Partner

I have been single for awhile now and during that time I've tried really hard to work on myself, understanding my failed marriages/relationships were not all their fault. I put up a wall, shut myself off from feeling, and looked inward to begin the healing and growing I so desperately needed. I know that someday I will marry again and when I do I want to know I'm the best wife I can be, I want him to be proud to say he's my husband. I've worked so hard on becoming a better person; there is no wrong in that, but I think part of my motives were still wrong. I want to grow so God can use me, absolutely, but I also must admit I want to grow because I'm still focused on "my husband" and making "my husband" happy. I didn't see it until this morning. My friend wrote to me that she had to learn to be a partner, not the boss and it suddenly hit me. I've said many many times I want a man that is strong enough to lead me, yet respectful enough to walk beside me; but every time someone tries to do that I freak out and take control or walk away (which is taking control). I've said I want a partner, but I haven't been one. As much as I've worked on taming some of my traits, I've missed a huge one! Or did I? Maybe I needed to work on those other things first, peel some superficial layers off before I could get to this one. Maybe this is the next step in the journey, a deeper level. Deeper---vulnerable---there's that word again. I should have picked a different word. :)

I want it. Desperately. More nights than I care to admit out loud I've cried for a husband. I pretend I'm ok being single. I say it's no big deal. God's all I need. But it's a lie. God is not all I need, because God didn't make me that way. The shift has happened in me though, I went from having a relationship being the center of my world to God being the center of my world. I no longer look to a man to fill that hole in my heart. God is there, and now I am whole. But I still long to be married. Truthfully I thought to myself "ok, got "God is your center" part down now where's the man?" Silly girl. I'm sure I make God laugh often by my thinking.

Today I realized there are more layers to work through and learning to be a partner is the next one. I realized today that I won't be "exactly like I should" when I finally get remarried. I won't ever be where I know I should be. And neither will "my husband". Maybe the first step in becoming a partner is allowing room for humanness. This partner thing is gonna take awhile....

till next time :)