you are enough

I love you just for who you are. Those are words I long to hear. Words that haunt me. Words that God seems to whisper to me and I respond surely not me. I chased after someone to love me for most of my life. My heart asking " Am I enough?" They said yes, and then they hurt me. Hurt comes in all forms, not just brusies you can see. Why is it so easy to believe hurt that is hurled at us, but we find it so hard to believe good that is lavished upon us? If God was mean to me maybe I'd be quicker to believe him...how sad is that? And where did this come from? Feeling not good enough. I used to think it was just me and my crazy thinking, but over time I've talk to enough women to realize most all of us struggle with this notion. Actually I think men do to, why else do they feel the need to be the best?

I am a single mom. I left. Many nights I remind myself that I did this, I caused this pain on my children. I beat myself up more than any man ever could. How will I ever be able to trust my heart again? How will I ever be able to believe God truly loves me just as I am? I am a mess. And how will any man ever ever think I am enough for him?

The other day I sat on my bed, closed my eyes, and said nothing. I just sat there. I slowly began to rock back and forth as if someone had their arm around me gently swaying with me. And then I realized that God loves me in my heart, my heart. Not my head. My head is full of mess, doubts, fears. My head is full of racing thoughts and numbing memories. But my heart, in my heart I long to simply love God, feel God, be with God. In my heart I love my children deeper than there are stars in the sky, I feel passionately for those who are recovering from addicitions and habits and I deeply love others. In my heart I carry the Son.

I love you in your heart...that's why you are enough.

And that's what grace is. Grace says you my child are enough for me. Grace says I see the things you do wrong, I hear the words you use, the patience you lack and I accept you just as you are. Grace says my child why are you trying so hard when all you have to do is let me carry you?

I guess I have to learn that I am enough for God before I can ever feel I am enough for you.