Day 13. That pesky word Obey

I struggle with the word obey. Ok, struggle isn't accurate enough. I loathe the word obey. I hate being told what to do, especially when I know I should do it and don't want to and then hear the "command" to do it--everything in me screams "NO!" I truly and deeply loathe being told what to do.

I haven't been a Christian as long as most of my friends, but from my observation, it doesn't seem to matter how long someone has been a Christian, no one likes the word obey. Humans just don't seem to do well with that word. I find it interesting that that is the word Jesus uses when linked to "if you love me..."  In John 14 he doesn't beat around the bush, he states "If you love me, obey my commandments."

I've been thinking lately about words/phrases my friends would use to describe me and one that keeps coming to mind is "not easily swayed." I think because I'm so outspoken about having boundaries and in many ways I would say that phrase is good, even necessary; but if I'm to go a step further and fully see what that phrase represents, it also means "Don't tell Carla what to do--you'll get the boot." Boundaries are vital to becoming a healthy functioning individual and part of boundaries means being able to say "No, I'm not going to do that." However, what must always be assessed is the motive behind the "no", the motive behind the "I'm not doing what you told me to do."

I want so desperately to be a person of integrity, to be a Christian who serves God well; a quick review of my journal and you'll see 100's of pages over the last 12 years with that theme. I WANT to be that person. I have continuously fallen short. I knew what to do and I chose to do something else, I chose to not obey--again and again.

About four years ago I wrote a piece similar to this only the concept was "loving God isn't linked to if I obey him" and very quickly I found myself engaged in conversation with my Pastor; he brought up this particular verse in John, pointing out that I was in fact wrong in what I had written and after a few email exchanges I took down the post. That's the one and only time I've had that experience--removing something because someone challenged me--it's also the only time my pastor has been so blunt in saying "You're wrong, you can't put that notion out there."

I take my gift of writing very seriously. I take with great humbleness the fact that people from 10 countries follow this writing...I take my representation of Christianity seriously. It has taken me way to long to finally get on board, to finally stop tripping over a single word, to finally understand the all to simple connection. It's taken way to long for me to lay my pride down and say "Because I DO love you, I WILL obey."

My hands are sweating as I type those words, because I've never been able to do it before so the broken part of me is whispering "You're setting yourself up for failure. You're setting them up for failure." But, John 14  also records Jesus saying "I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart." I, on my own, I, Carla, cannot obey to simply obey. It's just not what I was taught to do, it's not who I want to be (frankly it seems weak to me). But because I believe in Jesus, I believe the bible to be truth, I believe God to be alive, I then also believe the things Jesus said. I, on my own, can't obey which is exactly why Jesus needed to come to this Earth--because obeying God is connected to loving God and in loving and obeying we find peace of mind and heart. I don't know about you, but this girl could use some peace of mind and heart!

It doesn't say it'll be easy. It doesn't say it'll make us popular. It does say Love=Obey=Peace.  It's all in the motive, remember ;)