My son

Today my son told me that he scored the highest math score in the 8th grade class for the NWEA testing!! My kid! I know...gasp! I look at this boy in true amazement that he has turned out to be the person he is because well, I was less than ready to be his mom.

At the age of 18 I discovered I was pregnant. One month after I started college. Nine months later, one month after I turned 19, he was born. I remember when the nurse handed him to me I just looked at him, waiting for that overwhelming feeling of love to pour out of me that everyone said happened. It didn't. I cried instead. I had no clue how to be his mom. Life as I knew it was gone and a new life was plunked in my lap and I was told "good luck". Good luck? Seriously? He came with no directions and that was not good for a person like me. He would cry for no reason, puke for no reason, and laugh for no reason. He had me completely baffled. I was more scared than I'd ever been and wished every night I could change that one act, that one moment in my life back. But day after day he and I learned how to blend and I learned to be comfortable with the title Mom; but I made one gigantic mistake after another.

In his short 13 years on this earth my son has endured the addition of two sisters, two marriages and then two divorces, the addition of step siblings and then the deletion of step siblings, nine moves and several broken up relationships with very unhealthy men. Yet today my son scored the highest score in math, tells me his favorite subject in school is a tie between math, science and history, rubs my back every time I ask, can carry an intelligent conversation about events going on around the world, and brings me countless compliments from people who know him. Everyone loves him. My son!

For many, many years I insisted he had to be perfect because I feared if he wasn't people would be quick to declare me an unfit mother. I have matured in that thinking, somewhat. I'm still working on that. It's hard for me to let my kids make mistakes and not see it as a reflection on me. But having a relationship with God does things to your view of people, it softens you in ways you never imagined. Two years ago my son asked me to pray with him to ask Jesus to forgive his sins and to live in his heart. ME!!! He didn't want our youth pastor who lived down the street from us, he wanted me. Then last summer he was baptized during our church picnic and when asked why he wanted to do it he said "because I saw the change God has had on my mom and on our life."

Apparently my mistakes aren't too big to keep God out of our hearts. I've often wondered why God allowed me to be a mom and I'm beginning to see why...it's not about me at all. God needs my son and my girls as a part of His plan and I'm just the vehicle used to bring them here. I can't begin to tell you how honored that makes me feel.


:)