fences

I titled this blog vulnerability for one reason, it's the one word in our language that frightens me more than any other word. Even more than failure. I gave it that title because it's a word I need to overcome, a word I need to find peace in. My goal, my prayer, is that I will find healing in being vulnerable enough to write; understanding not everyone will like my words or even respect them. The truth is though, it's not really about my writing, I'm seeking the ability to be vulnerable in my friendships with those I love and I'm seeking to know how to instill healthy boundaries with everyone, even those I love.

Growing up boundaries wasn't a word used in my house. Nor was failure or vulnerability. Success, strong, endure...those are words I know. The concept of healthy boundaries was totally foreign to me and truthfully a concept I ignored for many years. God has a way of getting our attention though. I was stripped of my life as I knew and left empty handed, literally. The words I knew and depended on, success and strong and endure were words I couldn't even remember how to say because I was on the other side of the fence. But in that time I was still a Christian and through His love I began to climb the fence first standing upright on it, balancing if you will because I was unsure if I really wanted to be on the other side. The whole time God just kept talking to me, whispering, calling my name over and over. He was patient with me, gentle with me, but the whole time never letting me sit back down on the fence so I could put my feet one on each side. Soon it became too much to balance on the fence and I cried louder than I've ever cried, begging him to just pick me up...make the decision for me or let me go back to where I was. Where I was might have been painful, but I knew it. I understood it. All the while He was patient with me, gentle with me, but the whole time whispering my name. Finally I fell to the other side of the fence, the fall was unbearable. And then...I felt His arms around my whole body. All the time He was whispering my name.

What I've learned from that fence moment was that I had to be vulnerable enough to stand and then to fall. I had to trust Him. Many times I've tested God and EVERY time He's caught me. I've also learned that mankind is not the same. Many times I've tested and MANY times I've been let down. With God vulnerability is actually safe and trusting God is actually amazing. With people it gets a little complicated and that's where boundaries comes in. Fence walking is painful and scary, but being vulnerable to let God bring you to the other side of the fence...that is strong and success and true endurance.