Bipolar

Bipolar. Not a topic I generally write about, not sure I've ever written about it; at least, not for others to read. Today I can't fight it any longer, it's time to put it out there in black and white.

I'm not telling you I have bipolar as some disclosure that you didn't already know, I talk very openly about the fact that I have been diagnosed with this disorder. I'm writing about it because I've not given it the attention it deserves...and I know I'm not the only person who has it. Knowing we're not alone is half the battle.

I was diagnosed with bipolar shortly after I started counseling in 2007. I remember clearly when I first heard the words and my reaction...there's no way I'm ever going back to see THAT counselor! But I did. I also did some research on bipolar. And I cried. A lot.

In counseling I learned how to manage it, I learned how to manage me. I also learned how to embrace the person God created me to be. I think for the first time ever in my life I learned how to truly love me.

Bipolar is something I will forever have, unless God takes it away (which I pray for often). I will always be on medication and though I hate that statement, I've learned it's not about what I like or don't like, it's about being the very best I can be.

I hate having bipolar. I hate being so emotional. I hate that my brain doesn't work like it should at times. I hate when I wake up and my first thought is "just stay in bed, you don't feel good today". I hate that it's a struggle at times to put on the happy face. I hate that I have days of feeling great....cause those days aren't every day and I really like those days! I hate that I cry for no reason. I hate that I get angry over stupid stuff. I hate that I have no umph sometimes.

Now, let me be clear...those things I've listed aren't an every day kind of thing, just stuff I deal with off and on. Most that know me struggle to accept that I'm bipolar, they say they just can't see it in me. That means the medicine I'm on works and I'm managing it well. However, I also don't let most people around when the "down" part comes out. I tend to withdraw.

I also want to be clear in saying all of us have moments like I've described, so please don't think just because you experience these things means you have bipolar. I have them to an extreme, there's a difference.

My goal in writing about this today is for you to begin to better understand bipolar, so you can stop making fun of it and calling us nuts, but also hose that have it will stop living under the weight of it. I have bipolar...I'm not bipolar. It's not where my value, my worth, my identity comes from.

Bipolar is just another part of my story. Another part that I will not be victim to by being silent.

Doing

14 months ago I created Vulnerability Ministries. The past 14 months have been a learning process consisting not just of learning how to start a not for profit, but also learning what God intended when He laid this ministry on my heart. The fog is slowly lifting, I'm seeing a little clearer, and progress is happening.

Last night the high school youth group came to my house for a bonfire. I shared with them my story about earning the most talkative award my senior year and the sadness it brought me. I shared with them how I felt through my high school days...a girl who didn't know her value.

God took that talkative girl and turned her into a woman that now speaks out on His behalf. Today if I won the most talkative award I would beam with pride because it would mean I am doing what God is asking me to do...share about Him through Vulnerability Ministries.

So, today I will work on my To Do list for the ministry and actually complete the things I've been putting off. My desire is to be a vessel for God to use, that means actually doing what He asks me to do. My desire is helping people get past the hurt in their life that is causing them to keep God at a distance, that means speaking out loud. My job is this ministry and that means asking for donations.

Years ago I prayed for God to use me....He is....because it's no longer my story.

Determine

Years ago God took me through the lesson of "just be", something I talk often about, and yet I quit doing it over as much this last year. Oh I talk to God, I seek God, but I'm not stopping to just be with God...my motive has turned to get something, not give something.

I woke this morning, early, and instead of laying there trying to go back to sleep I decided to get up (hoping to get some writing done actually). When I sat down at the computer I remembered again that phrase, just be, so I walked away from the computer and went outside to enjoy watching the sun come up and be in silence.

I prayed off and on, but mostly I was silent.

I didn't get some "revelation" and I didn't hear His "voice" but I did remember the peace I felt when I use to do this daily. By the time I came back inside I didn't feel so alone and the weight of my problems didn't seem so overwhelming to me.

My problems are still here, there are things to still be figured out, that hasn't changed in the 30 minutes I spent outside; however, in that time I regained focus on what matters, who's in charge, what my role is, and I was reminded that I don't need to keep asking when He's already answered.

Is there something you need guidance on? Have you already prayed about it, laying it the feet of the One who knows everything? Do you know deep down inside what you're suppose to do (not what feels comfortable or seems easy or what others tell you)? Have you received your answer but you keep questioning?

I want to encourage you this morning to pause and remember what you already know, remember what He's told you, and remember what your part is vs His part. I encourage you to lay down your fear, lay down your worry, lay down your need to control, lay down your need for comfortable. The three men who were thrown into the fire (if you don't know the story let me know and I'll fill you in) were not walking in comfort, control, and doubt. Those three men walked in confidence and were determined to follow God regardless of the outcome.

Today let us renew our determination so that our time, our money, our words, our actions, our lives reflect a confidence that God is in control regardless of how things appear. Determine to stand your ground and follow God...even when the fire gets hot. Determine to seek Him just to be with Him, not because you need something from Him.

Today let us begin to love God out loud and in outrageous ways!! Bring on the fire!

My Heart

I have been sitting in my chair starring at this computer for way to long waiting on something to write. I don't have writers block, it happens just not currently, I have control issues. I hear inside "write your heart" and I reply "not today give me something else". So, here I sit. Why do I continue to argue with God? It's not like I ever "win"!

My heart. Today I feel like I'm beginning to rise from a fog I've been in way to long, though I'm not fully out of it. The fog is my desire to fix. I want to fix others so they will be happy, healthy, whole. I want to fix others because when they hurt I hurt. I want to fix others because I know the pain that lies ahead of the decision they just made and I want to save them from it.

My heart. Too often I speak way to much. I go to far. I don't fully think out what needs to be said, saying only that part and throwing what I want to say out. Need vs want. Speak the truth in love, that's what I'm often told...I try to do that, I fall short though. Or do I?

Are we still speaking the truth in love if we make someone cry? If we say something that causes that prickly feeling inside? Are we speaking the truth in love if we draw the line in the sand? Are boundaries truth in love...when the other person begs you to change them? Or are we overbearing, uncaring, judgmental, harsh, and lacking compassion?

My heart. With me you always know where I stand, because I want to always know where you stand. But I'm learning that not everyone says where they stand in the same ways I do and that's ok. I'm learning that change is allowed, even ok. I'm learning that to love you doesn't mean accept their actions, it simply means love you through the action. And I'm learning that "fixing" just isn't going to happen in the ways I think it should.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people whom He deeply loves, you must clothe yourselves in tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12. My memory verse this week. My heart that God longs for me to have. My heart that I long to have.