The last day

God and I have been fighting, still. Well I think we're starting to fight less lately and now we've moved to that stage of the marriage where an agreement hasn't been made, no party has said "ok", so we're just sitting here letting it all soak in. Ok, I'm sitting here letting it all soak in, He's just waiting patiently on me.

I know it makes some people uncomfortable when I talk about fighting with God, arguing with God. I've even read a book that said it's a sin to argue with God. Honestly I don't really care if what I do bothers others, what I care about is having the deepest relationship possible with God and for me that involves a hashing out of some things every now and then....it means I need to be gut level honest with Him because after all He already knows I'm angry right? Be honest. Be who you are. Just. Be. Honest.

Today is the last day of the year, a symbol of an ending and a hope of a beginning. I've thought a lot this week about what I want the next year to bring and I've camped on the word clarity. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, in many areas. Clarity in all of them would be wonderful but that's no longer the clarity I'm aiming for. This next year I want more clarity in who God is, more clarity in how He sees me. This next year I want more clarity in God's plans so that when trouble comes I will not waiver and even in the moments of tear stained eyes I will say God is good.

John 16:33 Jesus says, "Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcame the world." When these words were spoken He'd yet to die and rise again so in reality He hadn't overcame the world, but He knew without any doubt He would therefore He said I HAVE overcame the world.

As this year comes to an end and we go into 2011 with anticipation of what's to come remember His words, trials and sorrows WILL come...but as long as we keep Christ at the center of our life, as long as we cling to the cross and what it stands for, we will not be overtaken by the waves of uncertainty and fear of the unknown. For we have a savior who confidently says let me lead you, let me show you, let me love you for I HAVE OVERCAME THE WORLD.

Standing Strong

I heard Pastor Bill say one time regarding storms, if you're not in one, one is coming...there is deep truth to those words. I've learned over the years to embrace the moments I'm not in one because I know all to well that one is coming and it seems that as my devotion to God deepens, those storms grow in intensity. Something I do not like at all.

Galatians 6:9 says And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint. Something I came across today and I must admit it's at the perfect time cause I truly feel I could faint (or turn and walk away) right now from every single thing going on. I want to run. I want to move. I want to just leave and start fresh. But that's not why God created me.

Seven months ago God laid Vulnerability Ministries on my heart and with clear instructions. For a moment life was awesome, the calm before the storm I suppose. And now, well now we're in the thick of it friends and I can't seem to wave my white flag fast enough...then I read that scripture. Loosen and relax our courage, lose heart and grow weary...that pretty much sums it up lately. But that's not why God gave this ministry to me.

Right now I have absolutely no idea how anything in my life is going to work out. I feel total confusion and I'm afraid. But I will not give in, I will not live life based on feelings and I will not lose heart (doubt what I know I'm to do), grow weary and faint (turn and run) and I most certainly will not relax my courage (fold under pressure). The waves keep coming but I will stand strong because I know my God created me and I know this storm shall pass and He will carry me through.

God created each of us for something far bigger than any storm we are facing, stand strong my friends and remember who you are.

My book

So as most of my close friends know I'm working on a book...truth be told I've been "working" on it for a very long time, but only in the past six months has it grown to be a short term goal. Writing is my heart, it's something that soothes me in a way unlike anything else I know. Writing is truly a way God uses me...this I am sure of. The thought of writing for eyes that I do not know to see, the thought of truly sharing this writing with everyone, well that's enough to makes the hives come out.

For the past several months God has been calling on me to step out from behind my wall of safety. I thought it meant one thing and I'm now learning it means many things. My wall of safety is what has kept me single for nearly seven years (minus 11 months that I've "dated"). My wall of safety is why I haven't finished the book. My wall of safety has been good, necessary; but now it's apparently time for me to come from behind it, my next step if you will.

God does not give us gifts to be kept to ourselves; God does not allow us to learn lessons to not share with others. My writing is a gift from God and my life experiences are what I draw upon to help those who's path I cross. The two go hand in hand and it's time.

In two weeks I will have three weeks off school. I'm asking for your prayers leading up to those two weeks and during my time off that I may be able to focus on writing, that I get out of the way enough for God to speak, and that the light at the end of this "book tunnel" becomes brighter. The Bible is clear in saying God does not give us a spirit of fear and lately fear has been making a lot of my decisions, including my writing this book. Please join me in praying against that fear and asking the Holy Spirit to swell larger than my fear so I can do this task that has so clearly been laid on my heart to do.

Thanks to each of you, my friends, who support me and encourage me. Thank you for being my iron so that I may become all that God created me to be. Here's to faith, words, and a whole lot of love...

Faithful Friends

I have been battling a storm lately that is unlike any storm I could prepare for and oddly enough for nearly a week I heard the word prepare continuously. I'm not sure I like that word any more. We pray to God, asking Him to help us and when He does by whispering words to us we turn and say don't help like that, help by just taking it away! If only it were that easy, yet if I'm honest I'm not sure I want Him to "just take it away" for it's through the storms in my life I've grown the most, learned the most. It's also through those storms I've developed deeper relationships.

My current storm is one of multiple levels and varying degrees and honestly it's taking it's toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm tired. I'm fighting a cold. My mind is racing all the time. But in the midst of all of this my friends have gone to a deeper level with me, praying on my behalf, crying with me, helping me figure out what the next step needs to be. I have seen God work through the people in my life in amazing ways and I must say it's been a privilege to not only watch but to feel.

I have a very deep relationship with Christ, I'm grounded in my faith and I know without a doubt I am loved by God; I also still have moments of struggling with does He still love me, will He get us through this, is He truly a good God all the time. I struggle with wondering if He's left us, wondering if we'll endure this and come out better, wondering if I have done something wrong. Lately my faith has been tested in ways it's never been tested before...and then God raised my faith through my friends...just like Job.

My friends remind me of truth and they remind me I am not alone in this journey. My friends are God on Earth.

Do I wish this particular storm hadn't come? Yes. Am I grateful for what's brought? Yes. I am fully aware we aren't out of this one yet and I'm fully aware we will endure more as the years pass but what this one in particular has taught me is God has been faithful in bringing people into my life through which He works to reassure me He has not left me, He does truly love me, and He will see us through this so we come out better. God is truly good all the time...even when we can only feel tears running down our face, God is good.