Jobs jobs jobs

When I was a little girl I wanted to be a veterinarian, until we took the cat to the vet and I had to listen to her cry. Then I wanted to be a lawyer and my family told me there were to be no lawyers in our family because they are all crooked. I wanted to be a dolphin trainer but didn't think I could due to the fact we don't live near Sea World. Psychology and writing have always been my passion, but by the time I reached high school I was completely confused on what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I'm all grown up now and I have wore many many hats all because I was just trying to find which one fit ME. Who am I? I thought that what I did, my job title, defined who I was. Every new job I had I fell in love with and would say, this is it! This is the job for me! And then for one reason or another that job would end and I'd start the process with another company and usually another field. I haven't worked a full time job for over a year now. I am learning to find amusement in telling people that and watching their reactions. Most people say "must be nice" and my response is always the same...It's been the hardest blessing I've ever endured. Hard because of the lessons I've learned over the last year. Blessed because of the lessons I've learned over the last year.

When for so long your identity is wrapped up in what you do and you suddenly have literally nothing to do, you're faced head on with the question that haunts all of us in our quiet moments...who am I and does it even matter?

It was about this time last year that I laid on the bathroom floor and gave up fighting. I no longer wanted to "keep it together", pretend I was ok, or fight for my next hour. I no longer wanted to feel. Anything. So I crumbled on the floor, cried for hours, and finally said to God "Either take all of me or leave me alone because I don't want any part of me." It was as if God said to me "Finally...I've been waiting." And then I began to see...

Over time I have begun to realize that I was completely wrong in my thinking. What I do is merely that...what I do. Who I am, well that's different. Who I am is an imperfect Christian Mom. I am a woman who loves deeply, thinks deeply, and fights for what I believe in. I am strong in heart and soft in hand. Who I am is complex and beautiful. I had all those job titles and I was good at each of them because of who I am, not because of the job. For a time I was embarrassed by the twisting path I've taken, but I'm over that now. I have let go of others definitions of who I am to be and I have in a figurative sense not gotten up off the bathroom floor. God has me. All of me. Because I truly still don't want any part of me...I have proven that when left to my own hands, well it's not pretty. But when left in God's hands, beauty comes in ways I never dreamed.

Yesterday I was a sub for a local high school for the first time ever. Yes, another new path. The difference between this path today and the path of the previous years...I sought God's desire with all that I have in me and then I went where I was lead. It's not about pleasing any person, or boasting about any title. I sat in that class room talking with the students about their life, their dreams not because I wanted to be a teacher when I was a kid but because it's a door He opened and I walked through it regardless of the thoughts of those around me.

I know that not everyone can take a year off work. Not everyone can simply quit their job. But EVERYONE can seek who they are outside of what they do. Your path doesn't have to be the same as mine in order to discover why God made you the way you are. Your path is designed just for you...learning who you are will be the hardest blessing you'll endure...my prayer is that you have the courage to do it.

Till next time...