Impossible

I read a blog just now that talked about impossible prayers, the author challenged us as the reader to leave a comment with what our impossible prayer is so I started to do it and then stopped. I starred at that blank box for what felt like eternity and then as I started to touch the keyboard I felt fear sweep over me. Doubts filled my head, what if it's another one that doesn't get answered? Remember how He didn't answer that ONE? What if you're just wasting your time, being silly? Who am I to ask for this? All the while my fingers never left the keyboard, I let them lay there as I starred out the window as if searching for some sign that it was ok to start typing, to start praying. There was no miraculous sign, no great movement inside me, I didn't hear God's voice telling me it was ok. I simply took a deep breath and said "I trust you" and started to type.



I had an impossible prayer once, a prayer that was the very cry of my soul and I believed with all that I had in me God would answer that prayer. He didn't. At least not in the form of my prayer. The surface part of me can reason with it, justify why and brush off the pain, but below the surface the hurt is still very much alive...I discovered this a few weeks ago when I blurted out while alone in my car "You didn't do it! You let me down!" Tears fell as I realized that all those times God asked "do you trust me" and I replied "yes of course" I didn't fully. There's still a part of me that stays protected from Him because I don't feel I can fully and truly trust Him. It goes much deeper than that one prayer honestly, maybe I'll write about it tomorrow, but for today that particular unanswered prayer wounded me greatly.



As I began to type I recalled the tears that fell that day in the car and the words that followed, I asked for forgiveness and in that moment between God and myself I forgave myself for a lot of things including my unbelief. God didn't just not answer it, there are reasons some of which I know and some I do not. Regardless, His no is a form of protection not a rejection and His yes is not merely for enjoyment but for growth. So, today as I was challenged to pray another impossible prayer I knew it was God's way of saying "do you trust me", a moment of truth had crossed my path...do I? I wish I could tell you of course I do, I trust God in ALL areas of my life, but I would be lying. I still struggle. I WANT to trust Him, I'm working on trusting Him, and I'm much further than I ever have been. My impossible prayer has changed a little over time and even grown in depth. My impossible prayer still seems very impossible to me, yet God has proven himself to be a God of the impossible. My answer to God as I began to type was "I do trust You, help the part of me that doesn't."



The prayer is out there, for Him to do with as He chooses. Some would counsel "well, now you wait and see"...I say "now I have faith that He'll answer me" and what He answers is for my best interest.