Day 20. At the altar we find peace

I woke this morning with a heaviness I haven't felt in a very long time and as I began to ponder the day ahead of me, I was wrestling with the idea of going to church. Fear has a way of gripping the depth of our heart and whispering to the us the very lies we believe will consume us. Fear had gripped me this morning and though I wanted to give in and just stay in bed, I found myself walking through the doors of the church--more from autopilot than desire.

I didn't see it coming, the way the service ended. I didn't see it coming, my nearly running to the front of the church and falling to my knees as I heard the band sing "Oh come to the altar, the Father's arms are open wide.."  As I knelt in front of my church and I heard the words being sung, I could feel with every heaving cry all the weight of my regret and every ounce of my fear pouring out of me; it was one of the most moving experiences of my life. And to think I considered staying home...

Several years ago in one of my many tantrums to God about being single I told Him that I wanted a ring from Him--after all, a husband gives a ring to his bride and God's word says in Isaiah 54:5 "For your Maker is your Husband..." so, I wanted a ring. A few weeks later my mom and I were out shopping and she wanted to look at the jewelry collection, I reluctantly went (I don't wear much jewelry). As she picked up a ring she said "Look at this, it's a ring of crosses" and as I took it from her hand I felt a wave of peace brush over me as if to say "I do."

It's only on rare occasions that I take this ring off, for it's my reminder that though I am single my Maker is my Husband. This morning, when I finally opened my eyes after pouring my soul's heartache onto the church floor, the first thing I saw was my ring and I knew in that moment...He has not left me. 

I started today with a heavy heart because of the weight of choice after choice, time after time, I have done the very thing I do not want to do--and I feared, perhaps He will leave me now. My day is ending with the heaviness of Peace and the reassurance that when I turn to God there I will find Him, at the altar with arms open wide...
 
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.^. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39.