I wanna be....

I rarely watch the Oprah show for a multitude of reasons but the main one is I think she's of the opinion she is above us. Anyway, I happen to turn to her show the other day and the author of Eat, Pray, Love was on...again. I have yet to read the book, although I must admit my curiosity is peaked, but there was a comment by an audience member who said the book is her bible now. I felt everything inside of me cringe. But immediately I asked myself why. Why does it bother me that this woman, who said she was an atheist until reading this book, is now using the book as a spiritual guide? Why does it bother me that this book is getting so much attention? And for that matter why do I have such a grudge against Oprah?

And then the answer came. I'm jealous. OUCH!! That little thought hurt so badly as it passed through my pea-size brain that I literally stopped walking and just stood there for a moment, letting it sink in. In the quiet of my house, with no one around, I sat down on the floor and said out loud that I am jealous of their success, their experiences, their influence on others. I want that.

Ok, back to the bible thing for just a moment...I need to clarify that I, in no way shape or form want someone to view what I write as their bible. Never would I even in the quiet of my being want to replace God's Word for one reason...He is our Creator. I'm glad to hear she is now seeking God, or a "spiritual connection" as she called it, but I'm sad to hear that she's stopping at this book. Someones opinion.

Now, back the jealousy thing...deep breath...my desire when I was growing up was two fold, 1)Be like Oprah and 2)change the world. Seriously, that's what I wanted to do. I watched Oprah ALL THE TIME, until I became a Christian. I think I've pulled away from her because in some sense she was my direction on how to think and feel and live. My lens was clouded by my desire to become something great; therefore, I didn't see her as someone who made mistakes, I saw her as someone I wanted to BE in every sense of the word. As my faith has deepened and I've begun to learn what it means to "be" I see life through a different lens, including Oprah. But if I'm to be honest, I still like her and I guess what I'm learning now is that my view of her is just like with everything else in life...learning to live with boundaries, filtering out what doesn't belong in my life and keeping what does.

I love to write. I love to challenge people. I love to make us squirm, pushing the line to see where we all truly stand. I also love to be on the stage, the center of attention. Some would say it's the only child thing, I say it's just part of how God wired me. At times I feel I must apologize for those characteristics, but I'm beginning to understand that God doesn't give us gifts only to make us feel we must apologize for having them. Someday I would love to have a book published. Someday I would love to be on the Oprah Show and have her tell everyone they MUST read this book, blah blah blah. But I can tell you my reasons have changed from when I was a kid with those same dreams. I want the chance to tell people how having a relationship with Christ has changed my life. I want to tell people that He wants to have that same encounter with them. I want my mistakes, my hurts, and my at times crazy thinking to somehow be used for good by positively influencing others to become who they were created to be, before life happened. I don't want it to be about ME.

So, I'm jealous but as I sat on the floor God's voice comforted me by saying jealousy in its self isn't good, but my intentions behind it is. I'm not anyone else. My experience on this Earth will be like no one elses. My challenge, God pointed out, is to learn to be comfortable with that. Learn to own my own life, own my path, own my dreams, own my past. And then lay it all down and let Him light the next step.