Christmas

I have only been following God for six years, oh I believed in God my entire life, but I've only been FOLLOWING God for six years...some days I do that better than others but EVERY day I do it. For most of my life Christmas time was just about presents and family and eating (of course), it was about snowy mornings and trees decorated and people being warm towards each other. I knew it was to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but honestly that didn't really mean much to me.

I can remember as a little girl my grandpa telling me that Jesus loves me, that Jesus lives in my heart (which by the way totally freaked me out as a five year old) and that Jesus died for me....but it just wasn't PERSONAL for me....I didn't KNOW this Jesus person and I didn't ask Him to die for me.

I wonder how many people this Christmas are like I was for so many Christmas's? I wonder how many people say Merry Christmas without giving Jesus a single thought? I wonder if we "Christians" even think about Jesus during this time of the year?

I'm guilty of getting so worked up over my list of things to do, worrying about making sure my kids have a good Christmas, making sure we see everyone...I'm guilty of allowing Christmas to stress me out instead of allowing God's love to pour over me during this time of the year...especially this time of the year.

Regardless of what you believe, Christmas is about the birth of a man who didn't have to come to this Earth yet did because He loved us. LOVED US! Not a fake love, not a superficial love, but a deep and unconditional love. A love that we can't even believe to be true...not for us. Christmas my friends is about feeling Grace, seeing Grace, experiencing Grace.

This Christmas, when you're alone take a moment to pause and think about WHY you're celebrating Christmas, WHY it matters to you, WHY we have this holiday. This Christmas instead of getting worked up over the junk that we've allowed to be apart of our holiday (family stress, money stress, time stress) I challenge us all to let that stuff go and focus on what matters....God so loved the WORLD that gave His one and only Son...Christmas totally rocks!

Till next time my friends....

Empty Happy

I saw an ad on msn today that had tips on boosting your mood and it hit me…I’m always looking for quick ways to feel better, look better, do better but nothing ever fully works…why? Because I’m looking to empty moments of happiness. Empty. Sure they may work in the moment and they may even last a little longer than the moment, but eventually they fade away and I’m searching once again for the “better”. God’s been doing a lot of work on me lately in the area of going to everything but Him first. I call my friends. I email. I text. I cry. I whine. I read a book about it. I search the internet for answers. Then, after all areas are exhausted, then I turn to Him. Why do I do that? After all this time I know better. Yet that’s exactly what I do. Don't get me wrong, I pray and ask Him to clarify or answer of give...but I don't think that's way we are to pray...Paul never prayed like that. Paul can be a hard act to follow.

My son told me last night in the car that his goal is to have the “no matter what” attitude we talked about in church Sunday…we’ll follow God, believe in God, turn to God no matter what..all the time. In that moment I felt God’s presence. In that moment I felt not empty. For the past several weeks I’ve wrestled over a major decision in my life, basically over what is my calling, and I keep getting no response from God…nothing. But maybe that in its self is my response right now. Maybe I was getting ahead of God, eager to run ahead like a child wanting to run ahead of its parent when entering the toy store. I can see the store in front of us, I can see what it looks like, I'm so excited; but we’re not there yet…God is walking much slower than I was.

Instead of looking for foods for energy, quotes to make me smile, ideas for having more time in the day….I’m going to try something new, when those needs arise and I feel the urge to look around I will stop, quiet my heart, and be filled by God’s time, God’s love, God’s will….now to just remember this when the moment hits!

A journey

Have you ever been so use to wearing jewelry that when you don't wear it you feel some how naked? That's how I felt last week. Since I was 12 years old I have said I want to be a counselor when I grow up. Well, I'm all grown up and the other day I went to an open house for a counseling grad program...and left completely confused. It just didn't feel right. I kept asking God what does that mean, only to get the same response in my heart...I've already told you. More confusion. I felt naked. For so many years I'd wrapped myself in the title of counselor, the understanding that I would someday be that, a goal to work towards and suddenly it wasn't there.

I talked with my best friend the whole way home, crying and trying to make sense of all of it. But she continued to remind me the journey isn't over, it's just turned. I tried and tried to make sense of it that night, and the nights to follow but nothing was happening. Then I remembered something I'd done a long time ago, a test I'd taken to see what gifts God had given me. I also remembered a desire I'd had and then...things started clicking...and my heart started racing. All I kept thinking was you can't be serious....

So, here I am today inquiring about a new path with sweaty hands and an excitement that's not been in me for awhile. I'm not sure it's the right path either but what I am sure of...God will let me know. So, until I know for sure I'm keeping it secret but know this...there are many forms of "counseling"....I refuse to do what makes others comfortable and even though sometimes it takes me awhile, I will always follow God even if no one else thinks I should.

Anti-War

I read an article today about an anti-war protest that took place Monday in front of the White House. At the end of the article they considered “62 arrests and 23 others forcibly removed a success”…really? This is suppose to be a protest about the war in Afghanistan and that Americans think it’s time to call it quits and bring our troops home…by getting arrested? Ok, lets think this through….we’re going to teach our youth that in order to stop violence we create it. Oh I know they say they didn’t create violence, they merely chained themselves to the fence of the White House which is what led them to being arrested, but that’s called passive aggressive and last time I checked aggression wasn’t the opposite of violence…same demon, different mask.

I wonder what the troops in Afghanistan would say to those who got arrested on Monday and are trying to start the antiwar movement again. I wonder if they would pat them on the back and say thanks for your support, you’re really making us feel good or would they say regardless if you agree with the war or not we’re still over here fighting and being killed all because no human should have to live without freedom and freedom comes at a price…you my fellow American are not free because someone said war is wrong and chained themselves to a fence, you are free because someone fought for it and continues to fight for it. You are free because freedom is not free.

But we tend to forget that don’t we? We walk around this country free from gun fire, free from bombings, free from our women being raped daily by those in power, free from our children being suppressed…we walk around a country that the rest of the world is begging to be apart of. All because someone fought for it, demanded it, and continues to uphold it. I hear some saying, well it’s all heading to change and it won’t be that way for long….so the answer is to chain ourselves to the White House fence and then be put in jail for the tax payers to pay off your decisions? Since when is jail for those to make a political stance? I thought jail was for those that committed crimes and are a danger to society. Maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe, just maybe, instead of chaining yourself to a fence or whatever else form of protest is out there we should all stop and educate ourselves on exactly what is going on over there, why we are over there, and only THEN should we be allowed to voice our thoughts on the matter. Opinions are weapons and it’s time we recognize that. Words and actions go hand in hand people! Stop spitting out your opinion based on what your favorite news station reported, or what your neighbor said they heard, or what you THINK is going on. Stop it. Stop teaching our kids it’s ok to act like complete idiots…because that’s what we’re doing when we protest based on opinions.

Intelligent conversations get you much further than any protest every will. And for crying out loud stop thinking it’s a success to land your butt in jail when our kids are over there dying for another’s freedom!

Till next time....

His voice...His opinion

It is hard to know God's voice if we don't take the time to listen for it. A baby is in the womb for nine months, hearing the mothers voice for nine solid months. They say there is a special bond between a mother and her child, I believe that bond comes being connected for nine months to no one else but mother and child. We are created in God's image, that means we at some point in time were connected WITH God...even if you don't believe in God today, you were still connected to Him and I KNOW in your quiet moments you have a longing to feel him/hear Him.

Seeking advice is always good, who you seek advice from is what separates good from wise. But taking it one step further...learning to quiet yourself enough to hear His advice is true wisdom. I have been searching for some answers about my next step, in several different areas, and have been asking those in my life for their opinions and then one night I lay in bed and asked God what I'm to do when it suddenly became clear to me...why do I ask Him LAST? I start down the path because I feel God's nudging and then I suddenly start to question...is this really what God wants me to do or is what I want to do...so then I begin asking others for their opinion and before long I was very confused. Everyone gives their opinion out of love but also out of fears that drive their own life...maybe they have regrets and don't want you to experience them, maybe they have wounds and fear you'll be wounded, maybe they don't believe you can do it, maybe they don't believe God called you to do it...whatever it is it's based on fear and once again I found myself coming back to the Truth...fear is not of God.

In all honesty I seek others opinions mostly because I worry about what they think of me, of my parenting, of my womanhood...am I living up to the calling? So just as their advice is based on fear, my asking is equally based on fear.

So, once again I'm back to the beginning....listening to God's voice because He is my creator, He is the One I will follow...even if it doesn't make sense. How I listen to God's voice I will share with you in another post at another time....

Till next time...

shiney objects

I have known since I was 12 years old that I wanted to be a counselor, what I didn't know then was that it was a gift God had given to me. As I've grown over the years in maturity, faith, and wisdom I've come to realize how important it is to seek why you were created, what your purpose on this earth is and then stay steadfast on the course of developing the gifts and talents you were given. We all get them, they are part of what makes us unique; not everyone uses theirs or even realizes they have any. I've met many people who say they have nothing to offer, they have no talent or gift. I guess in some ways there was a time when I felt that way. But through reflection I realized that I felt that way because what I WANTED to do I wasn't good at and therefore felt I had nothing to offer. Gifts come naturally to us, it's something that you do and don't' even realize you're good at it. Talents are something that can be taught, but I believe there must be a little talent hidden within you or...well you sound like me when I sing Love Shack.

I have accomplished a goal I've had for 15 years. I've graduated from college. I can't even describe the feelings inside me as I walked across the stage to receive my diploma. That moment will forever stand out, but there was a reason I wanted to finish college (outside of the fact I needed too) I want to be a counselor and in order to do that I need a masters and well bachelors comes first. It's stepping stones to get to my goal of fulfilling who I feel God has created me to be. My life is no longer lived according to making others happy and I no longer make final decisions based on who it will make mad. I do however seek advice from those I trust and know they are Godly people, but in the end the decision is between God and myself. When I make major decisions with that foundation life always always always goes better than I even expected!

My purpose is to help others by sharing my story, listening to their story, and helping them find their purpose. My purpose is to get out of the way just enough for God's light to shine and to do that by not getting distracted by shiny objects. We have our own definition of shiny objects, I know mine and I know I must press forward regardless of them or others because I'm living for one purpose...God's, not others.

Till next time...

a question for God

There will be many questions I ask of God when I meet Him, after I take the time to feel what it's like to sit in His presence of course, but lets say that part is all over, I'm past the awe of it (again, let's just say) and we're walking around just chatting...I have a lot of questions for Him. Questions like why do you allow some people to be parents that have no business being parents? Not that I'm some great Mom, it's more that there are people out there who have no clue what it means to be a true parent, who don't want to be a parent, they do it simply because we as society make them feel "it's the right thing to do". I guess when you're 41 years old it looks sort of odd to suddenly walk from your children's lives, but then are you really in it to begin with? Oh you get them the standard every other weekend,but that's only because it's a court order; if you were getting them because you longed to be with them you'd get them more than that. You'd see them every single moment you could, you'd call them to simply say hi and you'd most certainly pay your child support because you'd understand that the support is for the well being of your CHILD.

So, yes I shall ask God why some are allowed to become parents when they don't deserve it nor do they want it.

I don't feel I am raising kids, I've always looked at it as I'm raising future adults. My job as a parent is to teach them how to become productive adults of this world, to leave something behind, not always take but give, and to understand that God is at the center of it all. My job is also to fight for them, regardless of who I'm fighting against. I'm truly a mother bear when it comes to my kids, I will fly across the table so fast I don't feel the table if the need arises. It's my job.

Nothing makes me more angry than to hear of a parent not taking care of their child. You do the right thing because it's no longer about you. When you become a mom/dad you are no longer first, no longer the center of the universe; when you give life to another human being who's sole survival depends on you...then step up to the plate and be a man, do the right thing. It's just that simple.

Someone asked me one time to describe parenting in one word and I said "draining". If you do it right, if you are engaged and in it with both feet you're drained at the end of the day...and you should be! We worry about what you eat, who your friends are, will you get hurt, will I have to hurt the one who hurt you, will you succeed in life right away, will you learn from the mistakes around you or make them too, will you endure your first heartache, will you stay out of trouble, will you be a responsible adult, will you be a leader, will you follow God's voice...I could keep going. The point is a parent never gets a day off, never sleeps a deep sleep because we listen for a cry (even when your 14), never makes enough money to give you all you want. A parent never feels they did all correctly and always wishes they could do it again. A parent loves in ways they never knew existed and cries now when someone says I love you daddy/mommy on a commercial. It's a huge responsibility and I just don't get why some are allowed to have it.

In the blink of an eye

Sometimes my writing just flows without me putting much thought into it at all and other times I can't seem to find the words. I've needed to post this since Saturday only because if you are able to read it you are considered my friend and I know you'd want to know, but I just needed some time. I couldn't seem to bring myself to write it down. Not sure how's it's going to "flow" but....




Saturday I worked at the radio station, I so enjoy that job, but this day was different. I got a call at 2:15 from a hospital in Michigan telling me my daughter, Kaitlyn, had been involved in a drunk driving accident.

Let me pause here and tell you she's FINE.....

I have never been in a situation where my child was hurt and I wasn't there. I've never been five hours away and have someone say to me "we need permission that if the ct scan comes back and she has internal bleeding we need to operate without having to wait for you to get here." 5 hours. I was 5 hours away. That's all that was going through my head...FIVE HOURS!! I heard Kaity's voice and literally the room started to spin. My sweet Kaitybug. I told her I would come right away and get her, I heard her try and gain composure as she said "Mom, I'm fine." And she is. Not a scratch, broken bone, nothing. She's fine.

I cried most of the day Saturday and everytime I hear her voice I hang up with tears coming down my face. The police said if they had been in a different vehicle we would be having a different conversation. More tears. More spinning.

Sometimes being a Christian so very hard and then....."we would be having a different conversation".....in the blink of an eye.....we are not lucky, we are protected.


Till next time...

Today is Father's Day so it only seems fiting to write about fathers. I went to Fairmount last night with my kids; we spent the night at my dad's house and then this morning we went to church with Dad and Allison. It was a great day!

If you are around me for very long you know two facts about me, I take parenting very seriously (some will tell you I'm too hard on them and myself for that matter) and I have two Dad's. I grew up without my parents being together, but from that another bond formed and gave me another Dad. I too am now divorced and experience what it's like to have my kids leave to go visit the other parent, it's a void that you can only understand if you've experienced it. I've also been a step-parent and now understand what it's like to love a child that is not your own, to struggle with finding your place in this new family. Being a parent is hard, being a single parent is very hard, and being a step parent in many ways tops it all.

I have several guys in my life who are dad's, some are better at it than others. I have heard their struggles, seen their tears, and I know without a doubt they love their kids very very much. I have often said it only takes sperm to be a father...being a dad is so much more. I'm not sure why God allows some of us to be parents and others never experience what it's like to hear them say I love you for the first time. I'm not sure why some take parenting seriously and others are still too wraped up in their own personal satisfaction to be a parent at all. What I am sure of...

We only get one shot at this life, there is no plan B. Our children will not stay young forever and one day, when they are grown, we will have to look them in the eye and account for why we raised them the way we did. Today, after church, on our way back to my dad's it was just Tyler and I in the car and this is what I said "Bud, when you grow up and have kids of your own remember that you are not raising kids, you are raising future adults. Think about what you want them to think of you when they are grown and looking back on their childhood, what do you want them to say about you? Your job is to raise them, to teach them, to guide them. But above all, your job is to be there...to be a Dad" I believe that with all my heart. If we do nothing else right while on this earth I pray that we get that....step up to the plate and be a parent, a true parent!

If you are not a dad on this Father's Day know this...they are still watching you. Just because they don't call you dad, you influence them...I promise. Our job is to raise the next generation to be better than ours...all of us have that responsibility.

Happy Fathers Day Dad's...I love you.

I Long

The cool thing about writing is it can mean one thing to the writer and something else to the reader...I write about love, but at times it's not the way most think for I know I am loved and I am absolutely content in that, I write about love because love is beautiful to write about.

So, here's a poem I wrote over a year ago...




To rush home at the end of the day simply because you are waiting….
To feel overwhelmed when your breath blows across my skin…
To wait with anticipation as you have me close my eyes…

I long.

To know I am safe, loved, whole…
To know I am accepted just I am, want to be, should be…
To know you need me in ways you need no other…

I long.

The sun rises and I see you face…
The sun sets and I see your face…
Tomorrow comes simply to see your face…

I long.

I have wondered this land. In search of perfect love. I have tasted honey on the lips of lovers in the silence and I have tasted pain in the screams of tears. I need more than I care to admit, I am softer than I’ll ever admit, and at the dawn of a new day I will try so hard to not walk away. Life can be full of trials, valleys really, and from the safety of my own skin I long to see the sky. Take my hand, lead me to light, and kiss my forehead as we say goodnight.

I long.


Till next time....

Small Groups

Today I hosted a party for my small group from church. I have been with my small group for nearly four years now, how fast time flies! They have been with me through some of my best and worst moments, and each time they stood by me. I am the only one single in my small group and some of them have kids close to my age. We are at very different points in life, but that is what makes it such a wonderful group! It's funny how you go blindly into something and it turns out to be so much better than if you'd try to make it happen on your own.

I can't tell you everything I've learned from them (because some things are too hard to put into words), but I can tell you I'm a better person because of them. I've become more loving, more humble (yes, really), and I've learned more about marriage, relationships, and commitment. They have taught me to push myself, to be a better mom, and to trust in God even when it hurts. They have showered me with love, acceptance, and guidance and not once have they ever made me feel I didn't belong or my thoughts didn't matter...even in the times I challenged their beliefs or ideas.

I came into my group deeply wounded and deeply afraid, they simply loved me right where I was. They don't expect to be them, they expect me to be me. My hope is that everyone finds a small group like mine. A group of people you can cry with, laugh with, and be inspired by. A group of people you can be just you with.

This life is the only life we get, there is no plan B. Surround yourself with people that will help you embrace your future and recover from your past. There is a saying that goes "show me your friends and I'll show you your future"...oh how very true that is. If you look into your future and don't like what you see...start today changing that direction! Get up and start building those relationships...small groups rock!!

Till next time....

A distance

I have had countless dates, several relationships and two failed marriages. I have been deeply in love and I have felt nothing beyond lust. I have cried myself to sleep and laughed so hard my stomach muscles hurt. I have lost myself in some and found myself in others. And now...I keep an arms length distance.

Love is a tricky thing that sometimes I wish I didn't long for. Love is also the best feeling I've ever experienced and expressed. Love makes us better people. There is a famous phrase used to talk about love that many don't realize comes from the Bible but more than that I didn't realize exactly what it meant until recently...

1 Corinthians 13:4-7: Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I've heard those words countless times over the years. I've read them from the Bible countless times and found myself thinking this is how I will know if he loves me and if I love him, this will show me. But in these verses "Love" is meant to mean God. God IS love. Only God can give us all of these things, only God can keep no record of wrong, not be jealous or rude. Only God never gives up. God working through us...that is what will make those words come alive.

A fear that I have is my heart will get to hardened and no one will ever get in. A greater fear drives that one...what if I choose the wrong one again? But then I read those words, I remember how deeply I love God and God loves me, I look at the people in my life that love me and help me do life, and I remember I am not who I was.

I keep an arms length because no one has fought to get beyond that point. I want to be chased, pursued, wanted. I want to be respected, valued, needed. THAT is how I'll know...he's willing to climb the wall, invest the time, and WANT in.

Till next time....

14!!

Well, so much for writing every day! LOL I'll get there, I will. Thank you for being patient and for continuing to check...

My son turned 14 last week. It's been 14 years since I first laid my eyes on him and through the tears I kissed him and whispered "I'm sorry" because I knew the road ahead of us would be rough. 14 years later as we ended his birthday dinner, just the two of us, I kissed him and through tears said "Thank you" because I am honored to share this journey with such a man as he.

My son is growing into a man that all men should take note from, he's caring and affectionate, he's intelligent and musical, he's a deep thinker and a deep feeler. My son amazes me constantly. I'm not sure why God thought I could be his mom, but daily I'm grateful He did because it's a true blessing to raise my son.

I don't what paths lie ahead of us now that he's entering high school. I don't know how that part of his life will alter the rest of it, but I do know he's surrounded by people that love him and more importantly my son has a true and deep love of God; my son in every sense of the word belongs to God, so I rest in that knowledge and rest in knowing that no matter what lies ahead for my son if he crosses your path you will be touched not only by this young man but by God....

Till next time...

run run run

Well I walked the whole hour of my lunch break today. My feet are killing me now as I wore my sandals instead of tennis shoes cause I forgot them at home. Ugh. My friend Anie and I have decided to walk during our lunch breaks, today was day number one! WOOHOO US!!! But the really cool part is while we were walking Anie said she really misses running and I told her that on my "list of things to do before I die" I was to run in a mini marathon, she said she’ll do it with me!!! Not sure if I want to say "woohoo" here or "oh no". LOL Regardless, we’re doing it.

The goal…next year run in the mini down in Indy. Oh boy!! I gotta say though, I’m pretty excited about this. Simply because I hate to run, HATE to run and what an accomplishment that will be! I’m all about getting out of my comfort zone, pushing myself…this will do it for sure!

So, in one year from now I’ll be getting ready to run a mini marathon….pray for Anie and I both that we have strength, endurance, and commitment.

Till next time...

time

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. Actually I just posted the other day on my facebook page that I miss writing. It seems like school has just zapped me of the ability to be creative, to let writing flow without thinking I should be doing homework instead. It's been such a struggle to balance all that's going on..including time for me to write. But, last night was my last night of going to IWU for the BSM program!! 19 months, wow I'm done. My mom is ordering graduation invitations and we're planning the party...I really did it! 19 MONTHS!!!! No more Tues night class. I have one class left to take online and then done for good. Whew.

I love writing. I look forward to being able to give it more attention and being able to share with you.

Till next time my friend....

Some People Change

I had a conversation a few weeks back with my mom in a restaurant that was about God, later I was reflecting on that talk and realized that I talked out loud about God in a setting like that…something that five years ago would not have happened. But that day I did it, didn’t even think twice about it. Over the years God has become such a part of my life, the center of my life I guess, that now to talk about Him is normal. I have people in my life from all stages, some are life-long Christians, some are like me and have only been Christians for a short time, while others aren’t even sure they believe God is who He says He is. I love them all, regardless of where their faith lies not because I want to change them, but because it changed me.

In church on Sunday we sang a song that goes like this…don’t give up hope, some people change…all I could do was smile because I am proof of that. I went from not speaking to God, not stepping foot in a church to talking in a crowded restaurant about Him as if He were my best friend. I can’t tell you exactly when that happened but I can tell you I’m grateful it did…some people change.

She's 12!!!!

Yesterday was Kaity bug's 12th birthday! I can't believe it!!! We had the best day together...went to Cheddars for lunch, shared a sandwich and then ate a monster cookie with ice cream! YUM! Then went shopping and she got a pedicure....she couldn't stop smiling...and then she had three friends come over for a party/sleepover. I loved watching her last night with her friends, laughing, playing, still seeing so much innocence yet seeing how she's growing up all in the same moment. My favorite story to tell of Kaity is when she was two years old and put a hole in our wall because she was so angry she had to be in time out, she rocked that bench until it made a hole...it's my favorite because I knew in that moment my daughter was going to grow up able to take care of herself, voice her opinion, and know exactly what she wants. And so far I'm right. :)

Today Kaity is a beautiful daughter of God who is overflowing with love and giggles. She adores life and all the little things that make it up. She will make you laugh, cry with you, and hold your hand. My daughter has a mind and will totally unique to her and is proud to tell you that. ;)

I don't know what she will do for a career when she's grown but I do know this...she will love passionately and any person lucky enough to experience it will be so very blessed! I'm honored to be her mom and to walk beside her, but please know I don't take credit for who she is...that is ALL God's doing, I'm just along for the ride.

To my daughter...you totally rock!!

Till next time....

Death

Have you ever been so sad that you just wanted to give up? Run away? End life? Have you thought to yourself “it will always be this way”? I have. I’ve had the darkest moment of my life, lying on the floor just wanting the pain to end. I’ve also talked to people who have been there, or are on their way there. If you’ve never felt that darkness know that it’s the scariest place to be…alone in a room full of people. Never do I want to go back to that place, never do I want to feel that lost again; that’s why I am still in counseling and that’s why I would encourage everyone to talk to someone…always!

We are all recovering from something in our life and we all will feel the storms of life…always. I have been blessed with the people in my life and was able to climb out of that hole; God picked me up and held me close. He wants to do that with all of us, if we’ll only let him. Last week I was upset with God wondering why He lets things happen, why He doesn’t stop us when we are about do something we shouldn’t. But it wouldn’t be true love if He stepped in, I know. Doesn’t make things any easier to deal with. Death sucks, lets just be honest. None of us are ever happy when someone dies. I hate funerals. I hate funerals that are unexpected. But what I really hate is feeling like I just can’t help, but then I’m reminded that it’s not my job to save you…in any capacity. What I CAN do…listen to you, be here for you, and encourage you to reach out the One who CAN help you…the rest is up to you.

This is dedicated Dave…you will be missed my friend, you will be missed.


Till next time.....

my bucket list

When I was 12 years old I told my dad that I wanted to join the Air Force and be a pilot. My dad had been in the Air Force so I thought this would make him happy, instead he informed me that his daughter would NOT be in the military. I told him I very much wanted to fly so he said to make that a goal to accomplish before I die..so, that day my "list of things to do before I die" or better known now as the bucket list was born. I have added to the list over the years, not a lot of things but the ones on there are big..go to Australia for example...but never until now have I been able to cross one off.

I love to see God work in outrageous ways so that there is no question it was Him and it happened to me again the other night. I went to the church to pick up my son, and keep in mind I wasn't suppose to go that night at all, but I did and when I walked in I was told "you need to audition for that movie!" After a moment of disbelief I said absolutely and got in line! I have to pause right here and tell you my excitment was through the roof!! I couldn't believe ths was happening and at my church no less!! Number three on my list...audition for a movie..honestly!! As I sat in the hall waiting it was all I could think about, I was going to cross off an item on my list...for the first time! HOLY CRAP!!

Now let me tell you my acting background is sooo limited! LOL I have done some things at church that I'm proud of including making the audience cry thinking I was crying! Hehe It's a cool feeling to have someone come to you six weeks later still talking about your skit and how it impacted them. I love the idea of touching someone without them knowing how much of that was me and how much was just acting. Acting is safe for me, the stage is safe and well, I value safety. I can throw it all out and not worry about what you think of the character, because well it's a character! :) LOVE THAT!!!

So, I am proud to tell you that GOd once again worked in His outrageous way and helped me accomplish a life dream...I stayed in line and auditioned for the role! When I got in my car afterwards I cried and told God I didn't even care what happened with it, just the fact that I got to do it and was once again reminded just how big my God is made it all fantastic!

I have added something to the list though...be IN a movie!! :)

Till next time...

Laugh

Last night I went out with friends and laughed my butt off, I love to laugh. I read the other day that children laugh over 400 times a day and adults...less than 30. How sad is that!! I would venture to say Christians laugh even less, at least that is my perception. We get so serious about life, but I want to challenge us in that we can take our lives as Christ followers very seriously while still taking time to enjoy the silly things in life and simply laugh.

My youngest got off the bus Friday with a sucker in her mouth so I asked if the bus driver was now letting them eat on the bus and she said "oh yes, Mom, she does...when she's not looking she lets us eat anything we want!" Laugh at that cause that my friend is funny!!

Our world is experiencing difficult times, but honestly haven't we always to some degree? I mean life has never ever simply been easy, it's just harder at times. It's important now more than ever to teach our youth that even in the middle of the storm we need to take time to enjoy this life God has so graciously given us.

You don't have to pay to laugh!! ;)

Till next time my friend....

Him

So, I've thought about this post for awhile now due to past conversations but wasn't sure I wanted to be this vulnerable...but I also know that just cause it sounds good in my head doesn't mean it's good and this is a topic I take very seriously. As much as I enjoy being single, I truly long to love a man with all my heart. I am guarded, probably to a fault so, I've decided to let you in in the hopes something good comes from it. So...here ya go...


I've had conversations with people about whether or not one should have a "list"...you know a list of what you want your spouse to be like...here's my list....I look forward to your thoughts...

You will love God deeper than you'll ever love me. Not that you'll be perfect or even pretend to be perfect, but more like when you're mad at me you'll turn to God for answers instead of lashing out in anger and saying hurtful things. More like when our relationship struggles you'll turn to God instead of to your friends who will only fuel the fire. More like you'll see me as the daughter of God that I am instead of just another woman.

You'll respect my family. Not that you have to like it all or even agree with decisions but you'll understand that at the end of they day they are my family and I will never walk away from them. You'll understand my family has it's own set of "rules" and you'll know that though I love for you to stand up for me, there are times when it's not appropriate because it's my battle to fight as I see fit. You'll support me, love me, and pray with me. But you'll respect them...always.

You won't be an alcoholoic. Not that you can't drink, but that you understand the difference between having a drink and the drink having you. Enough said.

You will love me, I mean really truly love me. I understand there will be times when you won't like me, but you'll love me. And because you love me you'll not threaten me with divorce, you'll not cheat on me, you'll not abuse me, you'll seek to understand how to love me as the unique woman I am.

You'll be patient with my walls. Understanding my past helped to shape who I am today and though it's my past I have learned valuable lessons...like trust is earned not given. You will understand that needing space doesn't mean you walk away, it just means space. You'll fight for me...because I'm worth fighting for.

Together we will do this life, laugh through it, cry through it, and create fantastic memories because of it.

And...you'll be strong enough to lead me yet gentle enough to walk along side me.


I wonder sometimes if this kind of man exists. I wonder if my "list" is just too much. And then I realize that this very list is what has kept me from continuing to make poor choices so, I guess that's enough said.

Do you have a list? Do you know of something I need to add to mine?

Till next time my friend....

Please help

This post is a little different...I am looking for stories/advice about dating. I am working on a book and would like to have other's perspectives besides my own. It can be funny, sad, whatever...I'll change the names so feel free to share it all!! :)

Email me at carla0428@gmail.com...thanks in advance for helping me!!

Secrets

Last night I had dinner with a dear friend who struggles with a secret. We often talk, my friend and I, about both of our secrets and will someone ever be able to fully accept them...we also talk about whether or not God will ever totally remove it; much like Paul asked for the thorn in his side to be removed, but God never did remove Paul's. Honestly, I don't think He will remove my friend's thorn either nor mine. So where does that leave us?

We all have secrets, we all have a past and it's littered with things we wish we'd never done and could change. The degree of those mistakes is what separates us, regardless of Christian or not because this side of heaven there are some things that are worse than others. In God's eyes sin is sin, I get that and I absolutely believe that...but to people it's not that black and white. To people some things are just harder to accept, to forgive.

My friend's secret...it's a big one for sure. One that not just anybody can handle or accept or forgive and we both fear that if people at large found out they would not see my friend as a person but as the sin. Boy do I know that fear...I have things I have shared with people that I worry about that happening and I have things that I rarely share because of that very thing.

When do you tell someone your secret? What if you tell and then for whatever reason things between you end and now you have this person knowing your secret walking around with it..will they tell others? But what if you live in fear of telling, not giving others the chance to love you unconditionally, and you never let anyone fully in? This whole secret thing can be hard sometimes.

All I know is this...when someone trusts you enough to share a secret with you, be honored and realize the moment for what it is. Remember this...we are NOT our secrets, they are just a part of our life story and when we start believing that...THAT is when change will happen!!

till next time...

Submission

What does it mean to be submissive? I know that until recently that word did not sit well with me, it was a word that I saw as a power struggle and one that I would not use. Then I started to research what it means, what God meant when he said in Ephesians 5:22 "Wives submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord". That verse is quoted often, even by people who do not follow God, but the thing about the Bible is it's not meant to be taken one verse at a time, but rather the whole book you find the verse in was written as a letter and intended to be read that way, so when you keep reading the verse after that it says, "For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; He gave his life to be her Savior." Ok, Christ DIED for His bride, the church. The church my friends is you and me, we are the church. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church, which was an act of submission on Christ's part till the final end.

So in the way God intended it should look something like this...I submit to you and you submit to me. But what exactly does submission mean? The dictionary in the back of the Bible says this, to be subject to or accountable to another-God, society, fellow believers. Hmm, not exactly the submission definition I'm familiar with, how about you? Submission was never intended to be a sign of weakness, a power struggle, or any form of an abusive nature. It was meant to be an act of love, worship, dedication to those we are in relationship with...to what ever extent.

A husband who comes home after working 12 hours that day, is exhausted and wants to just sit in his chair and withdraw from the world...instead, when he gets home he helps with bath time, kisses his wife because to him she is Beauty, and sits at the table with his family for dinner. He engages himself in his life not because he "has to" but because he wants to, he loves them. THAT is submission and THAT is LOVE! A wife who is exhausted from taking care of screaming kids all day and wants to just get out of the house the minute her husband walks in the in door...instead, she does bath time beside him, she welcomes his kiss because to her he is the knight in shining armor, and she listens to him talk about his day not because she has to but because she wants too...submission...love.

If you give your spouse all you have and seek to meet their needs and they in turn do the same...all the needs are met! Simple? Not in the least. Achievable? Absolutely! As Christians we have what's called the Holy Spirit, you do too, just trust me. So when you're coming up on E on your energy tank instead of giving in to that feeling, ask God, ask the Holy Spirit, to give you His strength so that you may love your family as God intended...in the form of submission.

till next time....

The sky is not falling...

Yesterday I was part of a very good and heated discussion regarding our economy and our President. I was the youngest person in this conversation and will be honest and say the least affected when our economy started to crash. That all being said, it bothered me that so much of the conversation was based on opinions rather than fact, based on fear rather than Truth. Every person in this conversation is a very strong Christian, seeking to do their part in God's kingdom...so why is it that we as Christians are a bunch of Chicken Little's? Because when the economy started to fall and the stock market ate up the 401K/retirement funds all of a sudden we as humans, as Americans, suddenly realized we are not in control. They all worked hard, were responsible with their money by saving it instead of spending and yet today none of that matters, they have little left to show for it.

Please understand I am not making light of the pain caused by the crash of our economy or the loss of any one's money, I know these are scary times; but it's just that...a time. This moment is not forever, it is simply a moment in our history and one that we will recover from. Yes I know it's scary the way our country is seeming to move right now and I get that things are changing, not necessarily for the good; but aren't we always saying God is in control? Do we really, I mean really, believe that?

We as Christians are called to be separate from this world, we are told to not belong to the things of this world so if we truly don't then why is it still so hard? Because we are still humans living on this side of Heaven. I want my kids to learn from this experience, to learn from not only what's going on politically but also what's going on spiritually. Because we are Christians we need to trust God, even when it's scary; God promises to provide for today's needs, He does not promise we will be able to take that dream vacation. Living is not always fun, easy, or fair. But my goodness we must focus on the living that comes after....as it was pointed out yesterday in the conversation, is it "fair" that we get to walk with God when we die?

I guess my point to this particular writing is this...first off, regardless of what's going on being an American is still far better than any other option out there my friends! Secondly, if you don't like the way things are going instead of just voicing your opinions and spreading negativity, find out the facts, get involved and be positive! And last, if you are a Christian take time to seek what is God saying to you right now, because I promise He's not saying "too bad for you, you can't retire now!"...Our God IS Good, we MUST hold on to that even when it is scary.

Miracle

For two weeks straight the word miracle was everywhere and I knew God was preparing me, telling me to open my eyes. You see, God is always working, always talking to us, always around but we have to be willing to see it and acknowledge it and believe it will happen. I started praying that I would not miss them and that I would believe it to will happen to me.

I have been praying for weeks now that the weather would be nice when we moved. Moving in Feb isn't the best idea! The weather channel was calling for significant snow Friday night and all day Saturday. I prayed Friday night before going to bed that God would shield us from the snow just long enough for us to move; Saturday morning I woke up at 5 and there was no snow on the ground! I was so excited I laughed out loud! Then around 7 snowflakes started so I prayed (my prayers are just me talking to God as if he was my friend sitting next to me) "Ok look, I know we can move in the snow and I know you can stop the snow. I'm asking you to shield us just long enough to move so that the people who are helping me won't get sick." Ok, get this...the snow literally stopped just before 9, when we started moving, and didn't start again until well after we were done at 12 and then it snowed and the wind was blowing fierce and it was soooo cold. But for those few hours it took us to move we were shielded from the weather! Miracle...absolutely!

I don't know why I continuously worry and get overwhelmed when I KNOW God is working and promises to take care of me. I don't know why I always feel like I have to "figure it out" when I KNOW God already has it all under control. Maybe because I'm a Christian who is still in the flesh; I want nothing more than to get out of the way so God can shine, but sometimes I just can't seem to get my butt out of the way. The miracle in that...God finds a way to still shine through my mess!

The other night someone said "I wish God would work so clearly in MY life" so to that I say "He is, you just have to call it God and not something else...like luck".

Till next time my friend...

Humble Helping

The other day I was having a talk with God and through tears I told Him "you can't expect me to keep asking for help! You can't expect me to live a life of being dependent on others!" His response..."You asked for my help, please don't tell me how to help you". Isn't that just like God! The past three years I have had many humbling experiences involving someone helping me in some way, it's not gotten any easier to accept.

A friend once told me that when you deny someone the option of helping you, you're robing them of the joy of following God's will to help. I've not really thought of it in those terms before. But we as Christians want to help others, to serve others. It's just hard being on the receiving end of that.

Today I was told that a couple wants to paint one our rooms at our new house for a date night for them! Seriously!! And then it all came together...they will spend quality time together, serving, and helping a friend. Isn't that the way we are suppose to function? There was a part of me that wanted to say "oh no, I can't ask you to do that. I can do it." Cause of course I think I can do it all. Silly me. I didn't say that though I simply grinned widely and said woohoo!

I KNOW God takes care of me. I KNOW God will forever provide for our needs and I also KNOW God works through people. To every single person that has ever helped me, either financially or you just listen to me ramble...THANK YOU! God has used you, worked through you, to help me. Thank you!

The Internet

My son will start high school this next school year and that means that when he goes off to college no one in his class will have ever known life without the Internet. Actually, none of my kids do. It's weird to think there are things that were "invented" during my lifetime but not my kids, kinda makes me feel old.

I have been apart of the Internet world for some time now, getting more and more used to it I must admit. I remember when the thought of Internet dating was appalling to most of us, including me. I guess when you say it that way "Internet dating" it does sound kinda creepy, but having been apart of that world I can tell you I'd much rather meet someone off the Internet than from the local bar.

I've been single for three years now. I've had just a few short term relationships and I've made some really good friends. I think now I can say I understand why my mom said to "date around" before settling down. I always thought that concept seemed creepy to, actually the word I thought of was slutty. LOL But I get it now, I can't even put into words how much I've learned about who I am as a person over these last three years.

I have my share of dating stories, some down right make ya cry funny and some make ya cry cause they weren't funny. I've had my moments of loving the fact I'm single and moments of yelling at God, begging God to bring someone into my life because I hate being single. I have friends who have fantastic marriages and allow me to peek in and see how they do it...thank you for that. I have friends who's marriages are anything but fantastic and allow me to peek in on that as well...reminds me why I like being single. I'm kidding, kinda. Regardless of it all, I look forward to doing life with someone, but it will be the right someone or it will be no one. Just that simple.


I had lunch (not a date) the other day with an friend from high school, someone I haven't seen in nearly 15 years...all thanks because of the Internet. Actually had that experience a few times because of the lovely facebook/myspace sites. LOVE THEM! It was good catching up with him, hearing how he's grown into the man he is today. Which by the way I'm very proud of him! I have other friends who have become some of my closest friends all because we were able to reconnect over the Internet.

So, if you're reading this congrats to you for joining the Internet world of blogging/facebook. If you're single and dating know that I feel your pain and I will laugh and cry with you any time you need me to. If you're married, my goodness stay married because this dating thing totally sucks butt! ;) Seriously, don't knock the Internet dating thing when one of your single friends tells you how they met so and so, just pray for us single folk and know that we're all just trying to carve out our own path in this big world.

Till next time...

Take time...

I read a short article today about the busyness of our lives like being late for appointments because of a string of events that take place and seem to snowball out of control so that by the end of the day you're frazzled and not sure if you completed anything on time or at all. That used to be me and on some days it still is I guess.

I had a great conversation with my best friend yesterday about what to do professionally, she struggles with what she wants to do verses what others think she should do; that used to be me and still is some days.

One of the good things about starting over is you get to choose what comes back in, what plates are worth spinning. Now, nearly two years has gone by since my life changed and I am farther than I ever would have been had my life not been broken in two. But not in ways "typical" of Americans. I haven't worked a full time job since then, I volunteer at my church often, the job I do have isn't really a job to me it's more like going to work to get a brake from life, I still go to counseling every six weeks and can look people in the eye to say that, I am in college full time and will graduate this year (woohoo mom, I think we've made it)...all while I have three kids depending on me daily to keep life running.

In order to do all of that I had to humble myself in some decisions, but let me be clear in telling you God has worked in outrageous ways to allow me to start life over the way I have. We are taken care of in ways I never imagined would happen. The people in my life are the reason why I've gotten this far...I am so grateful for their love and friendship.

This "time off" if you will has been a life lesson...my life isn't about moving up the corporate ladder, earning equity in my house, or having the newest cool stuff. Life, for me at least, has become exactly what I'm living...I'm at home if my kids are sick, I'm home when they come home from school, my kids are seeing God work in our lives and are impacted by it, I'm building fantastic relationships, I'm learning who I am and am becoming very comfortable in my own skin, I'm living life not doing life.

I might not have money in the bank after I pay my bills, or own my home, or have designer clothes but I tell you this...I am rich in ways far greater than any of that. I wouldn't trade my life for any THING!

So, my point to this whole thing....no one dies thinking they wish they had worked more or owned more (ok some do, but I'm guessing you won't) so don't let it get to the point where God has to break you before you slow down; you can change the pace, you can. Start with one thing, anything, but just start because this year will go by so quickly and at the end you'll be glad you slowed down, trust me! ;)

Till next time...

A day off

We finally have a day of rest. The kids are home and we have no place to be today. I wouldn't have even showered today, but I had to go grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping, that and buying gas. Two things I really really don't enjoy at all. But since the kids have been gone most of the last two weeks I've gotten out of grocery shopping so today was needed. We now have plenty of food in the house and yet E announced just now there's nothing to eat. Grrr.

My kids had a great Christmas, getting lots of stuff that should keep them busy; however, the girls are currently fighting and walking around as if there is NOTHING to do. Somethings never change huh.

But as I sit here in my chair, looking out the window and hearing the "noise" I can't help but smile because...my life rocks! Sometimes we have to get in dark places before we love the light places, I have been in both at several points in my life as I'm sure most have. It seems like the older I get, every day that goes by, I love my life a little more. I'm still human, a woman, and a single mom so I have my "moments", but overall it's good to be me.

I'm thinking about all the people that are in my life, the ones I know well and the ones I know not so well. I'm thinking about all who have crossed my path in the course of my 32 years on this Earth and I pray that each of you, wherever you are, can get to the point where you too can say "it's good to be me".

Just a little sidebar before I end...E just asked if she could put on makeup since we aren't going anywhere, and well it's now all over her and my floor. *Sigh* yes, it's good to be me. :)

Till next time...

It's a New Year!!

My friend, Connie, gave me a devotional book for Christmas this year and I can officially start it today. It's from Beth Moore's Breaking Free book and after I finished my reading I sat in the quiet for a moment to let it sink in. I tend to move from one thing to the next much to quickly, maybe that will be part of my new year's resolution...slow down and let it sink in. As I sat there I started telling God the things I want to break free from, things like the negative self talk I'm always doing, the past that holds me from being who I am today, the fear that keeps me from letting anyone totally in including God. I want to break free from making progress and then falling backwards. I want to break free from the feeling of treading water, barely making it, having to prove I'm enough.

It occurred to me as I was sitting there that when I stay connected to God, when I take time daily to "just be" with Him, when I surround myself with the right people all that stuff I wanna break free from seems to diminish. It's only when I start to get busy with life, forget to sit and "just be", mingle where I shouldn't that life starts to feel not so good.

I've been making my way through the book of Psalms, but today I went back to one of my favorite...Psalm 27. I traced over the words as I read them, wanting them to become a part of my skin. I want to BELIEVE what it says, I want to LIVE what it says. I want to stay steadfast even when it hurts because I KNOW in my heart and soul it's true.

So, officially my new year's resolution...Psalm 27:14 "Wait patiently for the Lord, Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."

Till next time...