and yet

It seems the harder I try to hear from God, the less I hear. I go to Him with questions, I truly want to know what He wants me to do and yet...I feel nothing inside. No direction. And then suddenly I'm reminded that "you've got it all wrong". I'm going with the need for answers instead of the need for relationship. I can't help but smile at this because I knew that, I did. And yet...

I've had many people tell me "it must be nice to stay home", "it must be nice to not work a real job", "it must be nice to sit around and read all day". My response? It is. I wish that was my response. Because honestly I have been on the defense since the day I began this current "next step". Always feeling I must defend what I do all day and never escaping the feeling that it could be more. I earnestly seek to please God, no one else and yet...

As a Christian you must be aware of the FACT there are two parts to you; a spiritual and a flesh. Christians spend a lot of time focusing on God, saying all the right things, doing all the right things. Christians are really good at putting on our good little christian face. Reality is we have a flesh side too and if we aren't careful we'll be fooled into believing we're doing God's will but in reality we're simply doing the will of our flesh (which can look a lot like pleasing others). I love God more than I've loved anyone, I deeply want to make Him happy and yet I let my flesh get in the way. I love what I do, my daily life, and yet I let my flesh get in the way. In this life there aren't many things we can control but I can most certainly control my response to what my flesh desires. Following God is hard, it requires sacrifice, time, dedication, and a lot of uncertainty (otherwise known as faith). Following my flesh is easier, feels better in the moment and makes others more comfortable. And yet...

Today I will return to what He first asked me to do, just be. Today I will do my "job" knowing I'm right where He asked me to be. Today I will walk with God instead of run ahead and today I will remember that I will stumble, even fall, and yet...He leads me because He is my Shepherd (not my flesh).