Bipolar

Bipolar. Not a topic I generally write about, not sure I've ever written about it; at least, not for others to read. Today I can't fight it any longer, it's time to put it out there in black and white.

I'm not telling you I have bipolar as some disclosure that you didn't already know, I talk very openly about the fact that I have been diagnosed with this disorder. I'm writing about it because I've not given it the attention it deserves...and I know I'm not the only person who has it. Knowing we're not alone is half the battle.

I was diagnosed with bipolar shortly after I started counseling in 2007. I remember clearly when I first heard the words and my reaction...there's no way I'm ever going back to see THAT counselor! But I did. I also did some research on bipolar. And I cried. A lot.

In counseling I learned how to manage it, I learned how to manage me. I also learned how to embrace the person God created me to be. I think for the first time ever in my life I learned how to truly love me.

Bipolar is something I will forever have, unless God takes it away (which I pray for often). I will always be on medication and though I hate that statement, I've learned it's not about what I like or don't like, it's about being the very best I can be.

I hate having bipolar. I hate being so emotional. I hate that my brain doesn't work like it should at times. I hate when I wake up and my first thought is "just stay in bed, you don't feel good today". I hate that it's a struggle at times to put on the happy face. I hate that I have days of feeling great....cause those days aren't every day and I really like those days! I hate that I cry for no reason. I hate that I get angry over stupid stuff. I hate that I have no umph sometimes.

Now, let me be clear...those things I've listed aren't an every day kind of thing, just stuff I deal with off and on. Most that know me struggle to accept that I'm bipolar, they say they just can't see it in me. That means the medicine I'm on works and I'm managing it well. However, I also don't let most people around when the "down" part comes out. I tend to withdraw.

I also want to be clear in saying all of us have moments like I've described, so please don't think just because you experience these things means you have bipolar. I have them to an extreme, there's a difference.

My goal in writing about this today is for you to begin to better understand bipolar, so you can stop making fun of it and calling us nuts, but also hose that have it will stop living under the weight of it. I have bipolar...I'm not bipolar. It's not where my value, my worth, my identity comes from.

Bipolar is just another part of my story. Another part that I will not be victim to by being silent.