Humble Helping

The other day I was having a talk with God and through tears I told Him "you can't expect me to keep asking for help! You can't expect me to live a life of being dependent on others!" His response..."You asked for my help, please don't tell me how to help you". Isn't that just like God! The past three years I have had many humbling experiences involving someone helping me in some way, it's not gotten any easier to accept.

A friend once told me that when you deny someone the option of helping you, you're robing them of the joy of following God's will to help. I've not really thought of it in those terms before. But we as Christians want to help others, to serve others. It's just hard being on the receiving end of that.

Today I was told that a couple wants to paint one our rooms at our new house for a date night for them! Seriously!! And then it all came together...they will spend quality time together, serving, and helping a friend. Isn't that the way we are suppose to function? There was a part of me that wanted to say "oh no, I can't ask you to do that. I can do it." Cause of course I think I can do it all. Silly me. I didn't say that though I simply grinned widely and said woohoo!

I KNOW God takes care of me. I KNOW God will forever provide for our needs and I also KNOW God works through people. To every single person that has ever helped me, either financially or you just listen to me ramble...THANK YOU! God has used you, worked through you, to help me. Thank you!

The Internet

My son will start high school this next school year and that means that when he goes off to college no one in his class will have ever known life without the Internet. Actually, none of my kids do. It's weird to think there are things that were "invented" during my lifetime but not my kids, kinda makes me feel old.

I have been apart of the Internet world for some time now, getting more and more used to it I must admit. I remember when the thought of Internet dating was appalling to most of us, including me. I guess when you say it that way "Internet dating" it does sound kinda creepy, but having been apart of that world I can tell you I'd much rather meet someone off the Internet than from the local bar.

I've been single for three years now. I've had just a few short term relationships and I've made some really good friends. I think now I can say I understand why my mom said to "date around" before settling down. I always thought that concept seemed creepy to, actually the word I thought of was slutty. LOL But I get it now, I can't even put into words how much I've learned about who I am as a person over these last three years.

I have my share of dating stories, some down right make ya cry funny and some make ya cry cause they weren't funny. I've had my moments of loving the fact I'm single and moments of yelling at God, begging God to bring someone into my life because I hate being single. I have friends who have fantastic marriages and allow me to peek in and see how they do it...thank you for that. I have friends who's marriages are anything but fantastic and allow me to peek in on that as well...reminds me why I like being single. I'm kidding, kinda. Regardless of it all, I look forward to doing life with someone, but it will be the right someone or it will be no one. Just that simple.


I had lunch (not a date) the other day with an friend from high school, someone I haven't seen in nearly 15 years...all thanks because of the Internet. Actually had that experience a few times because of the lovely facebook/myspace sites. LOVE THEM! It was good catching up with him, hearing how he's grown into the man he is today. Which by the way I'm very proud of him! I have other friends who have become some of my closest friends all because we were able to reconnect over the Internet.

So, if you're reading this congrats to you for joining the Internet world of blogging/facebook. If you're single and dating know that I feel your pain and I will laugh and cry with you any time you need me to. If you're married, my goodness stay married because this dating thing totally sucks butt! ;) Seriously, don't knock the Internet dating thing when one of your single friends tells you how they met so and so, just pray for us single folk and know that we're all just trying to carve out our own path in this big world.

Till next time...

Take time...

I read a short article today about the busyness of our lives like being late for appointments because of a string of events that take place and seem to snowball out of control so that by the end of the day you're frazzled and not sure if you completed anything on time or at all. That used to be me and on some days it still is I guess.

I had a great conversation with my best friend yesterday about what to do professionally, she struggles with what she wants to do verses what others think she should do; that used to be me and still is some days.

One of the good things about starting over is you get to choose what comes back in, what plates are worth spinning. Now, nearly two years has gone by since my life changed and I am farther than I ever would have been had my life not been broken in two. But not in ways "typical" of Americans. I haven't worked a full time job since then, I volunteer at my church often, the job I do have isn't really a job to me it's more like going to work to get a brake from life, I still go to counseling every six weeks and can look people in the eye to say that, I am in college full time and will graduate this year (woohoo mom, I think we've made it)...all while I have three kids depending on me daily to keep life running.

In order to do all of that I had to humble myself in some decisions, but let me be clear in telling you God has worked in outrageous ways to allow me to start life over the way I have. We are taken care of in ways I never imagined would happen. The people in my life are the reason why I've gotten this far...I am so grateful for their love and friendship.

This "time off" if you will has been a life lesson...my life isn't about moving up the corporate ladder, earning equity in my house, or having the newest cool stuff. Life, for me at least, has become exactly what I'm living...I'm at home if my kids are sick, I'm home when they come home from school, my kids are seeing God work in our lives and are impacted by it, I'm building fantastic relationships, I'm learning who I am and am becoming very comfortable in my own skin, I'm living life not doing life.

I might not have money in the bank after I pay my bills, or own my home, or have designer clothes but I tell you this...I am rich in ways far greater than any of that. I wouldn't trade my life for any THING!

So, my point to this whole thing....no one dies thinking they wish they had worked more or owned more (ok some do, but I'm guessing you won't) so don't let it get to the point where God has to break you before you slow down; you can change the pace, you can. Start with one thing, anything, but just start because this year will go by so quickly and at the end you'll be glad you slowed down, trust me! ;)

Till next time...

A day off

We finally have a day of rest. The kids are home and we have no place to be today. I wouldn't have even showered today, but I had to go grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping, that and buying gas. Two things I really really don't enjoy at all. But since the kids have been gone most of the last two weeks I've gotten out of grocery shopping so today was needed. We now have plenty of food in the house and yet E announced just now there's nothing to eat. Grrr.

My kids had a great Christmas, getting lots of stuff that should keep them busy; however, the girls are currently fighting and walking around as if there is NOTHING to do. Somethings never change huh.

But as I sit here in my chair, looking out the window and hearing the "noise" I can't help but smile because...my life rocks! Sometimes we have to get in dark places before we love the light places, I have been in both at several points in my life as I'm sure most have. It seems like the older I get, every day that goes by, I love my life a little more. I'm still human, a woman, and a single mom so I have my "moments", but overall it's good to be me.

I'm thinking about all the people that are in my life, the ones I know well and the ones I know not so well. I'm thinking about all who have crossed my path in the course of my 32 years on this Earth and I pray that each of you, wherever you are, can get to the point where you too can say "it's good to be me".

Just a little sidebar before I end...E just asked if she could put on makeup since we aren't going anywhere, and well it's now all over her and my floor. *Sigh* yes, it's good to be me. :)

Till next time...

It's a New Year!!

My friend, Connie, gave me a devotional book for Christmas this year and I can officially start it today. It's from Beth Moore's Breaking Free book and after I finished my reading I sat in the quiet for a moment to let it sink in. I tend to move from one thing to the next much to quickly, maybe that will be part of my new year's resolution...slow down and let it sink in. As I sat there I started telling God the things I want to break free from, things like the negative self talk I'm always doing, the past that holds me from being who I am today, the fear that keeps me from letting anyone totally in including God. I want to break free from making progress and then falling backwards. I want to break free from the feeling of treading water, barely making it, having to prove I'm enough.

It occurred to me as I was sitting there that when I stay connected to God, when I take time daily to "just be" with Him, when I surround myself with the right people all that stuff I wanna break free from seems to diminish. It's only when I start to get busy with life, forget to sit and "just be", mingle where I shouldn't that life starts to feel not so good.

I've been making my way through the book of Psalms, but today I went back to one of my favorite...Psalm 27. I traced over the words as I read them, wanting them to become a part of my skin. I want to BELIEVE what it says, I want to LIVE what it says. I want to stay steadfast even when it hurts because I KNOW in my heart and soul it's true.

So, officially my new year's resolution...Psalm 27:14 "Wait patiently for the Lord, Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."

Till next time...

just friends

My good friend has had her heart hurt in a similar way to me and this writing is a continuation of her blog...

I had someone tell me in the past to lower my expectations in regards to dating, but what about friendship? It seems like there are varying degrees of friendship and I'm lost as to how to navigate my way through this. I thought dating was crazy, well friendship appears to be just as complicated. Actually it's when you're friends with the opposite sex that is the problem. Can you really "just be friends"? I hear all the time people say they would like that, I'd like that; I think that I have that to some degree....but then I come across situations that make me stop and remember when you get down to it we are still male and female and all that entails.

I hate being guarded. I hate having to not totally count on someone because they simply look at things differently than me. Why is it so hard to just say it like it is? If you don't want to hang out with me then why can't you just say no, I'm busy? If you like me for more than a friend and want to try dating then why can't you just say that? I can't stand vague and it seems vague is all I get lately.


I've been through to much to play games with anyone. I've worked my butt off to get to the place I am and I don't apologize to anyone for it. If you don't think you're good enough for me, well I'm not going to spend my breath convincing you that you are...the mere fact I want to be with you should tell you! And if I've actually lowered my wall enough for you to get in...*sigh* can't you see what that means?

I chase no one. I beg no one to be with me. And I certainly don't wait by the phone in hopes you'll call. I put myself out there for so long and then, if you don't do your part, I'm done. Period. Because I'm WORTH loving OUTLOUD.

So, I say why should I lower my expectations? Why not raise them and trust I will find someone that will rise to the level, hmmm maybe just maybe he'll even challenge me to raise to his!! No, I won't lower my expectations...if you want to be in my life and maintain my respect you'll be a true friend...in all that entails.

every other weekend

My kids all just left for the weekend to visit their Dad. Erica was playing when her dad got here and I could see the look on her face that she didn't really want to leave. She had just gotten home from school and already had to leave. I remember that look, that feeling.

My parents split up when I was just a baby so I don't know what it's like to not travel between homes. Every other weekend for eighteen years I traveled to my dad's house. I love my dad so very much and was always happy to see him, but I have to admit there were many times when I just wanted to stay home. The trip to my dad's house took just over an hour and on those long drives I'd have talks with myself, saying "I'll never ever make my kids experience this life". And tonight I said good bye to all three kids, going to two different homes because I've divorced twice.

In the big picture I've moved on from that, accepted it is what it is. But there are moments that creep in, moments like tonight that hit me and the little girl comes back out. The little girl in me was starring at me in the little girl of my youngest child tonight. As I bundled her up to go outside she looked up at me with a matter of fact look, kissed me and walked out the door. Tonight I'm reminded that I didn't hold to the promise I'd made myself, to my children. Tonight makes me sad.

But I know they will survive this. I know. Doesn't make it any less painful to watch. I wonder if that's what God feels when He looks at us struggling. He watches us bundle up and walk outside all the while knowing His child will get hurt. How in the world does He cope with that, because sometimes it's just too much for me to bare. Maybe it's because He sees the bigger picture and I tend to get lost in the moment.

I know this much, I pray ALL THE TIME my kids will not marry until they are ready and sure! Divorce never ever gets any easier!

Till next time...