The worst

Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst. (1Timothy 1:15) The worst, those were Paul's words; Paul, a man that worte a LOT of the new testament, a man that literally saw the light, a man that spread the word of God unlike any man after him. He was the worst sinner. Well, I guess you could say he was because Paul killed Christians, that was his job, kill em. If Jesus were picking teams for the upcoming game, surely he'd allow Paul to go on the other team; but he didn't. Jesus stopped Paul as he walking down the street, reached out to him and said I love you, please join my team.

In school I was never, ever picked first. Or second. Or even third. Unless it was my best friend doing the picking and then she only picked me because she knew she had too. I wasn't the last, but I surely wasn't the first. I wasn't ever made to feel special, strong, smart, or needed. I was just there.

Today people will describe me as confident, full of life, an extrovert. They will tell you I'm loving, guarded, and full of passion. They will also tell you I am deeply in love with Jesus. Someone asked me once if I always had these traits, I laughed and said absolutely not. I'm not who I was, as the song goes, and yet that girl from high school, she's still in there. Paul did not forget who he was, neither will I.

At the end of last school year, Kaitlyn had to try out for cheerleading again. She had such confidence, such belief in herself. I asked her where that came from and she said "you" in that tone of why are you asking such a stupid question. Kaity has qualities I only found into my 30's. I've taught her to believe in herself, but I'm not the reason she's the young woman she is. God speaks to her heart, reminds her that He loves her, Kaity sees herself as the beauty she is and she BELIEVES it.

I am confident...most of the time. I am all of those qualities I mentioned...most of the time. But there are times, that can last for weeks honestly, all of the old ones come back. I start thinking about things I should have done, could have done, wanted to do. Things I knew better than doing, caved to, and moments I let slip away. I even look back to high school and think "why didn't I speak up, try harder, risk more?" And then...Jesus shows up, meets me on the road, to show me today's light. This morning, Erica was sitting at the counter eating while I was making her lunch and she said "you're the bestest Mom, I'm so happy to be with you"....ah, reality. Truth. Light.

We are all sinners, we all suck on a daily basis...some days are worse than others. We were all created by God, for God, to be with God. Sucky moments and all. I could have done a lot of things, but I didn't. Paul could have chosen to take a different career path, but he didn't. Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst. (1Timothy 1:15) I BELIEVE that.