Exposed

After Adam and Eve ate the apple the very next sentence in the bible is "and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness" (Gen 3:5). Today I had an interesting conversation with a friend who struggles with body image, much in the same way I do just for different reasons. We both however have realized that when we lose weight we suddenly feel exposed, "naked" really.

I went to the store shortly after this encounter and it seemed as if everyone was looking at me, staring at my body, all eyes were where they should not be. I walked through the store but wanted to run, I smiled politely but wanted to scream stop looking at me! By the time I got home I was emotionally exhausted.

There is something deep inside every woman that will never leave, no matter what she does...a feeling of exposure. We hide behind weight, muscle, relationships, aloneness, books, travel, jobs, children, church...I could keep going. Eve hid behind a fig leaf and then when God came into the garden she hid behind a bush. Eve hid because she suddenly felt exposed which brought shame and guilt. And we, my girlfriends, are no different than Eve.

I'm beginning to think our fear of exposure will never go away, it's part of living this side of heaven therefore instead of ignoring it or fighting it (cause for me at least neither are working very well) we should look at plan C...surrendering it. This is a prayer I've only half prayed to God because to be totally honest I'm not ready to face it head on. My body is the last of a particular healing season I need to address and frankly I know it'll be hard and I just don't want to. I attempt to "get healthy" in many ways only to cave and withdraw back into what brings me comfort..a few extra pounds (my fig leaf).

Surrender is hard. Surrender is scary. Surrender is necessary. Lord, please give me the courage needed to surrender my fig leaf to you, to risk the feeling of being exposed, to lay down my methods of maintaining control. I want to. I'm just afraid, I've had it for so long. Protect me from myself and help me feel the way You feel.