Seeds

What are we here for? I mean, honestly, why do we exist on Earth? Why didn't God make us and keep us with Him in heaven? And why hasn't He just simply started over?

I don't know the answers to those questions but I do know this...we ARE here, this side of heaven, and as of today He's not chosen to start over. I teach my kids that when you're born God has placed a special seed inside of you, that seed is to tell your purpose for life, but it's up to you to cultivate that seed, pay attention to it, listen to His voice.

Part of me thinks not all of us have a seed that becomes our career, but today as I sit and write these words, something in me says I'm wrong. We as Americans wrap our identity around questions such as what do you do for a living, what religion are you, are you married. All these things create who we are, but really what we should be saying is my career...oh, I'm a Christian, my religion...don't have one, just follow Christ, married...He is the bridegroom and we are the bride. Can we all really follow our dreams? Can we really cultivate that seed inside of us, really? And for some of us what exactly did that seed use to whisper to us..it's been a long time.

Most people believe you work all your life, then retire. Most people believe you work all your life in a job you hate, then you retire. Most people believe you ignore your passions, you ignore your calling, you ignore your seed, then you retire. Thankfully I'm not like most people. I doubt I'll ever retire. I doubt I'll ever work in a job I hate long enough to retire. Every thing in my screams that's not the way it's suppose to be.

My seed...my seed says you'll write and you'll speak. About what and when and where....I have a vague idea. Vague. But it has been whispering to me from the time I was a small child writing poems with misspelled words. My seed whispers to me, do be of this world thinking like they think, follow Me and My plans. So, my career is Christian, religion is Christian, spouse Christ. Bring on the questions...I'm ready.

Till next time....

Giving In

God has been asking me to do something for some time now and to be totally honest I've simply said I can't. I'm though our God is relentless and the whisper gets louder until finally you're forced to do it for no other reason than all other options are taken away.

This morning, I did the first part. I did it. I can't believe I did it and I'm afraid to admit to anyone that I did out of fear they'll tell me I shouldn't have, but I did it because I know with everything in me God asked me to and at the end of the day following Him is more important...even when it doesn't seem logical. The very moment I did it, I received a call with an opportunity...I couldn't help but laugh because that's exactly how God works...gives you enough light to see that He truly is working.

The bible says that if you follow God, He will make your path straight...I'm learning that my definition of straight must not be the same as God's because we sure do take a lot of turns. It's an adventure after all, I was reminded of that yesterday, an adventure indeed. So, I guess I should do the second part of His request..deep breath...again I say...really? Are you sure? And again He says...follow Me, chase Me, love Me...deep breathing is going to be a major requirement for the next 30 days!

Till next time....

Into the storm

I've written many times over the years about when Jesus took the disciples into the storm..it's my favorite part of the whole Bible. My favorite because it shows just how surrounded we are by His love...Jesus got in the boat first. To me, that's the key part of the whole thing...He knew the storm was coming, he got in the boat and then called to them to join Him so they could cross to the other side. He didn't tell them to go and then at the last second said wait, you're going to need me to go along for this one...nope, He lead the way.

A storm has brewing in my life, it's to be expected I guess. We're either coming out of one, in one, or entering one...I'm entering. I haven't decided which of those three is my favorite one to be in, each is painful in its own way and each is fantastic in its own way. Regardless, I'm entering...I felt it coming for some time now...but the tears are still flowing, the fear is still swelling, and once again I find myself asking "But can I trust him THIS time?"

Having endured storms before I am fully aware that this one too shall pass and when it does, beauty lies ahead. In the meantime, I will draw upon what my past storms have taught me and I will seek to find what this storm is meant to teach me...and I will do as the eagles and fly into the storm knowing His wings will raise me above the storm into safety.

And then I find myself wondering...what makes it a "storm"? Maybe it's just a left turn, another next step, an opportunity to draw near to God because He will draw near to you...maybe what I see as a storm is really just, well not. Not a storm at all, it's just life as a Christian, as a person this side of heaven. Hmmm....well, regardless I know He got in the boat first, He knows what lies ahead and He alone calms the waters. So as I leave to enter whatever it is that's up ahead of me I will put on my life jacket (prayer) and I will be confident, not wavering, in who I am.

Till next time....

Wounds beneath the scars

I heard a song on the radio this morning that talked about God healing the wounds beneath our scars...I simply said "Yes" as I listened to those words being sung. Yes I want that, yes I need that, yes.

Last night a moment came that forced me to admit out loud some wounds that still exist from when I was a small child, wounds that I would much rather ignore and accept the scar over them. Wounds that affect my parenting, affect my being a woman. But as I spoke about it, as I gave life to those wounds I felt a relief...I was able to finally say it all, get it out there, and then just sit in that moment among my friends knowing that God was working in that very moment.

My scars are many, sometimes I feel as if I'd been in battle and can easily compare my battle wounds/scars with another. I have addressed many of them, I have worked hard to open myself to God's healing and to move past the pain that comes with healing; however last night was a reminder I still have deep wounds hidden beneath what seems to be just a scar, just a flesh wound.

I didn't sleep well last night, I wrestled most of the night, trying desperatly to stay asleep. Will my wounds ever be fully healed? Will I ever be asked a question that refers to one of my wounds and not instantly cry? Will I be able to fully accept the Truth that I hear?

And then I'm reminded...by his stripes I am healed...yes. Yes I will. Yes I am. Yes.

Till next time friend....

Be

Tonight I was faced with it again...am I enough? Me, just as I am, all that I bring to the table and all that I don't...am I enough? It seems to be a theme in my life, one that I'd really like to get rid of yet one I'm thinking won't ever go away. Ever.

In the book of James, God says I chose you...so at our very core we want to know we're enough, we want to know we've been chosen. I have. I know He's chosen me. I rest in that...and I would be lying if I said that was all I needed, if I didn't need more. I would be lying if I said I don't need to know the love of a man.

Vulnerability...another theme in my life. Tonight I feel completely vulnerable. I'm sitting here, waiting. Waiting on the answer. Waiting on God. Waiting on him. To decide if I'm enough. Oh I know logically it's not like that, but the heart in me whispers oh but it is, even if it's just a little.

I want to rest in knowing God is in control, I want to rest in knowing it'll all work out for good and in the end I'll be grateful for it...I do know all that. That's truth. Feeling says otherwise. Feeling says this hurts, deeply. Feeling says it's going to hurt for a long time. Feeling says it's going to end..cause it always does.

I will be still, in this moment. I will not run. I will not get ahead of God. I will rest in this moment of being vulnerable, waiting and I will walk in truth not feeling. And I will know that regardless of the choices that are made, my worth is in Him and that alone makes me enough.