all of Him

I haven't been on here to write in several days, well that's kinda true. I've been on here and started only to stop and log off. When I started this blog the conversation between God and I went something like this...ok, I'll do it but I will only write when the words come from you, when they flow and I know at the end it's peace between you and I. So, I get on here and start to write but just feel uneasy. For a time I thought that meant God was saying to me, 'not yet.' However, I've come to realize that uneasy feeling isn't so much a lack of God's direction as it's my own every day life getting in the way.

The other day I had counseling and we ended up talking about the fact I've been on the verge of a panic attack for nearly two weeks. I'm just completely stressed out. We talked for several minutes about what exactly has me so stressed and I ended up saying out loud I am still unsure if I can trust God to take care of me. The tears streamed down my face at the sound of those words. I said it out loud. I couldn't believe it. I felt total shame. My counselor said "congratulations, you're still human" with a smile on his face. I of all people should know that God takes care of us. I can give you story after story of being clearly taken care of by no one other than God. My life is filled with evidence of God's love and grace and commitment. And in that room I said out loud can I really still trust Him to take care of me, to not simply get me going only to leave me hanging. We talked through all of this and I must say I felt so much relief in just being able to share my worries. My counselor gave me scriptures to look up that talk specifically about anxiety and God's trustworthiness. I left feeling so much better.

That night I got a call from my ex-husband telling me he has lost his job. Do you see how God works? If I had not had that conversation with my counselor earlier that day and remembering I felt a panic attack right around the corner, the news of the job loss would have surely sent me over the edge. God prepared my heart, reaffirmed in me that yes I can trust Him knowing full well this news would be coming to me.

Then in church on Sunday our sermon was about having conversations with God. The illustration used was a jar of water and when asked what it was we were finally told, after much guessing, that "it's Lake James". To clarify the pastor explained that although it's not all of Lake James, the water inside is ALL Lake James. Do you see the difference? Then when you think about the Holy Spirit taking residence inside us we are carrying all God, just not all of God...cause we'd probably explode! LOL

Apart from God I really can't endure the trials I'm going through right now. I knew this. I did. But somewhere among all my busyness, I forgot. It can get confusing when you talk about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Honestly I don't think they sit up there getting all bent out of shape over one getting more attention than the other; however, I do think we need to remember they are all three available to us and in us. The spirit inside of me is ALL God. So, this morning I sit here reminding myself to take a deep breath, slow down, and remember that although times are stressful and I can't imagine how I'll make it through the next six months God is in me and He alone will do it for me!! Whew!

Till next time...