A distance

I have had countless dates, several relationships and two failed marriages. I have been deeply in love and I have felt nothing beyond lust. I have cried myself to sleep and laughed so hard my stomach muscles hurt. I have lost myself in some and found myself in others. And now...I keep an arms length distance.

Love is a tricky thing that sometimes I wish I didn't long for. Love is also the best feeling I've ever experienced and expressed. Love makes us better people. There is a famous phrase used to talk about love that many don't realize comes from the Bible but more than that I didn't realize exactly what it meant until recently...

1 Corinthians 13:4-7: Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I've heard those words countless times over the years. I've read them from the Bible countless times and found myself thinking this is how I will know if he loves me and if I love him, this will show me. But in these verses "Love" is meant to mean God. God IS love. Only God can give us all of these things, only God can keep no record of wrong, not be jealous or rude. Only God never gives up. God working through us...that is what will make those words come alive.

A fear that I have is my heart will get to hardened and no one will ever get in. A greater fear drives that one...what if I choose the wrong one again? But then I read those words, I remember how deeply I love God and God loves me, I look at the people in my life that love me and help me do life, and I remember I am not who I was.

I keep an arms length because no one has fought to get beyond that point. I want to be chased, pursued, wanted. I want to be respected, valued, needed. THAT is how I'll know...he's willing to climb the wall, invest the time, and WANT in.

Till next time....