thanksgiving

The holidays are coming. My whole life I have had to travel over the holidays, going between my mom and my dad's house. At 32 I'm still having to travel, only now it's more complicated due to having kids of my own and divorces of my own. Requests have already started for marking my calender to attend parties and my schedule is already looking like there won't be enough days to complete everything. *Sigh* However, between Thanksgiving vs. Christmas I will share with you Thanksgiving is the hardest for me and not for reasons you may think.

Thanksgiving 2000 was the first year I didn't have my kids for the holiday, due to my divorce. They were 3 and 5 and as the day approached all I could do was cry, literally. My family knew it would be hard for me and both my mom and dad invited me to spend it with them, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to see the look of pity on their faces, the look that says "I know all too well how you feel". I didn't want to be reminded that I had done exactly what I swore as kid I wouldn't do...force my kids to experience the life I had lived. What I wanted to do was hide in my tiny apartment, hide from the world, hide from my failures. Instead, I spent the holiday with Kevin a man who, over the course of seven years, stole my heart and then shattered it into pieces. But that day, that Thanksgiving, he was exactly what I needed.

It was his first thanksgiving without kids too, so he knew right where I was. He truly felt my pain and together we got through the day. We cooked an entire thanksgiving meal and then sat on the couch and watched football all day. It was the first year in my life I felt no stress from family...my family means well, don't misunderstand me. But it is stressful bouncing back and forth between homes, feeling guilty for being at one and not the other. It is stressful listening to one talk about the other and feeling somewhat responsible for the pain that is so obvious. It is stressful feeling like it's never enough--you're never there long enough or often enough. Holidays suck for children of divorce.

To this day that Thanksgiving was the most relaxed thanksgiving I've had...ever. I missed my kids, trust me. I had moments of sadness come over me, but I also knew I'd see them in the morning and that we would have our thanksgiving then. That day, that true Thanksgiving Day, I felt calm and accepted. I felt I was enough.

Thanksgiving, 2008 is in just a few short weeks. This year isn't my turn to have the kids, I will get them the next morning. My family still invites me to be with them, knowing how hard it is to be away from your kids on a day talking about giving thanks, but just as so long ago I'm not sure where I want to be that day.

Eight years later I no longer speak to Kevin. I haven't seen him in a very long time. I have no idea how he is or if he's any better than the day things ended. Eight years and thousands of tears later I have moved on from that season of my life, but find myself asking what will this thanksgiving bring?

A lot has changed in eight years. I have come from darkness and stand now in light. I have felt no sense of belonging and now know that I have true purpose. Eight years later I have found me, apart from any man but completely within the Son of Man. I don't know what I will do this year on Thanksgiving Day, my options are plenty. I do know I will be reflecting on the past and saying over and over how thankful I am for the life I have lived and will live. Eight years later I much to be thankful for, even if we deal with the pain of divorce.