To forgive

So we hear all the time that we are to forgive those that hurt us. We are too seek them out and ask forgiveness. Let me be honest and tell you there are people that have crossed my path I've yet to do this with. The number one person...me. Lately I am coming across people and circumstances that are making me jealous, making me sad. I am facing regrets over decisions I've made and directions I didn't go. I have been in a serious funk for over a week now and I think this is a big part of it. I have been beating myself up, silently at first, but lately out loud. God has brought it all to light, making me stare face to face with myself. He's refusing to let me look away, refusing to let me take my next step until I work through this one. We have been wrestling for sometime now and you'd think I know better.

I didn't see it. I didn't realize I was doing it. But everyday I beat myself up more than any man ever could. I thought that if I have "this" I'll feel better. If I do "this" I'll get further. If I please "this person" I'll feel loved inside. Always looking for something to wash away my hurt. But then Friday night, while attending a Greg Smalley seminar, I was hit smack in the face...what do you do that makes you feel safe with you? Uh. Hmm. Quick, shut down and hide. Seriously, those were my thoughts. Thankfully I wasn't called upon to see what I wrote down. Cause it's blank. I had no idea. All week I've thought about that sentence. All week I've come up with one thing...I sleep. I sleep because I don't feel safe with me. I'm always beating myself up only I didn't realize it until now. I mean I did, but not to this degree. Not to the sense of not feeling safe with myself. I knew I slept to avoid, much like an addict smokes, but I thought it was to avoid others not me.

If you know me at all you know the value I place on safety. But I've always thought of safety in terms of "do you make me feel safe". I looked to someone else to provide that for me. Never did I think about it in terms of something I could give myself. Sure protection and shutting down is safe and believe me I've done plenty of that. But true safety, healthy safety involves feeling and living..and it starts inside my heart not yours.

The other day I sat on my bed, closed my eyes, and said nothing. I just sat there. I slowly began to rock back and forth as if someone had their arm around me gently swaying with me. And then I realized that God loves me in my heart, my heart. Not my head. My head is full of mess, doubts, fears. My head is full of racing thoughts and numbing memories. But my heart, in my heart I long to simply love God, feel God, be with God. In my heart I love my children deeper than there are stars in the sky, I feel passionately for those who are recovering from addictions and habits and I deeply love others. In my heart I carry the Son.

I love you in your heart...that's why you are enough.

It's starting to become clear to me. Starting. God accepts me just as I am, past and all. I need to do that too. I need to make peace with all that I've said and done, decisions both good and bad...and I need to live for who I am today, not who I was. I think a part of my heart was stuck, hung up on what I could have been by now, it's time to get unstuck to forgive Carla and love who I am if no other reason than the fact that God totally loves me.

I've made mistakes. I've caused pain. I've felt pain. I am forgiven. I forgive...me.