Power

Today I am 34 1/2 years old. I remember when the 1/2 was so important. I was always trying to be older, act older, sound older. I always wanted to be what I wasn't. Why do we do that? All kids try so hard to be what they aren't. All parents have had at least moments of trying to make your kid into something they aren't. Last weekend I sat at a table with my step brother and step sister and wondered "do my parents see us for who we truly are or do they see what we aren't?"

I have a friend who is in the beginning stages of divorce. Another who is fighting for his life. Another who is fighting for the life of her adult child. I don't honestly know any one that can look you in the eye and say yep this is EXACTLY how I saw my life when I was a kid rushing to becoming an adult. I sat on my bed last night crying because of a decision I must make, a decision that will affect my child, a decision I have begged God to fix for me so I don't have to do it. And yet, this morning I woke feeling peace because I know who I serve, who I try to please, who I allow to have power over me.

Sometimes we feel there's a black cloud that follows us...well, if that's the case then what's the central theme? You. The "black cloud" is over you. You have the ability to remove it. By will power? Let me know how that works out for ya. By running away? Yeah, let me know on that too. By ignoring? Ah, that's my favorite thing to do and yet I notice that the cloud just gets blacker. So how? People ask me how can you have gone through all you did just three years ago and be as happy and grounded in life as you are? Faith. Bottom line, no fluff involved. Faith.

There is power in losing control. There is power is surrender. There is power in not living for others. It's scary. It's overwhelming. It's freeing. As a kid I couldn't wait to turn another year older because I thought that would mean people would finally start treating me like I meant something, not just a "kid". Now I can't wait to turn another year older because that means I've got another year of learning from Him under me and another year of lesson ahead of me. But today, today I find myself saying "Please just let me sit here for a little while longer". Today I don't want to be older or younger. I'm finally content right where I am.

Stop hanging on to something that's hurting you. Stop fighting for something that only makes you cry. Stop trying to run from who you are. Stop pretending it's all ok. Stop being loud, demanding, controlling, and please stop fighting the whisper of I love you.

True power lies in not having power.