life with trials

I've heard the phrase be careful what you wish for...like patience. People will be quick to tell you not to pray for patience because instead of God poofing patience on you, He makes you endure trials that teach you to be more patient. I will admit I'm one of those people saying oh don't pray for patience! But I quickly follow it up with I'm definitely a more patient person now! So I guess in a way what we're saying to you is through your wanting to be more patient just know you'll feel pain first, then patience.

As I've mentioned before I'm on a quest to discover why God created me a woman and what my role is in His plan. Last night I took a bath and cried, harder than I've cried in a long time. I just let it all out..finally. I cried because today I am going to the doctor for a third procedure to be done since I've had my hysterectomy in March. I just can't seem to heal completely. Today is not a fun day to be a woman. I cried because what I really wanted last night was for my husband to hold me and pray with me. I long for a godly man to come alongside me and be my best friend in times like this. I cried because my kids are moving into the teenage years and I'm entering it alone, being Mom and Dad. I cried because I don't have any job offers coming in and Christmas is right around the corner, but I can't even pay my rent this month. I cried because I am overwhelmed with life in general.

Part of being vulnerable is allowing myself to be weak in the presence of God. Allowing myself to say I can't take another step and trust that He doesn't shake His head at me and say "How can you be so weak?" Instead He scoops me into His arms, holds me close, and says "It's ok, I'll am strong enough for us both."

So, today I say be careful when you set out on a voyage to discover who you are because you'll endure pain first. And I quickly follow that with this statement "The idea of being lost and then found has such profound meaning for me. The pain I am enduring along this journey in discovering who I am is nothing in comparison to the feeling of not belonging which I felt the first part to my life. I would walk this path any day over the path I was on, including today. I love who God is molding me to be, I love being a woman, and I absolutely love being His princess."

It sure would be nice if He could just poof things on us though!