Hard Hearts

I use to trust everyone, then I trusted no one. I use to let everyone in, then I let no one in. The bible says that God so loved the world He gave his one and only son. He gave...did you catch that? God experienced the ultimate betrayal, if anyone has a right to feel jaded it's surely God yet what did He do? He gave the most valuable thing He had to us, the most unworthy recipient. When I read those words I stop and wonder why, why did He do that? Why didn't He sigh and give up, why didn't He start over? Why does He loves us that much, that unconditional? And then in the whispers of my heart I hear how could I not?

My heart has been hardened for a long time, sure it doesn't always look that way, but it is. My heart has been pierced many times, wounds that were complied by more wounds. So, I built a wall. A wall to keep pain out, but I in the process I locked myself in. Sure you're outside where you can't hurt me, but I'm inside where I can't feel. When you're enclosed by walls, when you can't get hurt because you refuse to give, the void inside you never goes away; the pain is always there and you forget how to give simply because it's what you were made to do. Giving is the essence of our purpose for it's out of giving God saved His children. Giving and hard hearts do not go together.

I've been asked by God to do something, I've been fighting it for awhile now. I had many excuses as to why I couldn't, why I had to wait, why it shouldn't be me. I've also had moments of honesty and admitted I was afraid, I was jaded, I was not willing. Yesterday I finally said out loud "I give up, I'm done. I can't do any of this anymore. I'm out." Today I woke up to hear Him saying "but I gave, but I took the walls down, but I chased you first."

I don't want to have a hard heart. I don't want to live by fear. I don't want to disobey. And I surely don't want to live behind these walls any more. Laying them down seems wrong, laying them down seems destined to be wounded. Laying them down seems extremely risky. Laying them down requires the very depth of faith.

I cannot love God yet refuse to love others. I cannot ask to be used, yet hide behind my wall. I cannot risk in some areas, yet refrain in others. And I surely cannot believe yet refuse to obey. So today, today I will learn to love outside the walls, I will learn to trust outside the walls, and I will learn to risk it all outside the walls. Today I will not walk with a hard heart but rather a heart that gave simply because how could I not for it was given to me first.