I work through the moment, and the elephant is removed from my chest. My focus comes back and I suddenly find myself saying what was that!?

THAT was not remembering Romans 12:12. That's exactly what that was. Last night I did a lot of journaling and kept asking God to please show me what to do, how to feel, where to step. I woke with Him reminding me that He already has done that. This morning I came across Romans 12:12 and it hit me squarely....these three things I don't do well or regularly. I can break each down and say oh I do that...but not like I should. I talk to God often, but prayer in its true form (which is for another writing) I don't do often. I am joyful in hope but not through every single circumstance. And I'm certainly not patient in affliction, the last few weeks are proof of that.

Each time something not so fun comes across my path, it's a test of Romans 12:12. A test to see if my heart and my words really do match. I long to be more godly yet when I'm tested I am often more Carla. So maybe instead of lamenting when the bad comes, when the test begins I should pause and remember why I'm being tested. Afterall, I'm the one that prayed "God use me", I'm the one that prayed "make me more like You", I'm the one that prayed "help me remain focused on You in all circumstances". Yes those are truly my hearts desire so those are the areas I will be tested in. Each test, regardless of passing or not, brings me closer to God. Each test shines light into my world and helps me see more clearly.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (Romans 12:12).

Character

The other day I was talking on the phone and used the phrase "she has really good character", apparently Erica was listening to my conversation because later she asked me "what is character?" My mind, which is usually racing, screeches to a halt and I had no clue how to explain it to her. When I talk to someone about character, I just assume they know the definition, but what if I'm wrong, what if they are wondering just like Erica, only don't say anything.

We like to say we're a good judge of character, we like to say we have good character. It's easy to point out bad character that's glaring, such as someone that steals. But what about someone that tells you that you look nice yet thinks you don't, or someone that goes to church on Sunday and then slanders his boss all week long under the guise of "just water cooler talk", or what about the parent that says to the child "how can you be that stupid?" What about the guy you go on a date with that refuses to pay for your meal because he wants to make sure you're not going to try and rake him over the coals later? And the lady at work that says it's ok to take the stapler, they have plenty because it's corporate America; the man who works his way up the ladder all while stepping on people to get there.

Character...I told Erica, "well, it's how we can tell if it's someone we can trust, are they who they say they are" to which she says "and if they're not, we shouldn't be their friend". Ah, if only it were that easy, that cut and dry. Or is it?

When I look back on my life I can see weakness in my character, some because I didn't know better, some because I did. I had moments of knowing the truth, yet not speaking it. I had moments of knowing the right decision yet not choosing it. I also had moments of wanting more than I needed and giving in to my desire. Character.

Honesty. Respect. Loyalty. Integrity. Are you who you say you are? Can you be trusted, do you show respect, are you loyal? Do you have integrity? Are you who you want to be? Character.

I have put a lot of work into the person I am today, it's been a very long and slow process. I am still so far from where I long to be, yet if I died today I would be honored to stand before God, my creator. There was a time in my life that would have been different. Will you be honored or will you be embarrassed?

I wrote this in my journal a long time ago, "People that have good character, they work at it. They are conscience of it. They are deliberate with their words, their actions, and their promises. They aren't worried about winning you for the moment, they are worried about influencing you for life. People with good character aren't perfect, they are merely seeking a better way." and followed it with I want this.


Character....become who your heart whispers you really are.

Today's List

I can't believe the summer is over and fall is around the corner! I also can't believe I'm living out my dream, that dream that I've had longer than I dare recall because to me it was just that, a dream. Today it is reality. I am a stay at home mom, working full time from my home; I am a writer, a speaker, a vessel. When I was finishing up my degree at Indiana Wesleyan, more than one professor told me "don't get hung up on titles" and it is only now that I'm truly beginning to understand what that means.

It's Thursday, my day to devote to the ministry. Today I need to work on letters to be sent out, update the database, send thank you cards, work on the book, and do some research. That is MY plan, what any Christ follower will tell you though is the best way to make God laugh is to make a plan. So, I have all those things on the To Do List, yet I sit here drinking my coffee and listening to it rain outside and have paused to invite the Holy Spirit to be a part of my day.

So, when I reflect tonight on the days events will it consist only of the things on my list? I know better. I also know it'll consist of things added that brought moments of simple fun, moments of deep thought, and moments of peace. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, but what joy it brings to be certain He shows up, to be certain He provides, and to be certain He says don't worry about tomorrow, I've got it covered.

Hard Hearts

I use to trust everyone, then I trusted no one. I use to let everyone in, then I let no one in. The bible says that God so loved the world He gave his one and only son. He gave...did you catch that? God experienced the ultimate betrayal, if anyone has a right to feel jaded it's surely God yet what did He do? He gave the most valuable thing He had to us, the most unworthy recipient. When I read those words I stop and wonder why, why did He do that? Why didn't He sigh and give up, why didn't He start over? Why does He loves us that much, that unconditional? And then in the whispers of my heart I hear how could I not?

My heart has been hardened for a long time, sure it doesn't always look that way, but it is. My heart has been pierced many times, wounds that were complied by more wounds. So, I built a wall. A wall to keep pain out, but I in the process I locked myself in. Sure you're outside where you can't hurt me, but I'm inside where I can't feel. When you're enclosed by walls, when you can't get hurt because you refuse to give, the void inside you never goes away; the pain is always there and you forget how to give simply because it's what you were made to do. Giving is the essence of our purpose for it's out of giving God saved His children. Giving and hard hearts do not go together.

I've been asked by God to do something, I've been fighting it for awhile now. I had many excuses as to why I couldn't, why I had to wait, why it shouldn't be me. I've also had moments of honesty and admitted I was afraid, I was jaded, I was not willing. Yesterday I finally said out loud "I give up, I'm done. I can't do any of this anymore. I'm out." Today I woke up to hear Him saying "but I gave, but I took the walls down, but I chased you first."

I don't want to have a hard heart. I don't want to live by fear. I don't want to disobey. And I surely don't want to live behind these walls any more. Laying them down seems wrong, laying them down seems destined to be wounded. Laying them down seems extremely risky. Laying them down requires the very depth of faith.

I cannot love God yet refuse to love others. I cannot ask to be used, yet hide behind my wall. I cannot risk in some areas, yet refrain in others. And I surely cannot believe yet refuse to obey. So today, today I will learn to love outside the walls, I will learn to trust outside the walls, and I will learn to risk it all outside the walls. Today I will not walk with a hard heart but rather a heart that gave simply because how could I not for it was given to me first.

The worst

Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst. (1Timothy 1:15) The worst, those were Paul's words; Paul, a man that worte a LOT of the new testament, a man that literally saw the light, a man that spread the word of God unlike any man after him. He was the worst sinner. Well, I guess you could say he was because Paul killed Christians, that was his job, kill em. If Jesus were picking teams for the upcoming game, surely he'd allow Paul to go on the other team; but he didn't. Jesus stopped Paul as he walking down the street, reached out to him and said I love you, please join my team.

In school I was never, ever picked first. Or second. Or even third. Unless it was my best friend doing the picking and then she only picked me because she knew she had too. I wasn't the last, but I surely wasn't the first. I wasn't ever made to feel special, strong, smart, or needed. I was just there.

Today people will describe me as confident, full of life, an extrovert. They will tell you I'm loving, guarded, and full of passion. They will also tell you I am deeply in love with Jesus. Someone asked me once if I always had these traits, I laughed and said absolutely not. I'm not who I was, as the song goes, and yet that girl from high school, she's still in there. Paul did not forget who he was, neither will I.

At the end of last school year, Kaitlyn had to try out for cheerleading again. She had such confidence, such belief in herself. I asked her where that came from and she said "you" in that tone of why are you asking such a stupid question. Kaity has qualities I only found into my 30's. I've taught her to believe in herself, but I'm not the reason she's the young woman she is. God speaks to her heart, reminds her that He loves her, Kaity sees herself as the beauty she is and she BELIEVES it.

I am confident...most of the time. I am all of those qualities I mentioned...most of the time. But there are times, that can last for weeks honestly, all of the old ones come back. I start thinking about things I should have done, could have done, wanted to do. Things I knew better than doing, caved to, and moments I let slip away. I even look back to high school and think "why didn't I speak up, try harder, risk more?" And then...Jesus shows up, meets me on the road, to show me today's light. This morning, Erica was sitting at the counter eating while I was making her lunch and she said "you're the bestest Mom, I'm so happy to be with you"....ah, reality. Truth. Light.

We are all sinners, we all suck on a daily basis...some days are worse than others. We were all created by God, for God, to be with God. Sucky moments and all. I could have done a lot of things, but I didn't. Paul could have chosen to take a different career path, but he didn't. Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst. (1Timothy 1:15) I BELIEVE that.

Single

I was raised to be a very independent woman, one that can handle herself and not depend on anyone especially a man. "At the end of the day you're all you got Carla"; a phrase I heard often as a child. Today I have to remind myself that I rely on God not me. Today I'm trying to find balance between being independent and saying I need you.

As a single mom there are a lot of things that I must do alone, endure alone. When you're married and you find a dead mouse you can go get your husband to remove it; today as I moved the trash can to curb I uncovered a dead mouse. "Just great" was the thought that went through my head and then "today would be a great day for you to send me a husband" followed....then I just sighed and kicked into the bush as a chill went down my back.

As independent as I am, there is still this part of me that's very traditional, very much wants to depend on a man. Cleaning the garage and doing yard work would fall under that "I need you" part. I'm not suppose to be cleaning the garage, seeing all the stupid mouse poop everywhere. I'm not suppose to be trying to cut down limbs and weed against the fence without actually touching the fence. Yet, that's what is on the list for today and then finish up on Saturday. Sure I could call people and say would you come help me but I'd rather have that husband that just does it cause it needs to be done. That husband that works alongside me and then at the end of the day we sit outside and marvel over all we've gotten accomplished.

I am independent, but I need you. I am fully capable of doing it on my own, but I'll enjoy doing it alongside you. I won't ask for help, but I'll gladly welcome you're hands around mine to open the pickle jar. Independence is good, it's healthy. But at the end of the day I don't want to just have me and frankly God doesn't either...after all the story goes "Adam AND Eve..."

But today, today I am single. Today I will roar my woman who needs no one battle cry and today I will clean up that stupid garage, then sit on the deck and pray I don't have to do it again. And that's ALL ok.

Till next time...

Exposed

After Adam and Eve ate the apple the very next sentence in the bible is "and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness" (Gen 3:5). Today I had an interesting conversation with a friend who struggles with body image, much in the same way I do just for different reasons. We both however have realized that when we lose weight we suddenly feel exposed, "naked" really.

I went to the store shortly after this encounter and it seemed as if everyone was looking at me, staring at my body, all eyes were where they should not be. I walked through the store but wanted to run, I smiled politely but wanted to scream stop looking at me! By the time I got home I was emotionally exhausted.

There is something deep inside every woman that will never leave, no matter what she does...a feeling of exposure. We hide behind weight, muscle, relationships, aloneness, books, travel, jobs, children, church...I could keep going. Eve hid behind a fig leaf and then when God came into the garden she hid behind a bush. Eve hid because she suddenly felt exposed which brought shame and guilt. And we, my girlfriends, are no different than Eve.

I'm beginning to think our fear of exposure will never go away, it's part of living this side of heaven therefore instead of ignoring it or fighting it (cause for me at least neither are working very well) we should look at plan C...surrendering it. This is a prayer I've only half prayed to God because to be totally honest I'm not ready to face it head on. My body is the last of a particular healing season I need to address and frankly I know it'll be hard and I just don't want to. I attempt to "get healthy" in many ways only to cave and withdraw back into what brings me comfort..a few extra pounds (my fig leaf).

Surrender is hard. Surrender is scary. Surrender is necessary. Lord, please give me the courage needed to surrender my fig leaf to you, to risk the feeling of being exposed, to lay down my methods of maintaining control. I want to. I'm just afraid, I've had it for so long. Protect me from myself and help me feel the way You feel.

Distraction

The other day I started to clean my bedroom, it shouldn't take long..that was my thinking...two days later I was still cleaning. Why? Because I kept getting distracted. I'd find something that belonged someplace else, say the bathroom, so I'd walk into the bathroom and then see it needed cleaned so I'd start cleaning the bathroom, forgetting I needed to return to my bedroom. On and on this went and by the end of the first day my house was a disaster because I'd started projects in literally every room. Distraction.

Today is my day to devote to the ministry. Time to write, work on letters that need to go out, and a whole host of other items. I've decided to devote Tuesday's to the ministry, I'm trying to get a schedule figured out, and yet I found myself distracted with other things around me. The yard isn't finished (she needs a LOT of work though), dishes need done, laundry needs put away, and I've yet to get to the trail. My mind keeps wandering too. Distraction.

I have bipolar and some of my distraction simply comes from that, yet some of it is just life (we all struggle with distraction to some degree). Yet both of those are merely excuses to hide behind. We forget something only because we didn't take the time to allow it to become important to us (do we ever forget when the Colts play?); we get distracted only because we haven't learned how to focus our minds, center our souls. We haven't learned to say no to ourselves.

My challenge for the day, saying no to myself and yes to my list. Sticking to the task I'm on till it's done, fully being present in the moment I'm in, and giving my complete attention till the next moment comes. Let the challenge begin...

Till next time....

To enter...

Outside the fence, that's where you are. We talk, we laugh, but still you remain outside the fence. It is right, just not easy.

Surely you see behind me, the friends walking around inside the gate. Surely you see the love in my eyes, know that I am able to give it, just not willing in the way you call.

The castle is large, there is room inside. People will enter, few will remain. For where there is a front gate, a back gate beckons. The walls are cracked, willing an entrance.

Will you enter? Will you remain? Outside the fence you look with questions in your eyes, I hear you. I see you. I will not look away.

Remember the fence is protection, not an invitation. The castle is a heart, not a destination. I love you, just across the fence because today that is what is right, not what is easy.

till next time...

whispered prayers

Today I am home with a sick 7 year old, my heart broke for her all through the night as I watched her little body get sick over and over. She would fall into me, completely exhausted from the moment, knowing another was around the corner. I looked into her eyes, as she lay in my bed, and whispered prayers to God the Healer over and over.

When I shared with the kids the loss of my job and starting this ministry, Tyler asked "what should we be praying about Mom" to which Erica piped up and said "I want to pray that you can stay home so I can ride the bus home." We all laughed, but I told her to pray for that if that's what is on her heart. Yesterday was her first day of riding the bus home...ever. The bounce in her step was adorable and as I watched her walking up the driveway I noticed there was a bounce in my step as well. I whispered prayers to God the provider as I embraced her hug and saw the joy in her face.

Tonight is small group, it's truly an honor to sit among these women, to be welcomed into their hearts, their thoughts, their journey. I learn so much from them. As I prepare for the nights lesson, as I prepare for whatever it is God would like to do tonight, I whisper prayers to God the Counselor.

It would behoove us all to learn all the names to which God refers to himself...maybe it'll make talking to Him less intimidating and hearing Him less complicated.

Till next time...

What a summer...

My kids have gone back to school officially today and I am left to reflect on the summer, it's been a whirlwind to say the least.

The summer started with me being fired for the first time ever and starting a new ministry all in the same week; I should have known that was going to set the pace for the summer. One week later I went on a five day, nearly 2000 mile, vacation with my "Charlie Brown" and laughed till I thought my stomach would permanently cramp. That trip was about sheer fun and fun we had. He's truly a friend to me and I'll forever be grateful for the memories we created over those five days.

Tyler and Kaitlyn went to New York with their grandparents, Tyler went to his first high school church camp, Kaitlyn had a full time job babysitting, all three spent a week with my mom at the lake, Erica went to Ohio for a week (first time she's been away from me for that long)and all in all my kids were gone more than they were home this summer. I'm grateful for cell phones, texting, and being able to send pics to one another.

I've gotten to see six or seven country bands this summer, grown very close with "nest", traveled to Put n Bay, took in a drag race, spent time at the lake with my kids, hung out with family, slept in, started running again, wrestled with God, battled Satan, started working part time for my church, and not only spoke at churches but have clearly seen the hand of God in Vulnerability Ministries. God has shown up out loud and outrageous...an answer to prayer.

I think we as Christians assume that in order to truly follow Christ we're only going to have hardship, we're only going to struggle, and we're going to feel the full weight of "carrying our cross". We couldn't be further from the heart of God...I shared a recap of my summer not so you can say "good for you", I share because I want people to see that God not only calls us to do things that may seem impossible (uh starting a ministry full time while still needing to feed three kids seems pretty impossible to me), but He calls us to live abundantly. This summer is proof of that, but this summer has also had its share of tears, heartache, and doubt. I've had many nights that I slept only a few hours, many conversations with friends about what to do next, and I've sat in my home alone more nights than I care to admit crying because I'm scared to death of what God's calling me to do.

Today as I reflect on the summer and all that has happened it's so clear to me, God is both...He calls us to push beyond the comfortable AND He reigns blessings all over us. Yes I'm starting a ministry, yes I'm unsure how the bills will be paid and yes I'm positive God is saying I'll take care of it, please enjoy this life I'm giving you.

Take time to reflect on your summer so you can say "ah, I SEE God right there, in that moment too!"

Till next time...

A day of rest

A few years ago I learned what the Sabbath really is, what it was meant for, and I started putting it into practice. I talked with the kids, announcing that Sunday's is our day off. There will be no cooking, cleaning, or anything that is deemed work; we will instead enjoy ourselves, rest, and just be. The other day I realized I've let us get away from that, it's been a long time to be honest.

I've been focusing the past several days on ways I can instill boundaries that will keep me from running empty and the Sabbath Day has been at the forefront of that thinking. I don't think God cares which day it is, that's why He didn't call it The Sunday, He called it the Sabbath Day. He's saying pick a day, I don't care which, but be sure and pick a day. I've gone from never having a true day of rest, to having it, back to not having it. I fully understand the value in it; don't fully understand how it works (sorta like tithing) just know it does.

So, I'm gonna spend the day today praying about which day will become our Sabbath, as a family, and put that boundary back into place. Yay!

Till next time...

What I need...

So, I've been trying for awhile now to get better about being healthy. In all areas of my life. I have started exercising and eating better. I've started being conscience about what I do to my body. The other day I went to the store and bought flavored cream for my coffee, something I've not done in nearly two months. I took my first sip this morning and literally said out loud "that's exactly what I need!"

I had breakfast yesterday with a good friend, another mentor really, and we talked about healthy boundaries. I told her I need to put some in place so I don't get depleted like I have over the last two weeks. I was emotionally spent which lead to physically spent and then mentally spent. I had nothing left to give. Breakfast with her helped bring me back, refuel me, and I left saying "that's exactly what I need!"

This morning I woke up feeling myself again. So, today I shall contemplate on how I can keep from becoming empty again, yet fully give of myself to those who need me. It's all about healthy boundaries, learning to say no, remembering to take "me" time, and above all remembering who's in charge....yes, "that's exactly what I need!"

Till next time....

My idol

I wanted to run today, I ended up walking. Just couldn't get my body going fast enough. My time was longer than normal, though I never checked my watch until I was finished. I could just feel it inside, I knew I was moving slower. There are days when my mind is the only thing moving fast; it's gonna be one of those days.

Life is spinning around me right now, different topics, different people, different emotions, all spinning at once. I fell asleep last night talking with God, I continued that conversation on the trail. As I passed different people, some I see each day, I wondered what their story was; do they feel life is spinning to fast too? I was deep in thought, listening to music, as I passed each person, smiling and giving a wave; only to return to my wandering mind. Then a song came on that said "we lift up our idols" and it all made sense.

My idol today is control. I have friends that are hurting, family that is struggling, bills to be paid, a ministry to grow, school to start, kids to get organized so they can be successful in school, a house to clean, a book to write, emails to reply, and and and and and......and at the center as Jesus that keeps whispering just be with Me. I hear Him, I answer back "I will, I promise, I've got to do this one thing first". I fear that if I don't, the bottom will fall through.

My idol has caused me to be emotionally drained and now physically worn out. And Jesus is still there, whispering my name. So, today as I walked instead of ran, I cried and asked for forgiveness. My idol, for a brief moment, was the center. I still have that stuff swirling around, because it's all real and part of life; but it's not the center of my life and none of it depends on me...none of it. God is in control of my family, I've prayed for those I love, and I trust Him to show me how to get it all accomplished in order to bring Him glory.

At the end of my walk, I paused, took a deep breath and said "thank you for loving me enough".

Till next time...

Being thankful

I've been through a lot of crap in my life, the kind that when you look back you wonder how on earth did I ever survive that and why am I so happy now? To be around me very long these days is to hear me say things like "it's good to be me", "my life totally rocks", "I love being 34", "it's gettin better all the time"! But I wasn't always that way.

I remember watching Oprah one day, years ago, and she was encouraging everyone to have a gratitude journal. I remember her saying to write five things you're thankful for each day; as I listened to her, saw her excitement, all I could think was how am I going to come up with FIVE?? Then she said, "if you're struggling with this, be thankful your breathing". If you look at my journal from that time frame, you'll see entries where I literally wrote five times I'm thankful I'm breathing. And then you'll find some entries that I couldn't even say that because I wasn't sure I was thankful for that.

Slowly, over time, those entries started to change. I was thankful for a card my kids gave me, I was thankful for the storm that passed through the night, I was thankful for coffee. It's a matter of perspective, I love my life simply because I started to focus on the joys I have, the blessings God has given me, the promise of tomorrow. Trials will forever be...and so will joy! And THAT is something to be thankful for!!

Today, I'm thankful for...

My kids all being home
A gift from a good friend
Seeing the heart of someone I love begin to thaw to the touch of God
Vulnerability Ministries
Healthy boundaries

How about you? What are you thankful for? It's ok if you start with breathing. ;)

Till next time...

the journey

I love to journal. I've done it most of my life, actually I can't remember not journaling. Today I opened my journal at random and started reading. Some of what I read made me smile; some of what I read made me cry. Journaling is the capturing of my soul in black and white, seeing my heart through my penmanship. I was reminded of how far I've come and how far I've yet to go.

I've started reading a book, not for small group, just for me. Every Woman's Battle. Three chapters into it my eyes have been opened in ways I didn't expect. I'm learning what true balance is, what true integrity is; I'm also learning I've come a long way and have a long way to go.

When Moses led the Israliets out of captivity and they came to the Red Sea, they only had two options. Go forward, into the sea which they thought they'd surely die or, go back to the land that held them captive where they'd surely die. Looking back they saw the distance they'd traveled and were reminded of how far they'd come, yet looking ahead they saw water that reminded them of how far they'd yet to go.

In this life we will never be fully where we feel we need to be; on this side of heaven we will always fall short of the target. It's so easy to get discouraged, to feel like you're just spinning your wheels. It's so easy to want to give up and go "back"...going "back" is at least something you "know". But as I was reading my journal today I was reminded of all that God has done in my life, all the times I know in my heart I felt Him, heard Him, saw Him. Going back is pointless, it already happened. Going forward, well, there's a whole lot of God up ahead waiting on me to discover! I've got a long way to go, but oh the fun we will have. I've come a long way, but oh the love I have felt.

till next time....

Remember....

Remember who you are. Remember why you are here. Remember who I am. Remember....that was the theme for me very early Friday morning. Last week was a long week for me, a struggle in many ways. I've come to recognize the pattern and expect the highs as well as the lows; no life is ever smooth sailing for long. When the storm comes, regardless of the intensity of it, I for a moment forget. I forget what Truth says, I forget what my heart says, I forget what lies ahead of me. I take my eyes off my center and focus on the outer part...that part I don't have...and the low sets in.

God is love, joy, peace, forgiveness, and grace. When I lose sight of what matters He wakes me with whispers of remember...remember..remember. THAT is unconditional love my sweet friend and it ONLY comes from the One who created us. While my eyes are focused in the wrong places, while my heart is hurting and no one can seem to make it better, while my tears are falling and I wonder if this moment will ever end, God is right beside me saying "I'm here, remember".

The lows will still come, as will the highs, and God will always be faithful in reminding me who I am, who I belong to, what truly matters. God will always help me refocus, recenter, and remember...and that goes for you too!! :)

Till next time....

abundantly

I remember having a conversation with a lady years before I became a Christian, we were talking about watching a certain movie and she said "I have no desire to watch that sort of stuff now, after becoming a Christian my heart changed and I guess I just don't find that stuff to be good any more". I remember standing there, looking her square in the eye and saying "well that sucks for you then cause it's funny stuff!". I've thought often about that conversation, her reaction and mine, her way of life and mine. That was in 2001.

I feared that if I became a Christian my life would be boring, void of fun and laughing, and I would have to give up all the stuff I currently enjoyed, like that movie. I feared God would ship me to Africa, force me to live in poverty, and I would become the very thing I didn't want to become, a bible thumper.

Today, nine years after that conversation took place, I am totally in love with God and totally enjoying my life. I'm richer than I've ever been, though if you look at my bank account you'd think otherwise. I have deeper relationships, I laugh deeper, I cry deeper, I love deeper. Nine years later I can tell you my life is anything but boring, it's certainly not void of fun and someday I will travel to Africa. I don't live in poverty (according to paper we're broke, according to God there's always enough to provide for the day)and for the record God didn't send His son to die so that we may all live in starvation. And as for the bible thumper, I'm certainly not one to shove it down your throat (it's between you and God whether or not you love Him enough to follow Him), but I can't imagine going through the day void of God.

John 10:10 Jesus said "My purpose is to die so that you may live life more abundantly" Abundantly folks, that doesn't sound like void of fun at all!! :)

The voice....

"...The voice of truth says do not be afraid, the voice of truth says this is for my glory...I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth..." Casting Crowns. I love that song. The voice that whispers in my ear, that tells me I'm not good enough, I'm not strong enough to endure, the voice that says you're wrong; that voice I've accepted will never go away. It'll always be there, but...but...I have another voice that is stirring inside me, a voice that over time is getting louder, stronger, and clearer. THAT voice is the voice of truth.

A lot of changing is going on in my life right now, it's been an interesting 2010 thus far and we're only half way through the year! Many good things are surfacing, God's light is clear and bright. I've got much to smile about. And then I hear that stupid little voice, reminding me of how far I've still got to go, of where I've come from, of what I don't have. That voice comes in the quiet of the night and noise of the day, it creeps in and reveals my fears, my longing, and my doubts.

Today I was reading an email from a my "nest" friend, I've read this email at least 5 times in the past two days. Her words are a voice of truth, her friendship to me is real. I am reminded through that email that I'm exactly where I need to be and not yet where I know God will lead me to, I'll get there but for now we are here. The voice of truth comes in like a lion and roars at me, "You are perfect in my eyes My child; you will not simply endure this, you will grow through it; this time of waiting is not to punish you but to let Me shine through you." I'm reminded of all the people in the bible who waited, who longed, and then who felt the reward of that wait in a sweetness they never even imagined.

My life is full, fantastic and still void of certain things. Today I will choose to not only listen but to BELIEVE the voice of truth.

The Great....I Am

There's something deeply freeing when you read the way God referred to himself. "Tell them I am sent you". God says I am who I am. Period. No need to give further explanation, just tell em it's me. And people say I'm blunt.

There are times in my life when I struggle to find my way, times when I question if I'm even on the right path let alone the right moment. There are times when I wonder if the fog will ever rise and I'll be able to clearly see how all this connects. Then I remember...I am sent you.

I had a wonderful weekend, filled with laughter, a few tears and moments of clearly seeing God. I promised Him a long time ago that I would call it what it is..not luck, not coincidence, not my own hard word...simply God, the I am.

I know I've got more storms ahead of me to endure. I know there will be moments when I don't clearly see God, moments when I wonder where to step next. Sometimes I feel weighted down by those thoughts, I'm great at worrying about stuff that's yet to happen. But then the Holy Spirit finds a way of reminding me, you're not in charge. You're not the center. It's not up to you make the world right. Remember the I am.

I breathe a sigh of relief this morning, I have friends trying to find their way to God (though they aren't ready to call it that and that's ok, God can handle it), I have friends who deeply love God but rarely "feel" Him (I pray that your hearts eyes see Him today) and I have friends that remind me of just how far I've yet to travel in my own journey (I am beyond grateful for you) but all of this...all of it...is ok because no pressure is on me, it's ALL on the Great I Am.

Till next time...

Beautiful

All of my kids are home. Still sleeping, we stayed out late last night and each of them have had a long week in their own ways. But right now, all is right in my home because my family is complete.

Tyler came home from CIY last night and I could see the sheer bliss in him. He talked all night about different things he learned at camp and then, I stood in the center of the room watching him talk to someone else about his week and I heard God whisper "isn't he beautiful"...

I spent most of the day with Kaitlyn yesterday. Just the two of us. We went shopping and ate lunch in mall. We talked non-stop and shared lots of laughs. I saw how her style has changed, she's no longer a little girl. Last night a friend whispered to me "wow she's beautiful"....

It was raining when we came home last night and my hair was soaked. I was tired and just wanted to crawl into my bed. Erica wanted me to tuck her in. I hadn't seen her in seven days so it was a moment of coming back into focus for me, what really matters. As I leaned in to kiss her goodnight I couldn't help but notice she looks older. She'll soon be 8 and she's quickly loosing that little girl look. Then I kissed her forehead and thanked God for this beautiful little person being all mine.

Beautiful...it's a theme for me. God is working out loud to show me what His idea of beautiful is and I'm quickly learning it has nothing to do with the way a woman looks but it has everything to do with the way God's child looks. Beauty, in God's eyes, is not meant to be feminine but rather meant to describe those things that take your breath away.

Seeing God through my children...beautiful. Walking alone on the trail and feeling God all around me...beautiful. Hearing my friends laugh till they cry...beautiful. Drinking coffee in the quiet of my home knowing I'm taken care of...beautiful. Truly and deeply loving...beautiful.

Thank you God for showing me that beautiful is not bad, beautiful is not looks and beautiful is not limited. Sweet, sweet beautiful. :)

Till next time...

Temptations

One thing I'm learning very quickly in life...temptations are not fun because making the right decision doesn't always seem like the best route when you're in the moment. But then I guess that's why it's a temptation; something to distract you from where you need to be heading.

I shouldn't be surprised by them, I should know it's coming. I should be on guard, but once again I wasn't and for a brief moment (that lasted a few hours) I was giving in and following the temptation. I'm all about having fun and well, that's always my temptation..."but it's fun"...

I don't have a lot of scriptures memorized, but God has a way of bringing to surface what I need to know and then I go look up certain topics in the bible. This morning while I was out running, God kept reminding me I will give you the strength you need...Isaiah 41:10 God says, Fear not, for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes I will hold you up and retain you with My right hand of rightness and justice.

Temptations are hard, saying no is very hard. But at the end of the day life isn't about pleasing me or you, it's about obeying God because He wants the very best for us. So, what may seem fun "in the moment" pales in comparison to the fun we'll have for ever if we simply lay down our desires and follow His.

Till next time...

Work

The last two days have been days void of creativity. I've been drained. Sunday took a lot out of me and I needed some down time I guess. But I woke this morning feeling great, went on a walk with my dear friend Connie and then had an unexpected phone call that set the tone of the day. Love unexpected phone calls like that!!

It's happening. It's all really happening. I'm writing, I'm speaking, I'm working full time in ministry...I really am. I was asked last night if I'm doing all this to work or to avoid work. I had to laugh at that because I'm sure others have wondered the same thing, but I was grateful this person respected me enough to ask instead of assume they knew the answer.

Sunday people told me it took courage to do what I'd just done...I don't look at it like that. The real courage comes when we first say out loud this is who I am..THAT is courage. What I'm doing is obeying God to the best of my ability. So, I guess to most it probably looks like I'm just being lazy and avoiding "work" but my reply last night..."I'm called into ministry, it IS work." It's just a different kind of work and let me be clear, I don't consider it work at all, I consider it an honor to be used by God, to be part of seeing others begin the journey of healing. A true humbling honor.

Till next time...

untitled...because no title will do justice....

I've been preparing for this day for 2 1/2 years. I knew the moment I stepped off the stage, January 18, 2008 I'd be back on it again for the very same reason, just wasn't sure when. Honestly I'd hoped it would be a long long time, but also hoped it would arrive soon so I could satisfy the cry in soul. It's here, tomorrow July 18, 2010 is finally here. Until two months ago I didn't know the date, but it's finally here. In some ways it feels like a long long time has passed and in some ways I'm bursting with excitement to see what happens next; however I'm also overwhelmed at what it all means.

We all have moments in time we can look back on and say that moment right there was life changing for me, but for me I've never had one that I knew I was in while it was happening, not to this degree. I'm smack dab in the middle of a life changing moment, regardless of the outcome, and I FEEL it. I wish there was a word to describe what's inside of me at this very moment, but the only one I can come up with is honored.

I often ask God for things, prayers is the Christian term I guess, but it's really just things. But I've also asked Him for out loud and outrageous moments and tomorrow...well it's about to get very out loud and very outrageous. As I write those words tears are falling down my cheeks and my heart whispers "thank you, I've been waiting".

I will share my story in the morning. On a stage. Alone. To a room filled with strangers and friends. I will talk, but God will speak. He will share His heart, His cries, His passion and His story; I am merely the vessel. It's me on that stage, it's God in that room. Tonight, the eve of the moment I've been waiting for yet God knew was coming. His timing, that's what I'm reminded of often. And right now, being smack dab in the middle of the moment I can tell you His timing it totally worth every moment of wait. Every. Single. Moment.

Till next time...

Another one to cross off....

Brooks and Dunn. A duo I've loved for a very long time and one that after this year will no longer be. There are so many things I love about getting older but there are also things about it I don't; all good things must come to an end, including Brooks and Dunn. When I heard this last year I said it didn't matter where I had to travel to see them, I would and last night...I did! And the good news is only had to travel to Noblesville (which I'd never been to before so it was a first for that too). haha

One of the things I simply adore about my life right now is I'm absolutely living it to the fullest. Moments are created, felt, and then treasured...but created first. It's taken me till my 30's to fully understand this, to figure out exactly how to do that. I thank God often that I get it now because I can tell you with all honesty, as their song goes, it's gettin better all the time!!

My bucket list got another line drawn last night thanks to good friends and good times and fantastic music! The theater was packed, filled with people of all ages...to my right was a little girl around the age of four, to my left a young woman barely 21 and in front of me a couple in their mid-sixties. Then there was me, 34 years old but feeling as if I'm just starting to live, different people all of us bonded by one thing...BROOKS AND DUNN! Can life get any cooler?

To my partners in dance last night...thanks for the fun, country music totally rocks!

Till next time....

Company Ready

Today Erica and I have been cleaning all morning and now...she's playing the Wii. Actually, she gave up cleaning long ago; I walked out of the bathroom I'd just cleaned to find her standing on the couch bowling (she says it helps her get strikes). I loath housecleaning, I truly do. Not sure why, just don't like it. It seems when I go to my friend's house theirs are clean, I mean NOTHING out of place and always company ready.

I got a text from a friend last night that said "have you moved because every time I drive by your house looks empty". I had to laugh as I text back saying I'm here, just hardly home and when I am home I'm in the back room tucked away. I guess after I clean inside I should give some TLC to the outside, because yes we do still live here and I guess the outside should be company ready to eh? haha

Company ready...the story of Mary and Martha always makes me think Martha must have not felt her house was company ready because the bible tells us that she was busy cleaning and cooking. Then you have Mary, she didn't worry about that stuff, but rather she sat with Jesus...soaking up the company. Mary knew Jesus didn't care what their house looked like, he wasn't there to inspect it. He also didn't care what they ate, he wasn't there to be fed. Mary knew Jesus was there to BE with them, to look at their hearts and feed them...1 Samuel16:7 (Amplified)...For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. Company ready...


If you stop by my house without warning chances are there's dishes in the sink, toys scattered from one end to the other and I probably have on some ratty t-shirt and shorts. You'll most likely find me on the couch, tucked behind my laptop, with a cup of coffee or bottle of water and you'll also find the front door is open so, come on in because though my house may not be company ready...I surely am company ready.

Till next time...