Two years of life...

I'm really struggling in school, not in the sense that it's too hard for me but rather it's forcing me to be what I'm not...or is it? I'm struggling over the fact I feel like my writing is forced to be rigid, forced to be not who I am...not real. It's a lot of what I call scholarly writing, quoting from other books and writing in a way that's not revealing who the person but rather what the concept is. I hate it.

I've been starring at the screen for over an hour now, trying to stay focused on what I must get done and all I can think is "why exactly are you having me do this?" I'm truly confused as to why I'm in school. Is that even normal? I guess I'm not totally confused, I know it's where God wants me. I guess I'm just confused as to why me? I don't "fit" well into the group AT ALL. I fear that through this process I'll lose part of who I am, the part that I really love...my style of writing.

So, I'm sitting here trying to get motivated to finish my homework and the thought came to me, maybe it's not about you at all. I really dislike that thought, though it occurs to me often. Maybe I'm there, among these people, for reasons way beyond me and my discomfort. Maybe the challenge that comes with grad school with actually make me better, not take away what I love.

This challenge is something I wanted, after all no one made me go to grad school. This challenge is something I knew would force me to the next level. It's going to be a very intense two years, but two years will go by regardless; so I can either step up to the plate and embrace the challenge or I can fight it the whole way. I'm going to try and embrace it, knowing full well there will be moments of fighting...but two years will pass regardless.