Trust

"But do you trust me?" those are words I often hear when talking with God and more times than not I have to stop and admit that no, I don't fully trust Him. Though I'd much rather say of "course I do!" I would be lying and what's the point in lying to God? Trust. Not a good word for me. Kinda like beautiful.

The past four years I've loathed the word beautiful, for good reason..or so I've tried to justify. But the bottom line is it's kept me from growing, from receiving the love that God wants to give me. The wall goes up when I hear that word, though lately I've been working really hard at not doing that..writting for another time. So, this morning I sat on my bed and had to admit, once again, "I still don't trust You."

I pray for my friends, for growth to happen in their life, but it's in ways I think it should happen. I don't trust God to do it correctly. I pray for my kids to grow into healthy adults, but it's how I think that should look. I don't trust God to raise them correctly. I pray for my church to become God's vessel, but it's with ideas that I have. I don't trust God to use us fully.

I stay behind my wall of safety because there I'm in control, there I'm comfortable. There, trust is not needed. Not trusting is looking at Carla. Trusting is replacing Carla with God.

This morning I admitted all of this, out loud, to my Creator. I cried and I said aloud "please help my unbelief". Clairty also means seeing God more clearly, not for what He can do but for who He is. I want to trust God not because he's proven trustworthy to me, but because I believe He is who He says He is; I believe God is good, I believe God loves me, I believe God is trust. God. Is. Trust.